Landmark GDPR Case Charged Against Elderly North Pole Resident

Brussels, Belgium (27 December 2022) – The European Union has charged Kristoph Kringle with 447 million violations of the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR), one count for each citizen of a European Union country.

“The data collection practices of Mr. Kringle are widespread and violate the privacy rights of every European, including children who hadn’t reached their first birthday and thus aren’t capable of consent,” said Birgitta Blomqvist, European Data Protection Supervisor (EDPS). “Mr. Kringle and SC Enterprises used personal data to compile lists of Europeans to rank them according to his own sense of personal morality with neither an opt-in nor opt-out framework in place. Two days ago, he operationalized these data for large-scale illicitly personalized deliveries.”

Sources close to Mr. Kringle say that he will argue that he has a prior business relationship with all citizens of the world and that opt-out requests are always honored. But reporting found that there were no electronic means of setting preferences and that SC Enterprises is only reachable by magical letter.

The EDPS also highlighted the use of hundreds of aliases by Mr. Kringle, including Father Christmas, Kanakaloka, Agios Vasilios, Weihnachtsmann, Santa Claus, Dun Che Lao Ren, Joulupukki, and more.

“The subject used many names to hide his own identity even as he gathered data on all of us,” continued Blomqvist. “Indeed, it is not known how old the subject is or his original country of origin, as The North Pole is not a recognized sovereign nation.”

On this last point that sources close to Mr. Kringle say there will be a key point in his defense. He is expected to argue that data gathering operations outside the EU cannot be subject to GDPR. EDPS officials say the regulation applies to all data gathering operations on citizens of EU countries, regardless of where the gathering occurs.

“The old man [Mr. Kringle] thinks he runs his whole separate country up here,” said a senior elf on condition of anonymity for fear of retribution. “Privacy laws, diversity efforts, workplace safety requirements, and regulations against creating bionic, glowing reindeer, he says ‘those concerns stop at the 85th parallel.’”

Indeed, legal experts wonder how extradition proceedings will take place, given the North Pole’s location in international ice floes.

Attempts to reach Mr. Kringle for this story directly were not returned. However, a spokes-elf hinted at a personal motivation for the case, alleging that Ms. Blomqvist is still angry because, in 1976, she failed to receive ABBA’s “Arrival” album for Christmas because of a hair-pulling incident with her sister.

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