Knowing Ourselves: Passive Assertive Aggressive

We all know the person. The one who will talk over everyone else. The one who demands you see things their way. The one who is always confrontational. We all know an aggressive person. Maybe that is your parent, boss, or spouse. Maybe it is you.

We also know the other person. The one who is quiet.The one who hates confrontation. The one who doesn't stand up for themselves. We all know a passive person. Maybe that is your parent, boss, or spouse. Maybe it's you.

If we really think hard, we will realize we can be aggressive and passive, just at different times under different circumstances. One of the things about being passive or aggressive is that it is not a light switch, a black/white mode. Instead, Passive and Aggressive sit on a spectrum. 

As a spectrum, we may move along this at any time for various reasons. However, we also tend to "lean" towards one side or the other most of the time. It is helpful to reflect on what our default is, and what tends to push us in one side or another. 

Passive

On the far left of the spectrum is passive. When we are being passive, we tend to exhibit some of these traits:

• Deny our emotions
• Avoid Confrontation
• Focus on Others
• May come across as “nice”
• Resentment / Latent Hostility
• Powerless
• Guilt
• Shame
• Frustration

When we are being passive, we tend to focus all of our energy on other people. This can easily come off to others as being very nice. We do this because we are often thinking less of ourselves. We may think our opinions don't matter, or they aren't worth as much. 

However, deep down we know something - we do matter. We want our opinions heard. We struggle when the story we tell ourselves is predominantly the opposite. We wonder why others don't listen, although we aren't speaking. 

This contradiction is what can make us feel powerless, and that powerlessness eventually builds into resentment and frustration. 

Aggressive

On the far other side of the spectrum is aggressive behavior. When we are aggressive, we tend to exhibit some of these traits:

• Confrontational
• Controlling
• Focused on Self
• May come across as “mean”
• Explode
• Arrogant
• Interrupting
• Thinking we are always right
• Frustration

When we are aggressive, we tend to focus on just ourselves. We are right, they are wrong. We are so right, we will interrupt, control the conversation, and be very confrontational. We can explode, saying things we later regret. In it's furthest extreme, aggression can be violent. This is why we really need to watch our escalation levels.

We do this because we, in that moment, think we are better than the other person. Their thoughts and feelings shouldn't carry as much weight. Now we may not say that out loud, but this is a driving factor to aggressive behavior.  

What's the balance? Assertive

Being Assertive is the middle ground. The upper bounds in the diagram above is to represent that Assertive itself is part of the spectrum. We can be more "passive assertive" and more "aggressive assertive". 

In general, Assertive behaviors are about being clear and direct, while also recognizing that there are 2 sides. Most importantly, to be assertive, we must recognize both sides as equal. I am not more important than you (aggressive) but you are not more important than me (passive). 

Assertive behavior requires vulnerability. Vulnerability comes from the latin "to wound". It means to be open to attack. Why would we want to be vulnerable? Without vulnerability there is no love. (For more on vulnerability, read basically ANY of Brene Brown's books, but I particularly recommend Daring Greatly) 

Assertive behavior is vulnerable because we must be honest about how we feel and communicate that. We must acknowledge our own emotions. When we communicate how we feel, our emotions, we risk someone using our emotions as a weapon against us. We open ourselves up to be wounded.

We also must recognize the other person has emotions and that them sharing their emotions is also vulnerable for them. We also need to realize that our behavior might have triggered their emotions, and we need to recognize them as an equal and listen and be open to hearing their thoughts. 

Assertiveness is the key to a balanced life. We can stay within our values, and recognize others as equals. We can be heard, and hear others.

Under Stress

Assertiveness sounds great, but it isn't the end of the story. When we are under stress, depending on our natural leaning towards passive or aggressive, we can find 1 of 3 main behaviors come into play:

1. Turtle reclusion
2. Hailstorm explosion
3. Passive Aggressive behaviors

Turtle Reclusion

I don't know who came up with the Turtle vs the Hailstorm, but it works well to illustrate this behavior. (You can google Turtle vs Hailstorm and find a lot of material.)

The Turtle is normally someone whose default mode is passive. Because they avoid confrontation, when there is confrontation it makes them uncomfortable and is very stressful. Under stress, whether by confrontation or not, the turtle will end up going back into their shell, becoming even more passive. They avoid the confrontation, they talk less, and they just wait for the storm to blow over.

Hailstorm Explosion

The Hailstorm Explosion can happen in one of 2 ways:

1. An already aggressive person is pushed, and they become more aggressive (similiar to the turtle in this way, a more extreme version of their natural leaning)
2. A passive person gets pushed beyond their limits and "explode"

For #2, what happens is that the passive person, being pushed, skips over assertive and goes straight into aggressive mode. This will feel unnatural for them, but they have gotten to a point where they demand to be heard! 

In either case, the Hailstorm represents all the traits of someone in aggressive mode. They will speak over others, interrupt, and do whatever they think they need to so that they get their point across.

Passive Aggressive

We know this person too. Passive Aggressive behavior is something many people talk about, but like any behavior, there are more overt forms and more subtle forms. In general passive aggressive is any behavior that is indirect, but an attempt at seaking control. This control is normally a form of manipulation. 

Passive Aggressive behavior, like the hailstorm, avoids being assertive. This avoidance is part of the passive traits. Hailstorm is a very direct form of aggression. Passive Aggressive is indirect and unclear. Where hailstorm, though aggressive, you know what they are saying. Passive Aggressive indirect communication leaves you guessing what the person really means, telling yourself stories to fill in the blanks. 

Sarcasm can often be a tool of passive aggressive behavior. There is a fine line between joking and trying to use indirect communication to drive a point home. 

Common phrases in passive aggressive behavior is "fine" or "whatever". Both of these phrases are often dismissive, and wreak of resentment. We want to avoid the issue, while also expressing displeasure, but not communicating too much or why we are unhappy. 

One more subtle phrase that is often used in business contexts that is passive aggressive is "thanks in advance". This phrase seems harmless, but we are trying to manipulate the audience to feel guilty for the action we are just now asking them to do. They haven't agreed to do anything yet, but we are thanking them anyways. 

One of the reasons why passive aggressive can be hard to describe or talk about, is that it often isn't verbal. These phrases are helpful, but it is the tone and body language with them that can matter. When a positive word is used but with a negative tone or body language, it is indirect and we start guessing what the person really means.

How do we improve under stress?

We just talked about several things that happen to us under stress. We can definitely change our behavior and move towards assertive, but it isn't easy and it rests heavily on our own awareness.

Know the Spectrum

First, becoming aware in advance of any stressor what each of these points on the spectrum look like (reading this article is a good first step). Talk to others about them (share this article if they aren't familiar). Being able to talk about this with others, or better yet a counselor, can help grow your own understanding of how you, and others think, in essence just human psychology.

Know our own natural default

We also need to evaluate ourselves seriously. Where do I naturally fall on the spectrum? Am I more passive or more aggressive under normal circumstances? To ask this question and evaluate ourselves honestly, we must do so without judgement. This is not to say that you are bad because you are passive or aggressive. You aren't flawed, you are human. If you can evaluate yourself without judgement, then this can be a great next step. 

Know our default under stress

Next, we need to become aware of our natural tendency under stress. Where do we tend to go under stress - Turtle, Hailstorm, or Passive Aggressive? These 3 stress mechanisms all have some root, some reason for why we go there. They are coping mechanisms often from our childhood or behaviors we saw our parents or parental figures model when we were young. We need to gain recognition to what we do and try to unpeel the onion a bit of why we do it.

Recall this when under stress

Last, and in my opinion the hardest, is to become aware enough to see which of the stress models we are doing IN THE MOMENT. This is very hard because over our life, these models become automatic to us. We don't think "let me get aggressive" or "let me go into my shell". We just do it. However, being able to evaluate this in real time is when we can learn to assert ourselves. Over time as we become aware in the moment, we can recognize it, stop it, and choose a different path.

Conclusion

This is the basis for 90% of my own work in counseling for the last few years. Initially, I thought I was the only one who struggled with this. However, as I began talking about this, I found this gave the vocabulary for many others to understand themselves and those around them better. 

I still mess up. I remember as I started to get better at this, I realized in the middle of a fight I was being passive aggressive but continued anyways. I still do it. But I am getting better at being able to communicate earlier on, letting the steam out of the kettle, and being honest with people. Being assertive up front has made what I thought would be hard conversations, a whole lot easier. 

It takes time. It takes practice. But it makes for better relationships in every context - marriage, family, friends, and business. 

A few questions for you to chew on, and I would love to hear your thoughts on in the comments:

1. Where are you on default - passive side or aggressive side?
2. Where do you turn under stress - turtle, hailstorm, or passive aggressive? Why do you think you may go there?
3. How do you think understanding this could help you in your own life?