To Know Thyself: How Teens and Young Adults find emotional intelligence in the Enneagram
David Kline
Co-Founder, Entertainment Consultant, ICF Executive Coach/Life Coach/IOC Fellow Member at McLean Hospital, A Harvard University Affiliate/ Enneagram Facilitator/Leadership Mentor/WGA Writer/Producer/Screenplay Consultant
(The first in a series on young adults and teens in leadership development)
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“The goal of adolescence is the establishment of a clear and stable sense of self.”?
-Psychologist Erik Erikson
How many young adults and teens if asked would say they “have a clear and stable sense of self”? For most teens, self-discovery is random, circuitous,? and evasive (as it was for many of us who took years, even decades “to find ourselves”…)?
As parents, we take on the role of cheerleaders in reminding our kids that the stakes are low— that now is a time to try, try, and try again- to explore and experience. To take risks. To get out of one’s comfort zone. To challenge oneself… To be vulnerable… Err… Maybe not the last one…
Vulnerability… There are few young adults and teens who want to be told to explore their vulnerability.? And yet being vulnerable is a direct pathway to leadership. How can you find the courage to lead without identifying and confronting your fears??
For adults, parents, and coaches, the thought of exploring vulnerability is a minefield. Instead of exposing are children to the soft skills of leadership,? they are offered external opportunities for leadership on academic teams, sports teams, community, charity, and civic service projects- where action and purpose are rewarded and boxes are checked off in boosting college resumes.? And yet while accomplishment and achievement may suggest future leadership, it does nurture future leadership.?
What teens and young adults need now— in a world of such turmoil and heightened uncertainty— are internal opportunities for growth— self-discovery,? self-regulation, for self-leadership.?
Self-leadership is defined by Marieta Du Plessis (2019) as the capacity to identify and apply one’s signature strengths to initiate, maintain, or sustain self-influencing behaviors. It’s a concept that is drawn from interdisciplinary theoretical models and frameworks from the field of positive psychology. But it can also be drawn from the Enneagram.
The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision.
-Neil Gaiman
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The Enneagram symbol is composed of a circle with nine equidistant points, each representing one of the nine personality types. These types are characterized by a unique combination of strengths, weaknesses, fears, and triggers that shape thoughts, feelings, and actions. Your number type defines the lens through which you view the world.
WHAT MOTIVATES YOU
The Enneagram is in simplest terms a personal system for self-discovery and personal growth. It can help you understand your own unconscious motivations and behaviors, as well as the motivations and behaviors of others, which can lead to more harmonious relationships, better communication, and more effective problem-solving, all of which can make one a better leader.?
WHO USES IT
The use of the Enneagram dates back centuries. And yet as a model of understanding human beings, it’s never been as widely used. Companies like NASA now use Enneagram to gain insights into their employees in order to create a culture of belonging. Teams use Enneagram to understand how various types might leverage their strengths in working together. Several of our favorite executive coaches— including Diana Chapman— use the Enneagram as a primary assessment tool.?
So where does the Enneagram fit into a leadership program for young people??
“Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. It is precisely that simple, and precisely that difficult.”— Warren Bennis- Author, Scholar, Leadership Expert
The most advanced part of our brain, the prefrontal lobe, doesn’t fully mature until age 25. And yet it is during that late-teen into early 20s period that pivotal decisions are made around education, work, and career paths….? This is arguably the most important time for young people to have a navigational system in place.
The Enneagram allows teens- “to know thyself”- through self-awareness— so they can break free from personality constraints— “to become thyself”. Because the Enneagram is not just a self-discovery tool, but a vertical growth tool, young adults and teens can identify their levels of healthy alignment. At the pinnacle of healthy alignment is the surrender or liberation of the ego, at which point one finds one’s most authentic essential self.? What quest is more impactful for a teen than the quest for authenticity??
When teens are coached through the wisdom of the Enneagram, they can develop:
The effects of the Enneagram are profound and lifelong. Too many teens undervalue what they are, and overvalue what they are not.? As a tool for leadership, teens can begin to understand what we call their sweet spots, sore spots, and blind spots; their motivations, internal conflicts, anxieties, and self-limiting beliefs. They can begin to see how they have “put themselves in a box” and, with a bit of courage and vulnerability, begin to see how they can bravely step out of the box to confront their fears and liberate the many strengths, passions, and attributes buried within.??
For many of us, the available tools of awareness are ignored until we are well into our 30s, 40s, and 50s— it is only then that we begin to take action to free ourselves from the limitations of our behavioral patterns.? What would our lives have looked like if someone had give us a system to identify those patterns when we were young adults?? How much more responsibility could we have shouldered if given a roadmap?
Unfortunately, Western society doesn’t honor the capabilities of teens and young adults. In other cultures, teens and young adults take on the jobs and responsibilities that are asked of them because adults have taken the time to teach, equip, and integrate them into young adulthood. They are not telling their children to postpone the process of “finding themselves” as we do— until college or post-grad. We often say we must treat our kids like the young adults that they are- and yet the tools of self-discovery that we use as adults are not available to them.??
At a time, when “the kids are not all right”, when mental health disorders in youth have risen significantly,? the tools of self-leadership can have an immediate impact.? Families, coaches, therapists, mentors, and Enneagram facilitators can provide teens and young adults a system in place so that they may “establish a clear and stable self.” The tools are here for all of us. Why not put them to use?