Knowing yourself is the foundation of leadership.

In leadership we speak often about being in integrity with who you are.??That takes courage.??

As the youngest of 3 sisters, and followed by an only son, I often felt “lost in the shuffle.”??

Outside of home I felt confident—I was liked by teachers and had good friends.??But at home, my high grades went unacknowledged because that’s what was expected.??I learned to keep a low profile by being accommodating and giving.??I learned it was frowned upon to draw attention to myself.??So I was careful to downplay down my scholastic (and sports) achievements.???My self-beliefs colored my interpretation of the world which in turn affected my choices.

As I grew older, I began making decisions that reflected my feelings of unworthiness.??I joined kids who broke rules, lived on the edge, and didn’t study (although I could never NOT study!).??I convinced myself I had no unique “gifts”, particularly in comparison to my three talented siblings.

I even dropped out of college to marry someone my parents disapproved of.??I became anorexic as I fought to find some aspect of myself over which I had control.??I even tried to convince myself I was happy.??But what I was really doing was hiding little pieces of myself (both literally and figuratively) working overtime to deny who I am.

Getting back to “me” began after the birth of my first child.??I began thinking about what I wanted for her, for me, for us.??I made some small shifts, taking responsibility for my own life in a way I never had before.??Although my parents had all but disowned me, I began speaking up to those who had come to think of me as accommodating and “good”. But that wasn’t the end of my bad decisions—I still made many based on how I wanted others to think of me—not how I wanted to think of myself.

Little by little I claimed back parts of me. I became less willing to tolerate behavior that wasn’t in my best interest.??I returned to the university, graduating summa cum laude, continuing on to earn my MBA, after which my career began in earnest.??I became a successful corporate facilitator and leadership coach, and the rest is history…

That’s not to say I’m forever and always?true to myself.??It’s an ongoing process—learning not to deny the truth of who I am.??We all have an innate desire to stand out, to mean something, to shine in our own right, and sometimes we compromise who we are for a few moments of (temporary) glory.???

So, when I coach businessmen and women, I always begin by helping them understand and acknowledge the core of who they are and how they show up.???Sometimes they struggle, just as I did. And when they do, I give them some suggestions to help them find themselves, just as I do.??You can pick one or all, but do check in with yourself.??Because there is nothing more freeing than being delighted with who you are when you are being “you”…

1.????As we get older, we leave behind some of our early passions.??What are some of the things you LOVED doing when you were little???What could you try today???I used to play piano and guitar.??I loved dancing and all manner of sports.??I carve out time to allow my body to MOVE every day.

2.?????What makes you FEEL unique/special???Maybe it’s a particular scarf or a pair of sunglasses. Maybe it’s taking an actual lunch hour or turning down an invitation that doesn’t interest you. Pick ONE thing each day that makes you feel good. (I love reading for fun, so I find time to read each evening—evening if for 20 minutes.?

3.?????What do you value most???Pick 1, 2 or 3 things that really matter to you.??How do you express that they matter? Do something every day that supports the things that (you say) are so important.??For me, nature and beauty ground me.??I make a round through my yard each morning—tending to my garden for a few minutes.?

4.?????Be quiet.??I learned to sit and meditate for just 10 minutes in the morning to be with myself.??We so often give others (our partners, friends) time to be alone, what about ourselves?

5.?????Be choosy about who you spend time with.??Sometimes we choose the company of people who don’t “feed our souls”.??Be honest about where you want to be and with whom.??No need to make excuses, just bow out gracefully with a sincere “thank you”—not right now. I was once in a course taught by a woman whose energy literally sucked me dry.??I made myself leave halfway through the 8-day program even though it was SOO difficult. What a relief!!!!

6.?????Notice who (else) might be struggling to speak up and encourage them.??Sometimes we can find strength in helping others.??You’re not the only one who struggles. It can be uplifting and rewarding to offer your support to someone else who is trying to find their voice.??That’s why I do what I do for leaders like you.

7.?????Find YOUR way to say “no”.??I know I sometimes compromise what’s good for me because it’s hard to say no.??Think of a phrase that works for you and start using it!??Even something like “I’ll think about it. I’m not sure that works for me…”??Mine is “I think I’ll pass this time…”

8.?????Create something—anything.??I always thought my sisters were so much more creative than me. One day, my middle sister invited me to try an art project with her.??I created the most beautiful wall hanging of my horse—I was so proud—it changed the way I think about myself and my ability to create.??It could be a cartoon, a poem, a journal, a garden, a wooden bench—anything at all!

At day’s end, if we feel successful and fulfilled, we will radiate positive energy, motivation and goodwill to those around us.??You have the ability to influence how others see themselves, just be being you.??Give it a try.

#personaldevelopment #leadershipdevelopment #selfawareness #integrity #leadership