KINDNESS... PRACTICING THE ART OF BEING NICE

By Keith O'Neill Ph.D.

I was taught the virtues of kindness when I was in second grade. As a result, I’ve never had a problem starting up a conversation with people I don’t know, and have always enjoyed meeting new people and getting their opinions on just about anything. Sometimes, my curiosity has gotten me into trouble, but I realize that not only is it okay to be different and unique, it’s our differences that make life interesting. The statement “The more I learn, the less I know,” becomes truer with every person I meet and with every conversation I have. 

One day at the mall, I decided to take a poll, asking random people what was the main character quality they look for in a person. I was pleasantly surprised not only at their willingness to participate but at the thoughtfulness of their various answers. Humor was high on the list. However, humor is not a component of a person’s character, it’s a component of how one is perceived by others. Your reputation is how others see you, your character is who you truly are. Often, people will use humor to cover up negative feelings. The single most common quality people said they looked for in a friend or a mate, was kindness. They wanted to surround themselves with genuinely nice people. 

This didn’t come as much of a surprise to me. I recalled that one of the biggest complaints from some of the nicest guys I knew growing up, was that most women wanted to date bad boys and bad boys aren’t kind. This is true. And, one of the biggest complaints from some of the nicest women I know today is that their friends or mates aren’t nice to them, have become domineering, controlling, jealous, nasty, and sometimes downright abusive. Sadly, this is also. 

We’ve all heard the old adage that opposites attract, and in the case of magnets, that’s true. However, when it comes to relationships, differences between the people involved is very often the cause of the demise of the relationship. I say that ole adage isn’t an adage at all, it’s an old wives tale. Through my professional and my personal life, I have come to recognize commonality as an essential component to sustaining a healthy relationship. Almost without exception, the people I know who are in healthy and happy relationships are considerate of one another. They’re nice to each other. 

It is when people are unkind to each other that their relationships are in jeopardy. Generally, people will get tired of others treating them badly. Some will leave, yet some will stay because their self-esteem has been so diminished, or completely destroyed, by the criticisms and poor treatment of their friend or mate. Some will choose to remain in a horrible relationship because they don’t feel good about themselves. 

So, what does all this have to do with your children? If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, one event in children’s lives can have a profound effect on them for the rest of their lives. One statement or action can have either a powerfully positive or a devastating negative effect on them for their entire lives. So, let’s go back now, to when I was a second-grader. The teacher, Mrs. Peters, had implemented a buddy system to help the new kids acclimate more quickly to their new environment. Great program, in theory. 

I generally got along well with everyone. Then, there was Steve. He was new to the school and a bully determined to show how tough he was so he wouldn’t get picked on for being the new kid. Unfortunately, he and I were chosen to be buddies. We were as different as night and day and our personalities didn’t mix well. He simply wasn’t a nice kid, in fact, he was really quite mean. He would say things and do things to me, his so-called buddy, that really hurt my feelings. Inside, I wanted to tell Mrs. Peters that it wasn’t working out between Steve and me. However, I didn’t want to disappoint her or be accused of failing, so I hung tough. 

I lived right around the corner from school and enjoyed staying after school to play in the school playground with my friends, which we did almost every day. On the third day of being my buddy, Steve decided to stay after school, too. I was playing basketball with my friends and he jumped in and started to play. Reluctantly, my friends and I went along. At one point, the ball bounced off to the sideline. I went after the loose ball, Steve went after me, shoving me to the ground. I skinned my knee pretty badly. Everyone could see it hurt. He laughed. I wanted to cry but wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. I got up, wiped off my knee, and finished the game. I wasn’t going to allow myself to be bullied by him. Part of me wanted to prove I could take him and the other part wanted nothing to do with him. 

Walking home that afternoon, my elderly neighbor, Mrs. Ewald, noticed I was limping and that something was weighing heavily on my mind. She asked me why I was limping and more importantly, why I was so sad. I told her about Steve, the buddy program, and the basketball game. She told me how much she admired me for not giving up, and for not giving into his nastiness. She was proud of me for not sinking to his level. Amazing how the acknowledgment not only lightened my spirits, it made my knee feel better. “Treat people with kindness and you will get the same in return,” she said. “If you don’t, avoid them. If you choose nice kids to be your friends and stay away from the mean ones, you’ll feel better.” I thanked her and continued on home feeling much better. I decided to tell Mrs. Peters that I didn’t want to be Steve’s buddy. I didn’t want to be affected by Steve’s negativity. I felt it was okay to tell her that. It wasn’t a failure, it was a good choice. 

The next morning, when I went to school, I felt empowered and liberated. I went to speak to Mrs. Peters and she called Steve into the conversation. She suggested that he stop being so insecure and start practicing a little kindness. “Do you want to learn to make friends, or do you want to isolate yourself all your life?” she asked him. “Being nice to others is what will help you make new friends, not picking on them.” For a while, buddy or not, I avoided Steve as much as possible. Funny thing is Steve really got Mrs. Peter’s message. He started being nice to us and experienced the benefits of doing so. My friends and I dropped our guards when he came around him and let him earn trust. Boy, were we all shocked to find out Steve was really a likable kid. By trying too hard to fit in and not knowing how to go about it, he alienated everyone. When he discovered the magic of kindness, his friendships grew and all of our lives became better. 

I know that some people believe you can be too kind, and that’s when people will take advantage of you. Well remember this, people can only take advantage of you if you let them. Therefore, choose your relationships wisely. A person with a good heart doesn’t knowingly take advantage of others. In fact, they would avoid doing so at all costs. When choosing your friends or mates, pay close attention to their actions, because they will speak volumes to you. Kind people practice random acts of kindness. Kind people are considerate of others. If you choose to be kind, you will reap the rewards all throughout your life, as has Steve, still a friend to this day. Steve got the picture before it was too late for him. 

Do you want to develop healthy, happy relationships? Then, remember to treat others the way you want to be treated. They don’t call it the Golden Rule for nothing, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” Remember my opinion poll, when it comes to traits that others are looking for in a relationship, kindness is at the top of the list. So, what does all this have to do with your children? Your children are watching you, they learn from you, they emulate you. If you model a life filled with kindness, if they see you surrounding yourself with nice people, your children will do the same. And, you and they will be grateful every day of your lives, because for most people, treating others and being treated with kindness just feels better.

About the Author:

Keith O’Neill Ph.D., C.Ht is a father, coach, author, therapist, business consultant, and public speaker. Survivor of a life-threatening head injury, he had to learn to walk and talk all over again. He became fascinated with, and an ardent student of the incredible power of the mind. His combination of unique training, education, and life experience has contributed to his success in helping hundreds of people improve the quality of their lives for over 24 years. Learn more: https://www.theself-esteemcoach.com/about-keith

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