The Language Of Love
Payal Mittal Talwar(PCC)
An NLP trainer &Personal Excellence Coach | PCC (ICF) | L&D Consultant (InvokHR)| IFC( World Bank) Certified trainer |Lumina Certified Practitioner | Author/ Rambler | A Green Warrior | Passionate about the Armed Forces
This is one of most important aspects of relationship coaching that I learned from ??????(?????????? ???????????????????? ??????????????????????) and a treasured book- Noticer By Andy Andrews
?Many years ago, I came across ?????? ?????????????? ???????? ???????? ??????????????( one of the best books on subtle coaching) and this concept stayed with me. I’ve used this time and again when I feel stuck in my relationships as well as while coaching others.
?It simply says that each one of us has our own language of love. When we feel ‘unloved’ or ‘not loved enough’ in a certain relationship, we need to recognise the ‘language of love’ of the other person.
?Some of us express love by doing things for the ones we love, some of us express our love by spending time with our loved ones while some others might be good at verbally expressing ourselves.
?In his book, the Noticer, Andy broadly divides people into 4 categories
1.??????Dogs – these people express their love verbally. They will say, ‘I love you’, ‘I think you’re absolutely amazing’ etc. They also love to hear love expressed similarly. Andy calls them dogs because dogs love to hear phrases of love
2.??????Cats- these are the people who love to cuddle, touch, hold hands and have physical contact, the same way that a cat does.
3.??????Canary – these people believe in spending quality time with the objects of their love. They expect others also to pay them special attention, They’re like canaries, who just want you to sit and listen to them sing
4.??????Goldfish – these are the people who love to do little things to express their love- they’ll clean the dishes, fix the broken things at home, do things to make you feel ‘taken care of’. They expect the same from the ones they love. They are like goldfish- not needing to see or touch you as longa s they are fed.
?People need not be just one or the other, but they’re more often one type than the rest.
For example, I realise I might be the happiest with words of love and praise (a dog) though I do like attention and being looked after too!
???????(?????????? ???????????????????? ??????????????????????) talks of the same aspect slightly differently. It says that people often have a different representational system – that is, we all might be taking in information differently
For eg someone might be more auditory( taking in information via hearing), some more visual(seeing) and some may be more kinsethetic( needing to touch) more.
?We all then express our love and experience love through these modes.
?If I’m more visual, I’ll probably not feel loved when someone tells me that they love me- I’ll need to see the evidence- gifts/ letters/ pictures would work better
Similarly, a kinesthetic person needs physical contact more than hearing and seeing
?No point my telling someone that I care and love them a hundred times, if they ‘feel loved’ only when someone spends time with them
?In the above case, in NLP terms, I am auditory and the other person is Kinesthetic (In Andy’s terms, I am a dog and the other is a canary)
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Its almost like speaking English to a person who understands Chinese – different languages!!
?You can see how communication would fail and so would the relationship!
??????, ?????? ???????? ?????? ???????? ?????????????????????? ???????? ???? ???? ???????????? ?????? ?????????????????????????? ?????????????
We need to just ask ourselves some questions:
·?????? What is ‘my language of love’?
·?????? What is the other person’s Language of love?
·?????? Am I able to communicate in the other person’s language?
·?????? Am I understanding their language of love( the way in which they express their love)?
·?????? How can I communicate my love in their language?
I urge you to think of a relationship you value which you'd like to be better - and then think of the answers to the above questions.
I can almost guarantee that you'll see a perceptible change in your relationship.
?After all, honest communication is the backbone of thriving relationships - and for that both the people involved need to speak the same language! And that's true even for the Language of Love!
*??????(?????????? ???????????????????? ??????????????????????) has some very effective tools for working on relationships. If you want to know more, please do get in touch
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Principal Consultant & Director | Certified Professional Neuroplastician I Neuro Leadership & Coaching I Neuro HR & OD Consulting
1 年'The Language of Love,' beautifully explained Payal Mittal Talwar. Am adding 'The Noticer,' by Andy Andrews to my list of books for reading ?? What resonated with me is what I read in a book titled #SevenAndaHalfLessonsAboutTheBrain by Lisa Feldman Barrett, a luminary in #Neuroscience. In Chapter 5, she writes about how ' Your Brain Secretly Works With Others Brains' .The key point is, we influence the brains ?? and bodies of those around us with our actions and words. So we can go be a Dog, Cat, Canary or Goldfish ?? and express our love !