Knowing When Your Best “Yes” Might Be Saying “No”

As someone who spends much of my time teaching people how to hear "yes," it might seem unusual for me to write about the importance of saying "no." But sometimes, your most empowering "yes" comes from a thoughtful "no."

A Story of No: The Lesson of Saying No Gracefully

This idea hit home for me when I saw something online recently that reminded me of an incident with my daughter, Abigail, when she was around 12 years old. Abigail attended a school camp where one rule was that if anyone at the table didn’t finish their food, the entire table had to stand up and sing. At one meal, some of Abigail’s classmates didn’t finish their food, so they were all asked to stand and sing. Abigail stood up, but she didn’t sing. The camp counselor noticed and said, “I saw you didn’t sing.” Abigail, always direct (that’s my girl!), responded, “I don’t like singing.” The counselor challenged her, saying, “I’ll get you to sing.” Abigail politely responded, “No, you won’t.”

It became a battle of wills, with the counselor trying to pressure Abigail to comply. But Abigail remained firm, and eventually, her friends, feeling the tension, stood up to sing with her. Still, Abigail said no.

When she came home from camp, my wife Jane, who had been a chaperone, told me the whole story. I decided to talk with Abigail about it. Knowing she might have expected me to be upset, I surprised her when I said, “I’m proud of you.” She asked why and I explained that learning to say no is one of the most important life skills she could develop. It protects your boundaries and values, even when others try to sway you. However, I also cautioned her to recognize that in certain situations—like school—where teachers have the authority to tell her to certain things, and it's important to be discerning. That was a moment of bonding for both of us because she knew her mom and I had her back.

This story reflects a lesson we all need to carry into adulthood: sometimes, saying no is the strongest "yes" you can give yourself.

The Power of No in Everyday Life

Fast forward to today, and this lesson is one I apply often, especially when I reflect on the power of influence. In my role as a LinkedIn Learning instructor with over 23,000 followers, I receive lots of connection requests and invitations for virtual meetings. People want to connect, and most are genuine. But I’m only one person with limited time. I can’t jump on a 30-minute Zoom call with everyone who asks, no matter how tempting it may be to meet new people or deepen relationships.

So, I say no—a lot. It’s not because I don’t want to connect or help, but because I need to protect my most precious resource—time. I need that time for what matters most, both personally and professionally. By saying no to one thing, I’m creating space to say yes to something else that aligns with my goals or values.

Learning to say no graciously is a skill that takes time and practice, but it’s one of the most empowering tools you can develop. It allows you to set boundaries and prioritize what’s important without feeling overwhelmed or guilty.

Influence Isn’t Always About Getting to Yes

As someone who teaches how to hear “yes,” you might think the goal is to always get others to agree. But sometimes, understanding when to say no is equally important. In his best-selling book, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Dr. Robert Cialdini includes defense mechanisms against automatic compliance at the end of each chapter. He emphasizes that if someone is using influence principles unethically, or if saying yes isn’t in your best interest, you need strategies to defend yourself.

The key to ethical influence is knowing when a no is necessary to protect your values, resources, or priorities. As you face the demands of a hyper-connected world, where people constantly seek your attention, being selective about your yeses becomes even more crucial.

How to Say No—Gracefully

So, how can you say no without feeling like you’re letting someone down? Here are a few strategies:

• Acknowledge the request: Show appreciation for the invitation, opportunity, or offer.
• Be honest: Give a brief, truthful explanation about why you can’t commit. Most people will understand if you’re up against time constraints.
• Offer an alternative: If appropriate, suggest another way to help or a later time to reconnect.

In the end, saying no can be a way of affirming your priorities while respecting others. It’s not about rejecting someone—it’s about protecting your time.

Conclusion: The Empowering No

As you navigate life and business, remember that not every opportunity deserves a yes. Sometimes, a no will open doors for greater, more meaningful yeses later. By learning to say no gracefully, you create room to invest your time, energy, and attention in the things that matter most.

In a world that constantly pushes for more, more, more, there’s true power in mastering the art of saying yes less.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at?Influence PEOPLE ?and a faculty member at the?Cialdini Institute . An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book,?Influence PEOPLE , was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority.?Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents ?was an Amazon new release bestseller.?The Influencer , is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence in everyday situations.

Brian’s?LinkedIn courses ?on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 725,000 people around the world and his?TEDx Talk ?on pre-suasion has more than a million views!