With kids or without – the struggle can still be real

Guest Editor: Rebecca D'Arcy- Howard

Some of us have kids. Some of us don't. For those that don't, it could be a result of choice or circumstance. Finances or biology. It might be a source of great disappointment, or significant relief.

So how come women are still being asked why they've not procreated yet, or told that life can be neither complete, nor a struggle, without kids? 'He is the best thing in my life, of course, I wouldn't be without him, but everything is so much harder than when I was childless'. The very word 'childless' feels so loaded, so negative. And no one needs to be questioned about their reproductive ambitions while having a blow-dry. Oh, and by the way, while we are at it - being told your only child needs a sibling is also spectacularly unhelpful.

At a recent networking event, a friend was saddened to hear one woman ask if any of the speakers were mums because, she reasoned, 'I won't have anything to learn from them if they don't know the struggle'. Bridging the widening gaps in friendships when some start to experience parenthood and others don't can be really hard, but this statement seemed so reductive. It suggests a sort of 'them' and 'us' scenario which can have no upside. Life is full of challenges and joys. Surely this is the case for most people whether they are parents or not?

The most common struggles associated with motherhood are well known. Tiredness, childcare costs, career navigation, no social evenings to speak of, endless, endless mess. Speaking from personal experience, these are valid - and then some. I can add the unexpected addition of hearing loss from pregnancy (yes, I kid you not). But what about the sheer alienation of being a woman without children, approaching or passing child-bearing age, in a culture where the majority of your peers have young families and debate local school options over dinner? Or at work, never feeling you can say you should be allowed to have Christmas off this year because one of the mums in your team wants it and having children means she gets priority. Again. Being a woman of a certain age potentially sees you judged in the workplace or passed over for roles because the assumption is made that you might abandon ship to have a baby – even though the reality may be quite different. And what about being expected to pick up on the caring duties and financial management of ageing parents that a sibling with kids might not have the time for?

I have kids. Some of my friends don't. I know some of the detail of each person's situation and I don't think I assume that those of us who are parents have a tougher time. I recognise that having a spouse gives me more financial freedoms and I consider my children a blessing – albeit one I resent from time to time. I largely enjoy outings to kids' shows, planning birthday parties and drinking with friends at weekends over lunch rather than dinner (early to bed and no hangover!) while the kids run around together. That said, I'm clenching my buttocks waiting for us to be entitled to subsided childcare hours and I'll be cracking out the Tena lady before my 40th birthday, while navigating the periodic identity crisis that motherhood can bring.

That one comment at the panel event has definitely given me pause. Maybe we could all do to remember that, with kids or without, the struggle can still be real