Language Swaps to Level Up Divorce

Divorce professionals navigate emotional landmines. We cannot avoid all triggers, but we do have power to craft language that will soothe, empower, and engage our clients, for better outcomes all around. Here are my 5 favorite language swaps. What swaps can you add to the list?

1. "Broken home" - I went to an otherwise great therapist that referred to my two-home family as "broken," and then never went back. Hearts get broken in divorce. Homes get restructured. See the link in #5 for more of my thoughts (and I have thoughts on this one). Try: "two-home family" "divorced family" "living in two houses"

2. "Custody" - check out the amazing discussion on Leila Parviz, Esq.'s page. Custody conveys two things to me: criminals, and ownership. Children aren't criminals (though three year olds come close), and their agency should not be forgotten. Try: "Parenting" "Parenting Time" "Parenting Schedule" "Parental Responsibility" "Child's Schedule"

3. (any legalese or industry terms) - divorce is stressful, and the natural human brain thing to do is to activate the "F3" (fight, flight, or freeze) response. Even if a divorcing person does not feel panicked, the cumulative stress of the circumstances make it hard to engage their executive, thinking brain. Lower the stress level of your communications by exchanging legalese with: (regular words). Example: In my home state of California, clients exchange a financial disclosure called the "Declaration of Disclosure," but I call it "the Financial Packet." Then, rather than filing "Declaration Regarding Service of the Declaration of Disclosure and Income and Expense Declaration" (really?) I call it "proof you exchanged your financial packets." It takes a confident and knowledgeable professional to adapt their language to their clients, rather than the other way around. You'll see immediate return on this effort.

(Necessary sidebar: this includes removing the use of the word, "parties" to a divorce. They can be a "parent" "spouse" "participant" "stakeholder" "client" or (and this is true, even though we forget sometimes...a...) "person." Also, use their names. Rather than, "the other party is asking for $100," you could say, "James is asking for $100". This feels so much less contentious.)

4. "Failed marriage" - It's hard to restrain myself when I hear this one. Marriages end. Every single one of them ends, through death or through divorce. Both of these are simply the next stage in life. Divorce is a natural phase for more than half of American adults. Why are we shaming it? Also, even if a marriage "ended with divorce" (the phrase I use), by many measures, that is success! My children are raised in one household that takes place in two homes. They are happy, confident, and calm. People ask how their dad and I can be such great friends and partners. It's because we aren't married. The divorce gave us all peace that we never would have known in the marriage. Even if someone doesn't get along with their child's parent, they will usually be glad they got a child out of the deal. People with no children? They still learned something, didn't they? The end of the marriage brought them to the place they are now. Saying a marriage ended, but (insert something wonderful that came from it) feels so much kinder, right? And - it's a lot more accurate, too.

5. "Ex" - I have a lot to say about this, so check out the article explaining why I don't have an ex husband, and neither should anyone else. In short, consider that we confer respect in society by referring to someone no longer holding a title or position as "former." We have former Presidents and Secretaries of State and Ms. Americas. "Ex" on the other hand, feels abrupt and negative. Also try "co-parent" if you share children.

• Bonus swap: "Settlement" - Lawyers say that a good settlement is one in which both parties are equally unhappy. Yikes. Use "Agreement." This conveys people coming together, and feels much more empowering.

Once you start seeing the positive changes from language swaps, you will begin to look at words you use in every context. Language has power. Wield it wisely.

Erika Englund is a family law attorney-mediator-strategist, amateur disruptor, and believer in positive, productive, affordable & efficient divorce. She's a legaltech evangelist, because she hates justice gaps, a former law school professor, a professional speaker and continuing education provider, and a happy co-parent (usually; she's not perfect) of two young children in Northern California. She wants you to know that this isn't legal advice.