The Language of Love: A Valentine's Card

In their 1992 book The Language of Love, Gary Smalley and John Trent, Ph.D. distilled this thought into what I’ll call five “sub-languages:”

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

Embracing two of those, or perhaps 1 ? of those “sub-languages” my five are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Physical Touch *
• Active Listening
• Taking a Pause: Tamping Down the Lizard Brain
• Following the Platinum Rule of Communication

* A percentage of the population does not like to be touched

Words of Affirmation

Words and phrases of affirmation, such as “I loved it when . . . “ “I am so happy that . . .” “I am glad to hear . . .” are easy, breezy when things are going well. The challenge is remembering and using words of affirmation when things are going poorly.

In these times, I advocate (and try to follow), the “two for one rule:” two positives or affirmations for every negative or “aw shucks.” This could look like:

“I am so happy that you picked up the kids and made a great dinner; I am concerned that the pick-up was late. I learned that Shauna was crying and felt abandoned.”

Versus

“you were late picking the kids up. Shauna was crying and felt abandoned. How could you?

Not only is the first statement an accurate reflection of what happened, but it also has the benefit of creating an environment for the receiver to hear the message, which could lead to a productive conversation, and a change of conduct.

Starting out with what could be perceived as an attack, typically generates an attack back, and the dialogue devolves into a fight, unhappiness, and certainly doesn’t work through the issue. If this happened around Valentine’s Day, the late pick-up could lead to the couple discussing what to do if a parent will be late; or, how to comfort the child; or, how both parents could comfort the child upon return home.

Physical Touch

Assuming the individual is okay with being touched, a sincere look directly into her or his eyes, with a gentle hand on the arm, or a hug can demonstrate concern, warmth, empathy, compassion, and love. Authenticity is key since we can all “smell a rat a mile away,” as the saying goes.

A bit of advice: if unsure whether the person is okay with a touch, or hug, it’s quite all right to ask “Is it okay if I hug you?” (A lesson I learned from a participant in a recent training. . .)

Active Listening

Definitions abound as to what active listening is. One of my favorites: “. . . a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding.” This, of course, is critical when managing conflict (for more information see the United States Institute of Peace).

When no conflict exists, active listening is the ability to truly focus (without distraction) on the communicator, understand her or his message, comprehend (hear/embrace) the message, and respond thoughtfully. In this era of social media, the computers we all carry in our hands, and the ongoing barrage of messages, this can be trickier than one thinks.

To ensure active listening, it’s also helpful to check for understanding, a la “I want to make sure I understand the concern. I thought I heard . . .” or “Let me repeat what I understood the comment to be. If I got it right, then let’s engage in a greater dialogue. If I missed the mark, please try again.”

Taking a Pause: Tamping Down the Lizard Brain

We can’t fight our species’ genetic history, or what we now call the “Lizard Brain,” which is the fight or flight instinct. Long ago, this was a survival technique – if attacked, our ancestors were called upon to protect themselves and those they loved. Today, it rears its ugly head, with almost instantaneous “fighting word” retorts. These retorts can sound like “how dare you.” “Who do you think you are?” “You didn’t understand me.” A key to fighting words is blame shifting, or using/abusing the word “you.”

Taking a pause and calming down first, and then leading with “I” statements can do the trick here. “I was hurt when this happened.” “Maybe I wasn’t clear; this is what I meant to say, ask, direct, etc.” A helpful tool is to respond after the emotion has faded. If unsure if the communication meets the test, check with a trusted advisor. For me, this works every time.

Following the Platinum Rule of Communication

Many of us follow what I’ll call the “Golden Rule” of communication, meaning, we communicate with others the way we want to be communicated with. Although a well-meaning and good-intentioned way to operate, it assumes the receiver will respond as we would. How about practicing the “Platinum Rule” of communication, or communicating with another the way she or he best receives information?

I am one of those who “gets it,” when someone tells me something, and I quickly check for understanding. There are many who need verbal communications followed up with writing, or, better yet, some who would prefer that the verbal communication be skipped entirely, and prefer a quick email or text.

Long ago, before many worked at home, a married couple I know had home offices, and frequently would skip the verbal communication, and send one another emails from separate rooms in the house. This came in handy when there was a disagreement – about work, or personal matters.

When things were upsetting to one or both of them, each developed the habit of writing something, letting it rest, rereading it, editing it, if needed, and then sending it. At the time, I thought this weird; however, it worked for them, and a few decades later, they are still happily married.

After all, isn’t being happily in love and together what we celebrate on Valentine’s Day?

To Recap: Consider adopting some of these tips this Valentine’s Day, AKA The Language of Love!

• Words of Affirmation
• Physical Touch *
• Active Listening
• Taking a Pause: Tamping Down the Lizard Brain
• Following the Platinum Rule of Communication * A percentage of the population does not like to be touched

Eager to hear comments: Reach me at [email protected].