The kindness of clear communication: a lesson I learned

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Early in my time as a management consultant, I found myself in a very awkward

situation.?

I was managing my very first project—a big milestone!—and I was loving the work. Suddenly, I learned that I had been staffed on a second project at the same time. I would have happily worked on either engagement, but managing each project was a full-time job.?

I had to choose.?

The leaders of the second project really wanted me to leave the first project—theirs was an important engagement and I’d worked on the pitch to help us win it. But it seemed wrong to me to leave the first client in the lurch, and I didn’t want to mess up the first project I’d been entrusted with. There was no easy answer.?

So I had a conversation with a mentor that has stayed with me. As I floundered to him about what to do, he gently stopped me and said, “Caroline, what do you want to do? If you tell me what you want, I can help you resolve this. But if you don’t, I can’t.”

It was transformational to hear him say this—like fog clearing. My mentor’s simple yet powerful question pushed me to acknowledge that I wasn’t being clear, and this lack of clarity wasn’t helping anyone—not me, nor my bosses, nor my clients.?

In fact, it was unkind. Uncertainty is inherently stressful and tiring for the average human brain. That’s why research has found that people generally prefer a sure outcome that’s less good over a better outcome that’s not certain, a phenomenon called uncertainty aversion.?

(I’ll share more about how I resolved my awkward situation? with my personal email list later this week, and I’d love to send it to you if you’re interested—you can sign up here.)

3 practices to routinely communicate clearly

This “uncertainty aversion” means that your clarity is a gift to yourself and to others. It’s less tiring and taxing than dealing with uncertainty, and it allows everyone to move forward. And accepting the temporary discomfort that your decision may disappoint someone is often part of being an effective manager, employee, friend and family member.?

Since that enlightening conversation with my mentor, I’ve followed these practices to keep me accountable to being clear as routinely as possible. I hope they help you, too:

1. Set clear scheduling boundaries

Be clear about when you are free to meet. Sometimes we’re wary of doing this because we worry people will be disappointed we’re not available right away. But being clear when you’re available is a good substitute for being available right now. And it’s FAR better than not responding while you agonize over a request that falls outside your scheduling boundaries. By the way, it feels better on both sides if you lead with what you can do, not what you can’t do. “I can meet any time after 11” rather than “I can’t meet before 11.”

2. Don’t leave? decisions hanging?

In professional life, we often have to make decisions that won’t please everyone. I’d invite you to commit to a personal rule: don’t leave people hanging once you’ve made the choice. Tell them where you’ve landed, and why, so that you can both benefit from the calm that comes from clarity. And if you’re putting off sending an email because you need more information or time to make the decision, give them this update rather than leaving them guessing.

3. Pair firmness with flexibility

If you’re in discussion with other people on what to do about a topic, be clear where you’re flexible, and be clear where you have a definite preference or perspective. It often feels easier to state our views clearly if we are equally crisp about the things where we don’t mind what happens. For example, “I’d like to see an early draft by the end of the week - but I don’t mind what format it’s in. Bullet points, dummy slides, you decide what works best.”

Clarity: a gift that keeps giving

Being clear about what you can do—even if it’s not exactly what people would like—is the best alternative to giving people what they want. And being clear about what you would like, even if it’s not aligned with other people’s preferences, is better than quietly leaving people to wonder and worry.?

And the payoff to potential short-term discomfort? In my experience, there’s a good chance you’ll find that cultivating the habit of clarity accelerates your career. It shows your colleagues that you know how to manage your most vital resources: your attention, energy and time.

– Caroline

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