Kindness in the Job Search

I wasn’t supposed to be here.

Not “here” as in living – believe me, I’m reasonably sure the spirits have a TV channel dedicated to watching me when they are feeling down. I try to provide humor on all levels.

What I mean when I say here is my current job. I was supposed to be somewhere else, working a totally different operation, and being with entirely different people.

Three years ago, I had moved to Boise with my family. It was another duty station due to my husband’s military career, and I left a promising career as a photographer behind. I was able to land a temporary job that turned into almost a years worth of work. I was told the situation would become permanent after a while and I waited for my opportunity. Once the moment had arrived, I applied, interviewed, and ...

I didn’t get it.

Now, please keep in mind I had been in this position for a YEAR, and I was interviewing for a job I already did. I had the qualifications, the education, the certifications, and the time needed to be there. It should have been a no brainer. Hell, people would even come by my desk and wink at me, letting me know that they had complete confidence I got the job. Boy, if only the spirits had turned my channel on then – they would have had the popcorn ready.

Shame is such a powerful thing. It consumes you, like water and breath and drowning – slowly.

I felt ashamed. I felt like I was nothing and all the things I worked for and pursued to be did not matter. I didn’t matter. My logic was simple. If I couldn’t get the job I was already in, then what job could I do? What was my worth if what I have is not worthy?

Who got the job then? Was it someone more qualified with better jokes and a greater personality? In a way, yes. She is fantastic, and I don’t say that lightly. Looking at where she is now, in that job – my job – she is doing a way better job than I ever did. They chose correctly.

And to be honest, I was miserable there. Every day it felt like a small piece of me was dying and I was fading away. I was becoming static for a career.

So, what do you do when your professional life breaks?

How was I supposed to recover when I had nothing to recover to?

I treated my competition with kindness.

Look, anyone who tells you that kindness is easy as never had to be kind when it counted. When their life is falling apart, and every voice in their head is telling them they are a failure. Kindness – true, unselfish – no-I-don’t-want-anything-in-return kindness can knock you out. Kindness – where you genuinely hope for the best for your competition even though you are dying inside, hits you in the gut of your soul. It is draining.

Don’t get me wrong. I had known I had choices. I could walk out, refuse to train her, tell the boss to go to hell – you name it. No one would have blamed me. It would have been the natural thing to do and I have heard it so many times from peers and supervisors, “If they think I’m training someone after this, they have another thing coming.”

Kindness for me was training her in my job. Kindness involved taking her out to lunch when I wish my supervisor would have done the same. Kindness was being patient and answering questions. Kindness was going to the bathroom – crying because it hurt so much – and coming back, ready to start again. I wasn’t just trying to be kind. I was trying to wish her the best from the bottom of a very broken heart. Kindness was breathing through emails from peers in other departments that were angry I didn’t get the position and replying back; it’s ok. She is awesome and will be great (because she really is).

Why am I telling this story?

Kindness is going to get you through this job search.

I applied for many jobs after that. Each time I got a rejection letter or a no, it would validate my fears that I wasn’t good enough. The more I applied for, the more shame I felt. It was a sticky downward spiral.

One day though, I received a call for a job interview.

HELL YES.

I was so ready. I watched YouTube videos for days trying to prepare for my interview. I researched the company and knew the ins and outs of their mission and operations. I needed to nail this.

The interview went great. We laughed, and they said I would be hearing from them by the end of the week. Perfect. I got this.

Yeah, …about that. I came in second for the job but got beaten out by the competition.

I don’t have this. I suck.

I went through several other job interviews after that and the same reaction. “You were great, but we decided to go with another candidate.” Cool. No Doubt.

I remember sitting in my office one night thinking that I could go back to be a coffee barista again (I rocked that in my early 20s), and everything would be ok.

Then I remembered what I used to do in the early days of my marriage when my husband would drive me crazy. I would say how thankful I was for his craziness. I was thankful that he didn’t like his socks being touched. I was thankful that he liked canned vegetables at dinner. I was thankful that he got pretty annoyed if I didn’t clean out the car after using it (really annoying). I was thankful he liked the bed made in the morning. After a while, all my thankful – though sarcastic – became real. I was actually thankful for who he was.

So I decided to be kind and wish my competition well.

I would wish them well at their jobs throughout my day. I would say small things like, “I hope they make friends at work” and “I bet they are going to rock that presentation” and “I know their families must be happy they have a paycheck coming in.” Things like this.

When I finally went for the interview for the company I work for now, I felt pumped. I was ok with whatever the come was going to be. I wanted the best person for the job. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t going do terrible at my interview, being kind doesn’t involve being a doormat, but I wasn’t going to NOT wish my competition well. I was going in with the best hope for all parties involved.

I think kindness helped me be my most authentic self in the interview.

When I got the call that I got the job I jumped! I was so happy and I have BEEN happy here. Yes, there have been stressful days and days I just want to go back to bed, but I never felt like static here. I always felt valued.

You are going to go through job interviews and have rejections. It’s a competition, after all, for talent, money, and position. However, what you do with your moments of rejection define you. You can either get mad and ashamed or you can wish your competition well and move on. You can be kind. You can be happy for others. You can be kind to yourself too. What you put out does come back to you – it just may not be in a form you ever expected. Who knows, maybe the spirits will turn on to your channel and see how you treat others. Kindness is not weakness. Kindness connects us. Kindness allows you to forgive yourself when you don’t get the job. It’s a release and it’s powerful. Kindness makes you strong.

You are strong.

You are talented.

You are kind.

You got this.