Kids and Other "Irrational Negotiators" - A Holiday Special

They say people engage in an average of 2–10 negotiations per day. This must exclude parenting and holiday family gatherings. For those, we probably have to add a "0" or two.

Once you have little negotiators in your house, everything from putting on pants to eating lunch to leaving the house becomes a negotiation (read to the end for my favorite comedian clip on that).

My kids are now 3 and 1. They both started negotiating when they were around 9 months old ("I am NOT eating my breakfast, I want yours—points and shouts").

As I am heading into a 3-week "break from work" (spoiler alert, it isn't; see my Out-of-Office below), I thought I'd summarize what I have learned so far about how to negotiate with children and other "reasonable" family members.

I must note that there won't be any negotiation classes dedicated to parenting at the Negotiation Academy anytime soon. In fact, if you see a good one, sign me up!

But here is what I have learned so far about what a seasoned negotiator can use as a novice parent. ?

Let's assume?

Imagine you had a big fight with your mum or dad. Now you are home, telling your spouse all about it. They try various ways to help. How would you feel about each of these attempts:

• Defend the other side: "I can understand their reaction.. I mean, you have to consider that they are old now and from a different time.."
• Pity: "Oh no, you poor thing. These parents always.."
• Question: "Why did you say that to her if you know she is sensitive about it?"
• Advice: "Maybe you should call and apologize."
• Diminishing: "Oh, don’t be so upset. You are overreacting. It's not that bad."
• Own experience: "Oh yes, I also had a bad fight with my mum the other day. She told me that…"

Do you recognize these in your environment?

Do any of these make you feel better?

I am going to assume your answer is "No".

What would make you feel better?

How about an empathetic response: "Oh gosh, that does sound like a horrible fight. And it must have come at the worst time when you were already exhausted from the long weekend with the kids and guests."

Better?

Most of us grow up having our feelings denied.

It's the small things we were told.

• "It's not a big deal!"
• "You are a big boy now."
• "You are just tired."
• "Don't make such a big drama out of it."
• "You are acting like a baby."
• "Look how brave your little sister is."

?

Sound familiar?

Yes for me.

Does it work to help calm down kids (or anyone for that matter)?

No, ma'am.

Enter a negotiator strategy for meltdowns, tantrums, and everything in between:

Acknowledge, don't diminish?

Here is one bit of advice we give for dealing with difficult negotiation counterparts. But brace yourself. It's a tough one.

?No one gets up in the morning thinking, "Today I will be completely irrational." Everybody ALWAYS makes sense to themselves. ?

Yes. Always.

"But surely not this XXX person."

Yes. Everyone!

I know. I told you this was hard to believe.

But it is true. People always make sense for themselves. So do kids. Just that they are little aliens who don’t yet know how things work around here on this planet.

Here is where our power comes in. No matter if we are with irrational seeming adults or kids.?Our ONLY power is to try and see how what they are doing makes sense for them.

Because here is the problem: The moment you write them off as “irrational,” you have given away all power to change the situation.

So when you find yourself getting triggered into thinking "This person is totally irrational," ask yourself this: "How does what this person is doing/thinking make sense to them? What information am I missing so that I don’t feel like it is making sense?"

Here is the 4 part formula I have put together for myself when it comes to my toddlers.

Enter the LSAT model

I use the LSAT model (such as a lawyer, I know).

It stands for Listen, Sympathize, Acknowledge, and Talk Alternatives.

In the past 24 hours, my kids threw a fit because ..

• they wanted that orange juice right now;
• they wanted to keep banging on the sofa table;
• they didn't want to go to school;
• they wanted to be carried all the way home (at 20kgs..).

Strong-willed communicators as they are, they often land on the floor, making sure those wishes are heard by everyone in a one-mile radius.

Enter LSAT:

1. Listen (don't interrupt, diminish, or offer explanations, etc, see above)
2. Sympathize: Verbalize to them why they are upset. It's counterintuitive, but try! You might add your own feelings about it. "Oh, you really want that orange juice now?" "I also really like Orange Juice."
3. Acknowledge: Find a word to describe the feeling. "That must be frustrating." "You look like you are really angry."
4. Talk Alternatives: Give them two other options of what to do now. "Would you like to walk to school or sit in the pram?"

Put together, this sounds something like this (imagine a 3-year-old who has thrown themselves on the floor and shouts off the top of their lungs)

"Oh, you really want that Orange Juice now, don’t you? Orange Juice is so yummy. Do you really like Orange Juice, ha? I also really like Orange Juice. Shall we have one after lunch? Would you like the one with pulp or the one without?"

"You are upset that mummy told you not to bang on the table. You really want to bang on the table, hm? The sound is fun. It's frustrating when we have to stop doing something that is fun. I see you like to bang something and make a noise. Would you like to play with your piano in your room, or take the tennis racket and go down and hit some balls?

"You are upset that Papa didn't carry you home. I know, it's so nice being carried. I would love to be carried too. All day would be best!! :) Isn't it comfortable to hang over someone's shoulder? (looks up and nods) Would you like me to pick you up and hang over my shoulder on the sofa a little, or would you like to get a big snuggle from Papa?"

"You don't want to go to school today ha? We are having so much fun playing cars at home. I also want to keep playing. It's frustrating when we have to stop doing something we enjoy. We should play again when you get back. For now, do you want to have Bananas or Dragon fruit for your lunch box at school today?"

I am still a novice at this parenting game but the difference I've seen between saying these things and "No, you can't have an orange juice now we are having lunch first", "We can't carry you, you are too heavy", "Don't bang on the table it's too loud" and "But you have to go to school" is tremendous!

It seems to me, that the default we have been shown, taught, and programmed to do - talk down the feeling, explain, rationalize, tell kids what to do - just leads to kids starting out being frustrated about the situation and end up being frustrated with parents.

Like in negotiations, when feelings are denied, parties become hostile.

Age doesn't matter.

The language will change. The underlying concepts don't.

If you have kids (big or small :D), I am curious for you to try out LSAT!

Please make sure to let me know how it went and what other things you have discovered that work. I am all ears!?

Happy Negotiation Bootcamp, aka Holidays, everyone!

See you on the other side.

Claudia

PS: As promised, here is my favorite comedy piece on negotiating with kids by Michael McIntyre.

PPS: And a book recommendation: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

PPPS: Find this helpful? Send this link to your friends to sign up for negotiation nuggets.

? 2023 The Negotiation Academy LLC

www.necademy.com

?

?