Know When To Hold 'Em

To me, gaining the love and respect of my friends is important. Now I thought I did this by supporting them, showing compassion and a willingness to help and being there when they needed me, but a few weeks ago I found out what really gains people’s respect. 

It was my friend's 50th birthday party. We were sharing a beautiful grazing table and pouring drinks from the frozen margarita machine. A great night. A bit later in the evening, one of my favourite songs comes on, Kenny Rogers' ‘The Gambler’ (no judgement please!) As soon as the song comes on, I'm up, belting it out start to finish, word for word, possibly helped by the margarita slushies. When I finished singing there was an explosion of applause. Well, that's how I remember it anyway….

A few weeks later, when I caught up with these friends again, they said, "We always liked you Midja, but it wasn't until we heard you singing The Gambler that you gained our full respect." If any I had known, it was that easy!

I love the song The Gambler for two reasons. The first is that it I remember sitting with my Dad on a Saturday afternoon and singing that song on our front veranda. So, when I hear it, I think of him. Secondly, I love the song because it contains advice that I give to my clients all the time:

“You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away and know when to run.“ 

As a leader, you need to be bold and decisive. You need to take action and not be afraid to take risks. But also as a leader you need to sometimes show patience and restraint. You need to listen and understand. 

There are many times when you have to confidently take your seat at the card table, play your hand and show your cards, but there are other times when you need to hold your cards close. You need to keep your opinion, point of view and advice to yourself. There are also other times when you actually have to fold and let an issue go. You must remember that you'll be dealt another hand, a better hand. Wait for a better situation. Wait for a better time.

I believe there are three situations in leadership where it is best to hold them:

1. When you're highly emotional around an issue. If you can't keep a poker face, then don't play. Now I love passion and excitement, but as a leader you need to recognise the distinction between being passionate and being impulsive and reckless; when you’re thinking right back in your reptilian brain and reacting purely on instinct. In these situations, it might be better for another person to handle the situation or just to wait until that highly emotional state is over.

2. When you encounter an unexpected or unusual response to an issue. This is where someone else's behaviour is uncharacteristic of them, sometimes off the chart. You’re not sure why and you may never know. This is not the time to show your hand. It's not the time to push because pushing will do more harm than good. Give them space. Often, I've seen that when you give them space, they often come back and acknowledge their over the top reaction and your point of view. 

3. When you're in a new leadership role or a new relationship. Often this is the time, when you want to rush to sit at the table and you want to show all your cards; show them all your aces. You want to make a big contribution but just like a gambler, you need to observe the table first. See what cards have already fallen and the reaction to those cards. You need to get to know the dealer and the other players. There is not enough trust or confidence to play just yet. You need time to gather more information and read the state of play. 

Leadership is a wonderful balancing act of showing confidence and humility. You want to be authentic and vulnerable, but this doesn’t mean that every day in every situation, you play an open hand.

If you can gain the skill of knowing when to show them, when to hold them and when to fold them, you will gain greater influence and be able to bring about positive change in your team and organisation. 

Champagne and Sunshine, 

Midja x

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Midja is a leadership expert, keynote speaker, facilitator, mentor and author with over 20 years experience in the corporate world as a lawyer and Learning and Development Specialist. 

What's unique about Midja is her infectious energy, enthusiasm and optimism. Midja partners with individuals and teams to create leaders people want to follow, teams people want to play with and organisations people want to belong to. 

Her programs include:

- Women with Confidence 

- Great Lawyer to Great Leader 

- Leaders Worth Following: Authentic Leadership

- High Performing Teams

Contact Midja for details on 0408 718 445 or [email protected]

Midja is the author of two books - Great Lawyer to Great Leader and Confidence - How To Be Your Most Authentic, Courageous and Unshakeable Self.

Buy your copy here https://www.midja.com.au/product/confidence-the-perfect-book-for-female-leaders/