Know Your Why: Holiday Blog Series Part 3

Thanks for continuing learning with me in this winter series!

As we have already established in the last few blogs, this time of year can be particularly challenging.  

While others are thinking “Vacation… Yay!” You are thinking the same thing, but in an extremely sarcastic tone. 

Many of us do actually need that long-awaited break from the hum-drum, or the craziness of day-to-day life, but somehow, vacations don’t always end up being the break we so desperately needed. When we are adults, "time-off" is not the same as vacation. Many people come back from a vacation feeling like they need a vacation from their vacation! (Let’s not forget the people that don’t actually get a vacation this time of year. Sorry about that. Keep reading though, I promise the lessons will still be relevant to you too).

So for those of us that do have vacation at this time of year, here are a few reasons why your vacation might not really feel like a vacation...

WORK-LIFE BALANCE

In this fast-paced world, our work-life balance becomes easily compromised. Even when we are technically “off” many work environments demand otherwise. If you work for yourself, it can be worse or better depending on the boundaries you have set, or your stress management techniques. But regardless, leaving work for an extended period of time means there will be a million tasks waiting for us when we come back... and the people at work will be waiting for us to come back relaxed, tanned, and with a cheery smile plastered on our exhausted faces.

LIFE-LIFE BALANCE

Even when work allows you the freedom to disconnect, we are never really “off” with other life-responsibilities. If you are like me, you will have sticky notes of reminders all over your desk; “call mom back”, “call Aunt Polly for her birthday”,”book the exterminator”, “don't forget to pick up meds from the pharmacy”,”pick up grover from the vet”,”don’t forget your wallet when you go to the passport office this time”... 

Responsibilities pile up faster than laundry.

It’s really hard to manage everything in general, and just thinking of the mounting pile of sticky notes that are not getting addressed while you are sitting on the beach drinking pina coladas does not make for a very restful vacation. And besides, as parents, we must still parent. 

As spouses, we still need to spouse… for ourselves, we still need to exercise and take care of our basic needs (maybe get in a shower here and there)… There are people in our lives waiting to hear from us, phone calls that must be returned, laundry that’s piled up, and little ones wanting our undivided attention the entire vacation (unless we let them watch movies or play video games for endless hours and allow their brains to turn to mush).

So, how do we get through all of these unrealistic life demands?

They are so hard to manage on a day-to-day basis, let alone this time of year!

Honestly, it’s a tough one. I know you are not going to like this, but I don’t have all the answers. 

With that being said, there is a tool I use in my own life to help put things into perspective...

KNOW YOUR WHY 

Why do you do anything?

Have you ever stopped to think about it? Or are you the type that just keeps going and going like the energizer bunny to avoid thinking too much?

To be truly healthy, this is a really important question to ask yourself “What’s your “why”?”

Take time right now (yes, at this very moment - there is no time like the present!) to figure out and / or remind yourself of your WHY.

WHY

Why do I work so hard?...

Why is (________) important to me?...

Why work on connecting better with my partner? ...

Why college?...

Why that particular job?...

Why advance in my profession?...

Why celebrate my promotion at work?...

Why make time for loved ones and nurture particular relationships?...

Why Cook and clean? ...

Why work on our patience and tolerance?...

Why accomplish that next task?...

Why get healthy?

If you don't know your why then you're spending your life spinning wheels. Or as some might say, “walking up the down escalator.”

So, let's talk practically. 

As we grow up, we become more and more independent (hopefully) and are tasked with slowly paving out the lives that feel right to us, rather than live the lives that our caregivers lived, or had hoped for us. Hopefully that means building a life that has some direction, some form of meaning, and a sense of VALUE & PURPOSE. 

Your values and sense of purpose may not be aligned with your reality.

Carving out your own place in the world is not an easy task - especially if you were raised with many expectations to live or be a specific way. (This will be discussed further in a future post “permission slip”)

WHO + WHAT + WHEN + WHERE + WHY = HOW

Using our WHY in combination with the Five W’s will help us discover our values, so we can begin to filter out all of the noise that is keeping us from our much needed R&R. 

So let’s get curious...

Many young students use the Five Ws as questions to help guide them in gathering basic information and for problem solving in school. These guidelines are used later in life in most careers including journalism, research, writing, and even in police investigations… Greek Philosopher Aristotle, actually used his own version of these questions to formulate the background of many of his ethical findings. 

So let’s be explorers and use the same formula to figure out our own meaning, purpose, and values so we can rest a bit easier this season.

WHO

Who am I expected to be?

Who do I actually want to be?

Who has expectations of me?

Whose expectations do I actually need to care about?

Whose expectations do I actually NOT need to care that much about?

Who are the most important people in my life?

Who trumps who?

Who are the people that care most about me?

Who are my confidants and the people I can trust?

Who are my mentors, the people I look at as living the ideal life I want to live?

WHAT

What really matters in my life?

What are my priorities?

What do I feel should be done but I don’t want to do it?

What expectations do I have for myself?

What expectations do others have of me?

What expectations are realistic?

What expectations are not really realistic?

What are the things I do that I can give up to prioritize other things?

What do I have to do to live my best life and become the best version of myself?

WHEN

When did I start feeling overwhelmed? Was I overwhelmed as a child?

When did my priorities start to shift?

When did I start dropping balls in my life?

When did my parents start to feel overwhelmingly demanding?

When did my partner become so distant?

When did my mother-in-law become so dominating?

When did I start becoming “that” mother?

When did I feel the happiest in my life?

WHERE

Where do I want to end up?

Where did I learn my priorities from?

Where do my feelings of unworthiness stem from?

Where did I learn to place work and money over family?

Where did I learn the most about who I am?

Where did I pick up these bad habits? 

Where did I pick up these negative and destructive thought patterns?

Where did I learn to react in this way?

Where is my damn wallet? (just kidding)

Now go back to your WHY list.

Now that you have taken the other Ws into account, has your WHY perspective shifted at all?

Often, when we look into the origins of where our values are stemming from, we realize that what we thought our WHY’s were, are actually quite different than what they truly are and based on someone else’s Ws (or value system). 

You will know that it’s your why and not someone else’s why when you learn to tune into your intuition. Your why will feel right to you. 

Your mind, body and soul work together really well when you let them.

So now that we have reviewed all of the other pieces… what is your ultimate why? What pushes you through the long days? What keeps you going?

Here's what I've gotten from the myriad of people who've taken some time to sit with the question of "WHY".  

I’m making choices in my life in order to;

• BUILD / GROW/EVOLVE _______ {emotionally, financially, spiritually, physically, }
• CREATE
• SPEAKING MY TRUTH
• FINDING MY VOICE 
• CARVE OUT MY OWN PLACE IN THE WORLD 
• GIVE BACK
• MAKE A DIFFERENCE
• GIVE MY CHILD A BETTER WORLD TO LIVE IN
• BE HAPPY & FULFILLED

So let's tie this all together…

What will usually come between you feeling relaxed and fulfilled {on vacation and during routine schedule} is that you may be living out of balance with your priorities. When we start to re-evaluate our priorities based on our why’s, we force ourselves to narrow down the things we actually care about, while prioritizing the ones we care about the most. 

For instance, you might think to yourself “I care about my job. I love what I do. I love the people I work with, It’s really meaningful work… but I don’t have proper “time boundaries”. Because I’m always accessible, my work ends up taking over my entire life and I hardly see my family. I recognize that I am prioritizing this job over my relationship with my partner and/or children”.

Your family likely views your why (meaning your end-game) as the job rather than money which is used to support the family. Ever heard the song “The Cat's in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin? If not, read the lyrics. It will drive home this message.

So let’s say you re-evaluate and decide your why is really your nuclear family, you’ll naturally put work second, and stick to your “time boundaries” and other necessary limits needed to protect your time with family. 

So based on this example, (You can do this exercise with any WHY - this is just one example) your HOW might look a bit like this:

Prioritize Yourself.

1. (You can’t pour from an empty cup). If you burn out, you will not be able to connect with your family. See my blog posts “Permission Slip” for more info on healthy selfishness, and “Winter Blues: Trying to predict the Unpredictable” for some self-care tips.

Live in the moment.

1. When you are playing on the beach with your kids (and your pina colada) take it all in. Smell the fresh air, listen to the sounds of your child squealing with joy as the waves crash onto the shore, taste the coconut flavor as you down your second pina colada, touch the sand and shells, look around you and all the colors in the trees and the sky. If you are still thinking about your pile of sticky notes at your desk or the calls you have to return when you get back to work, we might have to practice a bit more. 

Boundaries.

1. Boundaries will help with the above. If you need to have your phone on, try to designate some time without it. If you need time alone, take it. If your boss can’t handle a few hours without access to you (unless you are a doctor or in another life-saving profession) you might want to re-evaluate your work boundaries. Your time is your time is your time. People without boundaries often dislike when people have them. That’s not your problem. When you know your WHY, you must learn to be ok with disappointing people that compromise on your ability to focus on it. 

So for today, make a plan for your how before any time off or vacation so you can make it one that works well for you and is aligned with your values. 

And now, I’d love to hear from you:

What are your values in life right now? What are steps you’ve taken to prioritize your “why”? Was there any big moment that highlighted the importance of your goals? When was the last time you re-assessed your Five W’s? I invite you to share your experiences in the comment section below.

Stay tuned for our next section titled” Feelings On Demand” and have to navigate the sometimes choppy waters of emotional intensity.

Until then,

Esther