Lady Whistledown's Society Papers

Esteemed members of LinkedIn,

‘Tis I, Lady Whistledown. If you do not know who I am, then rest assured, you never shall - but if it helps, you may picture mine as the voice of the incomparable Julie Andrews.

In a bid to spare you from another week of drivel from the crudely entitled “Another Bloody Newsletter”, I have taken it upon myself to commandeer this week’s edition. Indeed, in a week where we all witnessed one A-lister slap another on prime time television, the internet is abuzz with the latest gossip. And so it is my honour – and duty – to serve you all a dish dripping in the steaming, seductive sauces of scandal and subterfuge.

But let me be clear, dear reader, that the Oscars shall not be the present focus of my quill, for you can read all the ‘hot takes’ you like on Twitter dot com. Instead, I have averted my gaze to the business world for inspiration, or more specifically, those who deal in branding and advertorials. It is the case, after all, that all is fair in love and marketing.?

I shall start with something mild. It regards the local Nottinghamshire company “Bloody Marketing!!”, who very recently, I have heard, packed their belongings and moved their office to something far more spacious. What drama could have encouraged such a move? Was there a great and galling dispute with the former landlord? Were there rats and insects crawling among the furnishings, spurring the marketeers to swiftly depart?

Or was it simply that the “Bloody Marketing!!” team outgrew their former locale, and needed to accommodate their blossoming business? I leave it to you to speculate.?

Moving on, then, to two titans of British retail: none other than Asda and Waitrose. In a purportedly brazen move, Asda announced its all-singing, all-dancing ‘Just Essentials’ range on Monday, with which Waitrose has voiced dispute, claiming the branding is altogether too similar to their own ‘Essential Waitrose’ range.?

Granted, this may not appear quite as spicy as the great Caterpillar Cake Quarrel of ‘21, but I do love a good supermarket soirée, and I shall eagerly await the outcome.?

And who knows what the remainder of 2022 will bring to the world of business and marketing? Will there be a reputational disaster as seismic as P&O’s recent machinations? Will Grant Cardone shout EVEN louder than 10x? Will the Mancunian agency “Offended” spark more amusing outrage in those who take themselves too seriously? Will “Another Bloody Newsletter” slowly fall into obscurity??

With these questions I shall leave you, gentle reader, lest I take up too much of your time. I hope you enjoyed my brief foray into this silly newsletter. If not, I shall bear you no resentment… but it was surely not so bad as that “Riddle me this…” nonsense from a few weeks ago? I should think not.??

Yours truly,

Lady Whistledown