Knowing when you're not qualified to help

I've learnt heaps about myself and others this year. I feel like for a lot of people this is the case. For me it's been from so many different people and situations, and if I look back on the unexpected events that changed the course of my original plans for 2020, I mostly wouldn't change a thing because of the amount of growth I have gone through. It sucks to say it but without pain you just don't grow. We have all had a bit of pain this year but I am constantly amazed by the strength and resilience of those around me as well as my own.

Recently I learnt something really valuable which was the main reason I sat down to write this article. I learnt when to realise you are NOT qualified to give advice/help. I think this is so important in the world we live in. We often have the best intentions at heart but we live in a world where social media gives us a platform and the freedom of speech to write whatever we want and throw it out to the public and friends as if it's factual. If we are lucky, most people know to take things we say with a pinch of salt and realise it's not necessarily true it's just what we believe to be true. But there are those that are somewhat naive. I ask people to really think twice before posting on social media, including LinkedIn, giving advice when they are not the expert in that field. It may be well intentioned but some people are susceptible to these forums and we have a responsibility to them.

The same goes for friends, colleagues and family you talk to. My lesson came in the form of an old friend coming to me with a drug problem. He thought given my lifestyle - I don't drink alcohol or do drugs, and living on the road so theoretically away from temptations, I would be a good person to stay with whilst he came off meth. And I thought to myself, somewhat naively I could help. I started conjuring up in my mind images of my healthy lifestyle rubbing off on him and being able to help him get back on the right path of clean living and being in nature. I really wanted to help and genuinely convinced myself (with no real research into what the withdrawal process would be like) that it could work so I invited him in.

We got to day 4 which in itself was a miracle and he said out of the blue he would meet me later at our next destination as he wanted to go ahead whilst I went on a walk I wanted to do with the pup. Long story short he went and found an old dealer and took some meth, came back, told me what he'd done and we sat down and had a chat. It was really hard for me to accept I wasn't the right person to help but in that moment I realised it. I initially felt like I had failed him for not having known what he was intending to do and maybe if I had done a few things differently he wouldn't have gone and done it. Regardless, we ended up deciding he needed to go elsewhere as it wasn't going to work for both of us. We worked out his friend had a place in Christchurch where he could get clean and then start a building apprenticeship instead to get him out of the job he was currently in that didn't help and on the straight and narrow. We said our goodbyes and he is now three weeks down living with his friend and their family and just about to start the apprenticeship and so far so good. I know deep down my faith in him and those four days made a huge impact getting him on the path he is now on.

This was my biggest lesson this year because I often want to help people - friends, family, strangers even. I genuinely believe I would do anything I could for someone if I thought they were a good person and I can help. I have a bit of a fixer personality which is well intended but not always good. We need to know when we should just be an ear and listen and then point that person in the direction of those that are more qualified to offer guidance. This covers all areas of ours lives - career advice, relationship advice, general life advice. We often think we know best and have all the answers but we often don't. It's ok to just listen. It's ok not to always have a solution.

Not only that but I think an art form that has been somewhat lost recently is the act of listening. I mean really listening. Not half hearing and half already thinking about what you're going to say in reply, or that time when something similar happened to you etc. I call it 'active listening' and it's definitely something I am working on. Once you realise you have a habit of doing it, it's quite a hard habit to break but I recommend it. It's quite egocentric to think we always have the answer even if the intention is good. It's much more effective if we listen hard and then if we aren't the ones to help, offer up someone who is.

This can be applied to our professional lives again and again. Seek out peers and mentors and guides - people that are experts in what they do and listen to their advice, from a slight distance. When your colleague or peer is talking to you about something that is frustrating them or worrying them - really listen and work out if they are just needing someone to hear them or if they are actually asking you for advice. I reckon more often than not its the former. But if it's the latter, take an extra moment to decide if you should be the one coming up with the solution.

Thanks for listening,

Tania