Know Better To Do Better—Stop Abusing "Your," "You're," "To," "Too," "Two," "Are," "Our," "They're," "Their," and "There"

January 2nd, 2020

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Dear Employees, Friends, Family, Trolls, $cumbags, Bozos, Amateurs, and Peasants:

Let there be no misunderstanding as this new decade begins. My resolution was declared yesterday in an indirect-yet-direct AF manner here on the garbage dump of humanity, the internet. One of the most important and respectful aspects of being alive is having a voice to own and use carefully. Yes, what you heard is true:

I have been chosen by Gorak, Lord of the 6th Dimension, to teach all of you during this next decade about the proper meanings and uses of "your," "you're," "to," "too," "two," "are," "our," "they're," "their," and "there."

Your voice represents your words and vice versa. Being sharp with thoughts, words, and actions is impressive. Not knowing the proper usage of those above elementary words is alarming. It has become clear and frustrating over the past two decades—with the advent of Friendster, MySpace, and all of the mind litter social media apps that consumes our daily bowel movements—that many of you do not understand proper grammar, nor make an effort to know better anymore. I am embarrassed. Extraterrestrial life is watching us and laughing.

A Walmart-like inventory of inaccurate and misspelled data has taken over social media platforms, comment sections, and our collective human experience. It's becoming increasingly pathetic and embarrassing for me to remain connected to so many of you. Yes, I am embarrassed to know so many people who have forgotten grade school English (and arithmetic, for that matter). We—you—can do better.

My fourth-grade teacher, Sister Margaret Rose, advised my peasant class in 1964, "Know better and you will do better. Therein becomes the foundation for a good life.”

Sr. Rose would slap our hands with a yardstick if we practiced poor grammar, written and spoken. If we choosed to fail—and it is a choice—she would tie us to a chair, roll a magazine, and smack our heads with it until we understood proper English and arithmetic. It worked for me, it can work for you. This is how I became the most powerful man on the internet, as well as LORD and CEO of ALL in the YOU$A?? at DerbyReynolds.com. 

It's concerning to see grown adults in 2020 use poor grammar on the internet when information is freely available to teach yourself better. If you can learn how to stitch homemade socks, fix a toilet flange, and cook lentil bean casserole because of the internet, you can learn how to read and write. Hell—1 + 1 is not 3, it’s 2!

(I have faith in all of you—not really.)

Who am I talking to? All of you. Many of you are business leaders, politicians, and teachers. These humans are the most abusive suspects of the English language. It's pathetic.

A lawyer-friend recently pointed out to me (in defense of those who are legitimately illiterate) that I have to consider people who aren’t/weren’t lucky enough to be taught basic math and English. There’s a case for socioeconomics in this perspective—and I agree, but it’s also debatable when taking into account each of our experiences and perspectives to know better and do better.

My perspective is quite different than a socioeconomic approach. Every day I poop like all of you. I scroll through social media apps while pooping. I see and read the words of many privileged, lazy humans who are openly abusing the English language.

What's worse is that everyone seems to take great pride in the fact that they don’t read books and care to practice decent grammar. No one is correcting another when it comes to grammar, but we're quick to debate opinions versus facts. How about we start correcting each other's grammar?

I'm calling bullsh*t on the socioeconomic educated debate.

Impoverished people I know are some of the wisest, highly educated, and self-motivated humans I’ve met. The only thing socioeconomic about their situations is that they weren't born into, or inherited, a privileged, proud, wealthy mess to cover up their illiteracy and ignorance. Money fixes everything for idiots.

Most illiterate people I know of are privileged and lazy. They take great pride in poor grammar because they have money to cover up and excuse low aptitude and motivation to know and do better.

I pose this social concern: Have you no genuine concern for poor form and presentation? Have you no respect for human intellect and progress? Aren’t you worried about the children, the future, and what they’re learning from each of us? It's poor form—a terrible reflection on all of us.

I’d rather my employees and their children see/read me as being a grammar nazi (than grow up to allow and practice poor grammar). Many of you are teaching your kids to fail from the get-go without knowing better. My employees know better. We do not allow poor grammar at my company, therefor it is not allowed in their homes. Social diseases have many carriers, and the human race is on the verge of an intellectual plague!

Your words represent your voice. (Your name is debatable since each of us didn’t choose it—it can be legally changed if finding your voice doesn’t reflect your name.) If my words are coming off as too pushy—"grammar nazi," "a**hole," and "jerk" being the most used character attacks received for correcting poor grammar on the internet—it's because I expect better out of each of you. Many of you know better and choose not to do better. Weird, sad, pathetic. You're all proud about living out versions of Lil' Donnie Trumps? "SAD," to quote that tweeting turd of a man.

While we enter this new decade and say good riddance to the last, I made a promise to Gorak, Lord of the 6th Dimension, that I will go forth correcting each of you on the internet with regards to poor grammar. I will use the tactics taught by Sr. Rose in 4th grade—yardsticks and magazine slaps—combined with diatribes and memes to curve intellectual disintegration. Each of you is apt and capable of properly learning and utilizing "your," "you're," "to," "too," "two," "are," "our," "they're," "their," and "there.”

Each of us who knows the proper usage must correct and teach others. Correcting and teaching others to know and do better includes business executives, government leaders, the President, all three political parties, our family and friends, and any John and Jane who drops a turd-pile of words on the internet.

One of the most important and respectful aspects of being alive is having a voice to own and use carefully. Your voice represents your words and vice versa. Being sharp with thoughts, words, and actions is impressive. Not knowing the proper usage of these elementary words—"your," "you're," "to," "too," "two," "are," "our," "they're," "their," and "there"—is alarming.

Lastly, I say to all of you:

This path chose me, for I did not choose it. I will check back in to assess a collective report card about this social cause at the end of 2029. Go forth and correct a moron's grammar on the internet today—they can't help it, but we can!

You're welcome—or as grown adults say on the internet, "your welcome"—and know better to do better.

YOU$A??

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Lord Thomas Derby

CEO and LORD of ALL

Derby | Reynolds

derbyreynolds.com