Knowing when to let go of people in your life...and how to choose those closest to you

How much effort should we put into relationships for them to grow without wasting energy on someone who mostly just takes?

This is what I've been working on (again!) in my life and I've come to realise that I'm holding onto the idea of being connected with people who simply put - don't serve me anymore.

When I say "don't serve me", I am referring to this idea that the energy I put into the relationship isn't translating to adding enough value to the world.

Said in another way, their involvement in my life is holding me back from living my purpose.

It's really quite saddening to recognise that people you hoped would be in your life for a long time can so easily become avoidant, resistant, using, controlling or egotistical.

This post was inspired by this video (ad-hoc on the way to the beach...) which I had quite a few people share with me their thoughts and how much they resonated with the topic. It’s such an important part of growing into the future you that I felt it was worthwhile elaborating.

The first time I had (consciously) experienced a deep sense of loss was in 2018 when someone I considered a very close friend showed how much we had grown apart. While he left his marriage in the best way he knew how, it was cold, heartless and selfish. Then to make matters worse, when I reached out multiple times to see how he was and to make sure he was alright, he started avoiding me. Now I was really conflicted. I had a friend who was having a really hard time (self-inflicted, but still not easy) and he also was becoming more recluse & hiding himself in work. Was I meant to help him? Let him be? Get frustrated with him? Keep calling to no answer and messaging to no reply?

Long story short: Through sitting in two hours straight of meditation, the answer came quite clearly. My frustration was not because of him, his actions or our relationship. It was a result of my holding onto having the idea of him in my life.

Letting go of people

Once I let the idea of the relationship go, so did I let go of the pain and I was on an amazing high. It was like I was floating. I was filled with energy, exceptionally focused and the connection I had with my wife & the impact I was having on clients grew drastically.

This is an important concept to clarify. Letting go does not mean kicking someone out of your life or pushing them away. It doesn’t mean deleting their phone number or removing then from on LinkedIn. 

Letting go is about not holding on so tightly. Allowing the relationship to be free of neediness and frustration.

Proximity is power

I revisited a concept I had heard from many of the greats and said best by Tony Robbins: “Proximity is Power”. The concept is backed by statistics such as “Your income will become the average of the five people you spent most of your time with” but expands beyond income. Your values, ethics, fitness, health, relationship, impact...will become the average of the people you spend most time with.

So I started questioning all the relationships I had in my life and made a decision to actively choose who was close and who was further away. I wasn’t going to spend my time with people just because I had gone to high school with them, shared a university subject or worked in the same office for a year. Nor was I going to spend time with people who because they’ve been “successful”.

Value alignment

The decision was to surround myself with people who have beautiful views of life, loving intentions toward the world and a heartfelt care for others. People who are determined to make a positive impact on the world because that will pull me to continuously move toward adding more value to everyone I connect with.

I redefined who was in my life, made new connections based on my purpose and everything started moving more positively & purposefully. I identified a much more aligned business partner (my previous business partner was also value aligned but we weren’t going in a similar enough direction). Started spending more time with more of the right people. Became picky about which social events or catch ups I would go to. Stopped speaking to unaligned referral partners. Cut to the chase with tough “pushy” growth-focused questions to quickly suss-out who is worth spending time & energy with and who isn’t.

And then I made a big mistake...

I stopped updating the list! ???♂????♂?

Staying true to your growth mindset

It’s not because I didn’t care about who was in my proximity. It’s that I suffer from a severe & chronic case of confirmation bias. I got to the stage of seeing how wonderful my social network had become that I ignored all evidence to the contrary. I wanted to believe that those in my proximity were all amazing and just right that I neglected to see some pretty telling signs. 

It all came to a head when I started receiving advice on:

• Running a coaching business by someone who isn’t a coach
• Running a financial advice business by someone who’s finances are in an absolute mess
• My marriage by people who haven’t been in any committed relationships for more than a year
• Parenting by someone who hasn’t even spend time with babies or toddlers

It’s one thing to surround yourself with people who are better than you are but many people misappropriate that to mean people with more confidence or - most likely - ego. When people think they’re better than you, they will judge you and then they can no longer serve you or your mission - especially if they’re not actually “better” than you!

That said, when people have more experience and a more valuable perspective of life (usually from that experience) then they may wish to guide and mentor you to share in their more valuable perspectives than your own. These are people you want more of in your life!

Mutual respect

No matter if someone looks up to you or you look up to them, they must value you, your time & your energy or else they are just using you. This might be to take something from you or it might just be to build up their own ego. 

For example, I’ve also identified people in my life recently who don’t want to connect at all. Or when they do, it’s only on their terms. Simply put, they are only interacting with you for themselves, not for mutual growth and mutual connection. I’ve discovered that these are definitely people to let go of.

Someone is dodging your phone calls? Make sure they’re doing ok. 

They’re fine and still dodging your calls? They are not showing you respect.

There are some exceptions to this, such as exceptionally introverted individuals or friends who are genuinely extremely busy. They may simply need space from everyone, not just from you.

In all instances, just make sure you show them respect by sharing with them how you feel. If they respond unkindly, without empathy or don’t respond at all, then the respect doesn't go both ways. They are not worth holding onto.

Relationships must be built on mutual respect.

So what makes a true friendship?

Asked another way would be:

“Who should we keep in our proximity and who do we need to let go of?”

We’ve already discussed Value Alignment, Growth Mindset & Mutual Respect.

At Purpose Advisory, we've often used to the concept or Mentors, Peer-Mentors, Peers, Peer-Mentees & Mentees as part of building out your own Mentoring Map.

This model (created by yours truly at Purpose Advisory) expands on this and explores support & aspiration.

A mentee is someone who you are guiding on their journey to become a better version of themself.

A mentor is someone who is guiding you on your journey to become a better version of yourself.

A peer is someone you share the journey with (spouse, co-worker, exercise buddy, typical “friend”).

A collaborator is where you both have respect for each other and can inspire each other to do better. (An absolute must for an incredible friendship)

When a relationship in your life consists of both of you guiding each other & both of you inspiring each other then you have true friendship.

This involves an exceptionally high level of mutual respect, honesty & accountability.

This doesn't apply to all areas of life for each relationship.

You may have someone who is your mentor with health and you are their mentor with parenting.

You may have someone who is a mentor for your career and they are your peer with spirituality.

The drawback of course is that these relationships have limitations. You know there are certain areas which you just can't discuss openly or authentically. Still valuable to have!

And there are those incredibly special relationships where it you really do guide & inspire each other in all areas of life. The people you share your frustrations with and they inspire you to stand back up. The people who share their challenges with you and you just make space for them, or tell them how it is, or jump in and help them solve it - whatever is right at the time. These are the friendships which energise your entire life.

Imagine a life with 10 of these types of friendships around you? Wouldn't that be incredible?

So what does this say about your relationships right now?

Who is in your proximity?

Who do you need to let go of?

Why are you still holding onto the idea of the relationship you have with them?

How will your life change if you are free of their distractions, pity, envy & ego?

...and here’s the reach coaching question...

What are you going to do about it?

I hope this has helped you in clarifying who is most important to you in your world.

This may be friends you've wished are different to who they actually are. Or seeing colleagues as they are rather than who they ought to be. Maybe it's causing you to think twice about your spouse or your family. This is not trying to destroy households.

I'm encouraging you to see the world for what it is. To see others in your life as they are. And to garner the courage to be honest with yourself while taking intentional & empowered action.

Because empowered action is the only way you can take your life to the next level.

If you have any questions or would like to discuss this, feel free to message me directly or book in a 20 min intro call via: https://purposeadvisory.as.me/clientintro