Kids and Technology: Finding the Balance Between being Online and Offline

Let’s admit it: screen time and digital devices are sort of digital pacifiers – a way to soothe, entertain, and manage tantrums, emotional distress, and behavioral issues in children. We see it all too often: a child, as young as one or two, in a stroller with a neat attachment that holds a device to capture the child’s attention, which often times work! Given that so much of our lives are connected to digital devices, it’s no wonder why we’re seeing this trickle-down and ripple effect on kids’ usage and dependency on electronics.

The behavior is modeled almost everywhere we go. These devices give us unlimited access to the world.?Smartphones, laptops, and tablets provide gateways to a multitude of resources that adapts to each user’s habits and so much more.

We’re able to outsource many individual responsibilities with a click of a button.

It’s quite amazing! It makes sense that it has become a normal part of the arsenal of parenting tactics for many parents.

So, why are so many parents worried?

What consequences are we seeing in excessive screen time?

How much is too much?

And how do we even begin to set limits?

Start with Overall Health

Research has shown that excessive screen time could be?linked to mental health problems like anxiety and depression. I come across this issue very often in my mental health practice with children and families and it’s always important to identify one important factor: level of impairment in specific life domains.?

When a parent tells me that their child is “always on the phone” or “always playing video games,” I determine how much is too much. So how do I begin??Like most problems, I want to see IF the perceived problem is significantly and consistently interfering with one’s ability to engage in their daily responsibilities and activities important for a healthy lifestyle, such as sleep, exercise, diet, work/school, and relationships.

So, the idea is to start with a Wellness Checklist – a list of items that you perceive to be essential to your child’s healthy development and success.

Some sample questions you can ask yourself about your child to create a list:

• Are they engaged in school and schoolwork?
• Do they have healthy peer relationships? Or are they constantly isolated in their rooms, scrolling through social media?
• Are they contributing and being helpful at home?
• Is their self-esteem dominantly invested and dependent on “likes, followers, views” on social media?
• Do they invest in age-appropriate level of exercise for healthy development?
• Are they getting adequate sleep?
• Are they eating well?
• Do they have other passions and activities that matter to them outside from digital devices?

You get the gist – if a child is managing these areas of life, it’s not too big of a deal if they choose to play video games over the weekend. However, most of the kids I work with do use digital devices to a level that does interfere with important life domains – e.g. number one example is using devices while at school or while doing homework and using devices while in bed which interferes with their sleep.

I encourage most of the parents or caretakers to focus on quality of life and overall wellness because it’s not so much excessive screen “time” but more so the healthy behaviors that excessive screen time infringes on.

it’s not so much excessive screen “time” but more so the healthy behaviors that excessive screen time infringes on.

Not All Screen Time is Created Equal

Let’s get something straight, not all screen time is “bad.” You might not make the same conclusion about a child listening to an educational Podcast, video calling with a relative, or using an app to geocache with their friends. There is a way to have a healthy relationship with technology. And it’s absolutely unrealistic to void all digital devices.

I always tell the parents and caregivers I work with in practice, “Do not set rules and limits that you, yourself, are not willing to abide by.” Many kids I speak to in private will tell me that their parents are “hypocrites” and setting “unfair” rules that are not modeled.

Even if you think your kids do not see your inconsistencies, hold yourself accountable – chances are, they NOTICE.

Even if you are trying to be sneaky, like using your phone in the bathroom (which, as funny and common as it has become, is problem in itself – more info here). And plus – you wouldn’t want to model sneaky behaviors!

So, take the “just like me” approach, which is – being more compassionate and empathetic towards the child, knowing that they face similar struggles as you when it comes to changing habits and setting limits. With that in mind, it’s important to develop a practice and routine around screen time.

Take the “just like me” approach, which is – being more compassionate and empathetic towards the child, knowing that they face similar struggles as you when it comes to changing habits and setting limits.

Some Guidelines for Healthy Development in a Digital Age

1. It’s okay to use screen time as an incentive for good behaviors (vs taking away screen time) – I use this method often – a child has the opportunity to earn extra screen time based on doing a clearly defined, desired behavior as agreed upon or identified with parents. And if they don’t, they neither lose or earn screen time. Once they have earned it, they can learn how to “cash it in” and/or “ration” their time. This is part of positive reinforcement in PMT?(Parent Management Training).
2. Prioritize an appreciation towards healthy, offline interactive play and alternative activities (e.g. hiking, going to the park, doing puzzles, arts and crafts, cooking/baking, building things, etc.).
3. Encourage critical thinking and digital literacy – to discern credible sources of information from “fake” news and opinions on social media.
4. Watch, play and use electronic devices with your child when possible
5. Establish designated tech zones and tech-free zones/times of day – such as dinner time or bedtime.
6. Explain “good” use and “bad” use – appropriate and inappropriate use – e.g. sexting, cyberbullying, sharing personal info online.
7. Use parental block or filtering systems for the internet.
8. Find teaching and learning opportunities to discuss, process, and educate what they are consuming.
9. Most importantly, deliberately model healthy screen time behaviors.

Final Message – Be Compassionate with Yourself!

Technology is a part of our culture. It’s not going away. So, take it easy. One of the most important things I emphasize with parents/caregivers is SELF-CARE. You will always be more emotionally available, stable, less reactive and calm when you take care of yourself.

It’s normal for kids to push back against new rules. But eventually, they will adjust. While it’s important to keep the rule consistent in the beginning stages, you might have to make exceptions sometimes once it’s established. That’s okay! If giving kids extra screen time once in a while helps you take care of yourself or get other things done, it’s not a big deal.

The human brain is malleable – a phenomenon called neuroplasticity – the ability for the brain to modify itself through learning and engaging in challenging, new, and important stimuli. Therefore, it’s important to set healthy limits with screen time and balancing it with offline, unplugged activities. Digital devices can connect us with a wonderful plethora of unlimited resources, but can also easily disconnect us from life in the here and now.

It’s a constant dance that you will need to learn to master with your kids. Let’s introduce technology to kids with guidelines and principles, without letting it be the overriding authority over their own creative minds.

About the Author

Albert Nguyen, LCSW, PPSC is a seasoned psychotherapist dedicated to enhancing mental wellness through Optimind Counseling. Specializing in anxiety, depression, and peak performance, Albert offers an eclectic and integrative approach tailored for children, teens, and adults.

Discover transformative mental health care and start your journey to well-being. Connect with Albert for a personalized path to mental wellness here.

Looking to learn more about mental health? Listen to our Podcast, Mind Manners, where we dive deep into exploring interventions, research and give unique insights into the mental realm. Click on some related topics to listen on Apple Podcast:

• Rebalancing your Life in the Age of Distractions
• Get More Exercise for Better Mental Health