Kindness doesn't cost anything

May 2015. I had been working my socks off on the essay that carried the most weight towards the final marks in my masters in clinical neuroscience. My head was spinning on deadline day and I ended up submitting it to TurnItIn ten minutes short of 2 hours late. I emailed my module tutor, who happened to be the professor in charge of the course at the time, to let her know that I was late submitting and to apologise for it. Her reply got stuck in my head to the point that I can see her email vividly right now: "Sadly you've missed the deadline, so your work will be capped at 50%". I got an 82% in that assignment, the second highest in my class. But my work did get capped at 50% which meant my average marks for the whole masters didn't make it to the distinction grate by 0.78%, so I got a merit instead.

I had always known that my brain was a bit quirky (and actually quite liked that), but at the time I felt as though my thoughts were written in bits of paper that were caught inside a wind tunnel. It was very difficult for me to concentrate on any particular task unless I was hyperfocusing on them, which meant that I forgot about everything else. I always struggled with deadlines, but thinking of them had became terrifying to the point that I would freeze on the days preceding submissions, getting incredible anxiety and having problems sleeping. Someone mentioned I might be ADHD and I remember looking into being assessed at the time, but it felt too scary, so I didn't go for it. I just assumed I was going through a rough patch. But working full time whilst having to trek down to a university that was 2 hours from me 3 times a week (yes, that was 4 hours of travel on top of my working day) put me under a huge amount of pressure. To top it all up, a family member was experiencing mental health issues and that was also quite distressing. All of this meant that I had to request 4 extensions on my assignments. The process of asking for an extension was painful and made me feel as if I was committing a crime, even though I was only asking for an extra day or two to submit. No one ever asked if I was OK, or if I needed any support. It all felt very sterile and lacking a human touch.

The stress I was experiencing made me fall ill, so when it came to my dissertation, I had to request a 2-week extension. I got a letter from my doctor confirming that I had a chest infection. This was late June, so obviously my immune system was buggered. I didn't even get a "hope you feel better soon" email from my tutor. Just an acknowledgement that my request had gone in.

Suddenly it all made sense

July 2021. After experiencing what felt like burnout, I got diagnosed with combined ADHD (but mostly inattentive) with underlying anxiety, which triggered a whirlwind of emotions including relief, happiness, and gratitude. On one hand, everything I had every experienced since I was a child made absolute sense. On the other, I felt anger at some of the situations. And the phrase "sadly you've missed the deadline" really made my blood boil. It was stuck in my head, so I decided to get in touch with my ex-tutor to let them know why I had missed the deadline back in 2015 and to ask what I could do or who I should get in touch with in order to see if they could take my diagnosis into account now and correct my marks.

I get read receipts on my email, so I knew she'd read my message but I didn't get an answer. She probably thought I was just trying to cause trouble. Two weeks later, I contacted the learning support department at the university, forwarding the email that I had sent to her. I got an instant response saying that it wasn't her fault I felt like that. She also said that I should be kinder to the academics and not accuse them of failing me because their job is not to identify when people have issues with mental health. Quite incredibly (and insensitively!) she went on to say that she once missed out on getting a grant because she was late submitting the application. I was in disbelief that she not once had said she was sorry to read that I was dealing with extreme anxiety, coping with a terrifying mental state, undiagnosed ADHD, and having someone close to me who was battling with depression. I was even more in disbelief that this was a neuroscientist!! Her email was incredibly defensive, insinuating that I was bringing all these things up in order to damage her reputation and that of the department... The reality is that she had not bothered to ask me if I was OK, even though she'd sat at review boards where she discussed the progress of students with the other academics in her team. None of them ever bothered to think "here's a mature student who has asked for 4 extensions, one with a letter from his doctor. Shall we ask him if he is OK?". It was highly disappointing that she felt it was more important to throw the "it wasn't her fault" at me than to acknowledge my pain.

A trigger for change

Disappointment is a dreadful feeling, but it can also make you want to do things differently. The lady from the learning support department was polite but it was clear from her tone that she didn't want to be involved. I think she also thought I was a trouble maker and that I was putting things in writing so that I could sue the university, or something like that. What I want to know was simply whether the university had a policy on supporting students with ADHD, either diagnosed or suspected. After a few emails, she said that they didn't, but that they did have a policy for dyslexia support and that I shouldn't preoccupy myself with those matters. I should rest assured that all students at Roehampton University get the care they needed. At this point I didn't have the energy to reply and say that obviously that was not correct, because I didn't get the care I needed. Indeed no one seemed to care at all about my state of mind. I felt as though I was just a number, paying my tuition fees to get a degree. That was it. There was no humanness in that transaction. And that felt disappointing.

Championing neurodiversity

Fast-forward to 5th September 2021, the day I submitted my doctoral thesis on the gut microbiome and mental health to the School of Health and Education at Middlesex University, featuring insights from the perspective of a neurodivergent brain throughout. I cocked up the table of contents on my TurnItIn submission, but I was able to sort it out with the Research Degrees Admin office without any fuss at all. A world apart from my experience in 2014-2016, I thought!! Even my other half said to me "imagine trying to sort that out at Roehampton!!! ?? I'm happy I can laugh at it now, despite how traumatic the experience was. Writing is therapeutic, as I actually argue in my thesis. But I am not sharing my story with you just to get it off my chest. I am hoping to help others who have experienced similar situations.

So today, apart from feeling accomplished for having managed to focus on something for 5 years solid, I also feel grateful to members of the transdisciplinary doctorates faculty at Middlesex University for their kindness and sensitivity to the requirements of mature students. Whether neurodivergent or neurotypical, we're a different breed. We have 100 plates spinning alongside our studies, and life can get in the way sometimes. And if you add an undiagnosed neurological condition to the mix, that can be tricky. I also feel grateful to those people from Roehampton who made me realise of the importance of caring for those around you at work or at university. Asking if someone is OK and taking an interest in their personal narrative isn't all that difficult, but I understand that sometimes we can be too wrapped up in ourselves to see that others around us may need our help. That doesn't make them bad people either, so I can't be angry with them. Things sometimes require a tiny bit of change in every one of us so that collectively the perception of something is altered. I feel positive that we'll get there in the future...

I still have my viva to do, but one of the motivations topping my priority list as soon as I become "Dr Miguel" is to champion neurodiversity in academia and in the workplace. I would love to help put policies in place so that people who experience situations like mine don't have to feel terrible for missing a deadline by 1 hour, and to promote understanding of the fact we're all different, and that there's richness and beauty in that diversity.