To Knee or Not to Knee—Word Tools for Staying Classy

The words we use are incredibly powerful. Whether we are talking about the words that we use with ourselves; about ourselves, others, and the world around us; or, the words we choose when interacting with others. We have the power to inflame or comfort ourselves and each other by our word choices.

So much buzz has been made since last week’s events when NFL players took a knee during the National Anthem, in peaceful protest.  We have heard plenty in recent days about “taking a knee.” There’s a term for that (although many terms have been floating around), according to Merriam-Webster, the word genuflect means “to touch the knee to the floor or ground especially in worship.”  There is such a wide variety of reasons of why we would “take a knee.” During marriage proposals, for example, or when someone gets hurt on my child’s baseball field, the children take a knee out of respect while the adults further address the hurt child’s injuries. In fact the second part of the dictionary definition for genuflect is “to be humbly obedient or respectful.” Ironically, the words that have been exchanged to express opposing viewpoints regarding these recent acts have been anything but respectful in many social media interactions.  

Beyond social media, how have these differing opinions impacted discussions in your workplace? You know… that workplace, where many of us spend the majority of our time (more time than we spend anywhere else) with others that we didn’t necessarily choose to spend this excessive time with, in sometimes very close proximity. Unlike one’s Facebook wall where you have the power to delete or ignore comments with a mere click of a mouse, you can’t click off a co-worker. (There are consequences for “flicking one off” as well). One can argue that there is a mutual responsibility in the workplace for all to feel comfortable. Employees that have a sense of comfort when they enter the office, is not only beneficial on a personal level, but also good for business, as comfort most likely will breed creativity, engagement, and productivity.

In the words of Ron Burgundy from Anchorman, “stay classy” may be an important mantra, particularly in the workplace, but how? This article provides some concrete tools, as it highlights the power of words and how a little awareness may go a long way in the way you not only treat others, but in the way you treat yourself.

Dr. Albert Ellis, clinical psychologist and creator of what is now referred to as “Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT),” (a therapeutic approach and philosophy, developed in 1955) illuminated a very powerful concept. He emphasized that an event in and of itself is not what causes our stress or displeasure. Rather, it is what we tell ourselves about the events, which causes our disturbance.  

When you have a thought that includes the words: should, ought, must, always, never, need, and have to, you may want to, in the wise words of Ice Cube, “check yourself before you wreck yourself.” In my own way, I’ll break it down…

Should, ought, and must are all unrealistic demands. There is no proof, nor legal statute that dictates what you or others should, ought, or must think, support, encourage, etc.

Examples of these related thoughts may include but are not limited to “He shouldn’t have posted that.” “She shouldn’t have done that to me.” “They should have stood.” “You shouldn’t feel that way.” “They shouldn’t have done that.” When we have the “should” directed towards ourselves, like “I shouldn’t have done that,” or “I should have done better,” We can easily become depressed and despondent. When that “should” is directed towards other people, you just became the proud new holder of anger that may be causing you to see red. That is precisely why Albert Ellis cautioned others about “should’ing on ourselves and should’ing on others.” (He was viewed as having quite the potty-mouth back in the 1950s).

Ought and must are the same.  These unrealistic demands that you have no control over.  The REBT Network provides wonderful information that further explains the consequences of must. One of the main categories of “must” beliefs that can drive emotional disturbance and intolerance is the belief that: Other people must do "the right thing" or else they are no good and deserve to be punished.

So here is the “thing” about the “right thing.” What is the right thing? As this website outlines, this belief assumes a clear-cut difference between right and wrong. Let’s consider that when it comes to many of the current political arguments—whether it is healthcare or peaceful protests there may not be a right or wrong. There may not be an absolute answer to it all.

Let’s imagine for a minute what it would be like if we were able to truly listen with nonjudgmental responses to those that think differently than we do, and those that make choices of which we don’t necessarily agree.

Just because others do things that we don’t necessarily agree with, doesn’t make them wrong, or less than, or an idiot.

The coping strategy or tool that I’m underlining here, is moving ourselves away from holding unrealistic demands and to invite ourselves to focus on more realistic preferences.

For example: “I’d prefer that others think like me on this issue, but I have no control over it, and the world may be a boring place if we all thought the same. So I’m going to focus on listening to understand others’ viewpoints, without having to be influenced by them.” Let’s face it, opinions are like elbows (or insert other colorful analogies). Everyone has one.  

Always and Never—these concepts represent 100% guarantees, and very few things in life are 100%--they say death and taxes, but we can at least agree on death—truly the one absolute. Even when a frustrated and exasperated spouse says to themselves, “he never does ___” “she always ____,” a worthwhile challenge would be to come up with the exception. You are not about to win any arguments, or trigger a positive response when you are accusing someone of always or never doing something.

Need--The only thing we really need is oxygen. We may prefer to feel wanted, and we may prefer others to stand up for the same things that impassion us, but we don’t need it. When we tell ourselves we do, we can potentially react in some seemingly harsh ways because in the moment, it may feel like our survival is on the line—after all, we need them to do the “right thing” or “agree with us.” If we don’t get oxygen, we die.

Have to--”I have to deal with these issues,” “I have to bring my parent to the doctor.” “I have to go to this meeting.” I credit Jon Gordon for my introduction to this shift in thinking where he wisely encourages us to shift our have to mind sent to “I get to.” I get to do these things because I live in this country where we are free to have differing opinions. I get to question things. I get to wake up today, breathe, and experience what the day has in store.

In Summary…

Be Mindful of these:                                     Be Open to Inviting these:

Should, ought, must                                      I can accept what I don’t like.

Always/Never                                                  Find the exception.

Need                                                                    Prefer

Have to                                                               Get to

To me, staying classy means increasing frustration tolerance for those with differing opinions.  For those that have read my previous article, you know how fond I am of mnemonic devices, so I leave you with one for CLASSY:

Consider others’ viewpoints without personalizing them. Their views are a result of their experiences, influences, and wiring, as are yours.

Leave the unrealistic demands out of it and practice identifying more realistic preferences.

Accept the gray, recognizing that there may not be a right and wrong in this particular situation.

Show support by listening with nonjudgmental response—after all, we are closest to those that we feel do not judge us.

Share your opinions—you have a right just as others do. (Just like elbows).

Yes AND, which in improv and in life is about starting from an open minded, respectful place, and recognizing that openness leads to more creativity and progress with ideas that empowers others to add to the discussion.  For more on imrov, you may want to check out the great Tina Fey's Rules of Improv from her book Bossypants.

Whether you try to apply these in the workplace, on social media, or in any personal interactions, please feel free to share which ones, if any, worked best. What are your tools for staying classy?

About the Author: Michelle Pargman is an LMHC (Licensed Mental Health Counselor), wife, and mother who has worked in the EAP field since 1999. She provides counseling, work-site based support groups, and presentations for schools, community, and businesses on a variety of mental and emotional health and wellness related topics… (and is a psychology geek when it comes to her enthusiasm for Albert Ellis, whom she had the pleasure of meeting several years ago, along with her fondness for Corporate improv, Tina Fey, and her wonderful book Bossypants).