Kick Arrogance to the Curb: Be the right kind of Big Talker

I trained with a Big Talker this weekend at my gym. You've met guys like this. He's the kind of dude who shows up with every possible piece of high-end powerlifting equipment, special headphones, compression socks, talking about his pedigree as an amazing lifter.

Boy, he had some big stories about strong people he's seen and met, and he was all about sharing those experiences.

He's probably a big fish in a small pond at his home gym. But the trouble was that this guy didn't know whose gym he was walking into.

My coach is the five-time winner of Colorado's Strongest Man and a sponsored strongman athlete. I'm 2020's Utah's Strongest Woman. While weightlifting isn't our profession (yet), it's the focus of a lot of our efforts.

The lifting session went as you'd expect. My coach and I let Big Talker (BT) have his moments to brag and boast. Then the iron started talking. We loaded up the deadlift bar with 135 lbs, then 225 lbs, and then 315 lbs, and BT was lifting pretty successfully. Then we started hitting Big Boy Weights of 350 lbs+, and suddenly he wasn't so chatty.

When we loaded up 365 lbs, BT confidently approached the bar, did a powerlifting setup, and grabbed the weight with determination. He tried once and couldn't pick it up. He tried twice and couldn't pick it up. After a third try, he kind of slunk back into the corner, while my coach and I pushed ahead deep into 400 lb+ territory.

Side note: It's a particularly delicious day when, as a woman, you encounter someone like BT, rep his max three times and then outlift him by 70+ pounds. I don't train exclusively to put people in their place, but I do really, really love it when people underestimate me.

The effect of the Big Talker on a group

We all encounter Big Talkers. In social and professional settings, these folks suck all the air out of the room. Everything's a competition that's set up specifically for them to win. Every failure comes with an excuse instead of an admission of personal responsibility. They protect their ego at all costs.

Can't lift more than the other athletes? Well, at least I've met all the strongmen.

Can't meet sales quota? It's the company's fault; I was an all-star on my last team.

Can't catch the touchdown-winning pass? You should have seen me in high school, though. I just didn't sleep well last night.

I can almost feel the collective eye-roll from everyone reading this article.

When a Big Talker comes into our gym, we all circle the wagons and make moves to excise them from the group. Most serious athletes are in the "put up or shut up" camp, and we're not in the habit of entertaining braggadocious types.

The entrance of a Big Talker into the group can have effects including:

• Dismissal of legitimate ideas from everyone in the group, including the Talker,
• Additional Talkers stepping up to protect their ideas and interests,
• Increased volume and anxiety as everyone believes they aren't being heard.

If one bad apple spoils the bunch, then one Big Talker sours the team.

How to project confidence without being "that guy"

There's a definite difference between confidence and arrogance. Believing that you are capable makes you confident; believing that you're better than others makes you arrogant.

Confident people are magnetic in their self-assurance. Being around them is like basking in the warm sun; we all want their attention because it feels like magic.

Arrogant people just irritate us. They leave us drained and grumpy. No matter how accomplished they are, we don't seek them out as mentors, teammates or friends. We tolerate them and move on with our days.

What's that "x" factor that differentiates a confident person from an arrogant person? It boils down to comparison and competition.

Truly confident people don't chase their goals for others or at the expense of others. In fact, other people hardly factor into the equation. Confident people are just out there, living their best life, finding their passion and making things happen. They are secure in their identity and their path, even if they don't see every step before they take it. Confident people win because of their passion for the pursuit, not because they want to see other people lose.

Arrogant people are constantly comparing and competing against others. They are not secure in their identity. Their boisterous Big Talking is designed to hide what they see as fatal flaws. They're trying to convince you that they're great because they haven't yet convinced themselves that they're great. Arrogant people win sometimes, too, but their motives are different and their victories often turn to ash in their mouths.

We're all guilty of being both confident and arrogant, depending on the time, place, situation. My personal goal is to skew the balance toward confidence and away from arrogance.

I do this by making sure that my personal goals belong to me and are not set by anyone else.

Stay hungry, stay humble

Teddy Roosevelt is famous for saying, "Speak softly and carry a big stick."

As a confident person, you get to determine the size of your stick. As a confident weightlifter, I get to determine how much time, training and energy I'm going to dedicate to my craft. I see my muscles and totals grow as each day passes. I am constantly asking myself:

• Am I going to do what it takes to build my strength toward my goals?
• Am I going to show up and execute the plan, even when it's really difficult?
• Am I going to train to win against myself everyday, or am I going to compare myself to others?

Arrogance is easier. All I'd have to do is build an idealized version of myself in my head and make excuses when I don't perform.

Can you be successful as a big talker? Absolutely.

The success that comes with being a Big Talker is hollow. It simply seeks to maintain an image of a person that never existed in the first place, whereas a confident person lays down their personal capabilities, brick by brick. It's a matter of starting from a flimsy pedestal at the top v. starting from the bottom and building that strong foundation.

Being the right kind of Big Talker

These days, I don't Big Talk myself as much. If I'm going to brag, I brag about my teammates. I brag about my coach, who has written the detailed plans that get me to my goals. I brag about my coworkers' expertise and the way they bring a team together. I Big Talk my nutritionist, my massage therapist, my life coach, my parents and friends ... anyone who's helped me get to where I am today.

Take the attention for your wins, but give credit where it's due.

Whenever I Big Talk my team, everyone else around me gets interested and amped. They want to know more about how my squad contributed to my success. Big Talking my team gets them more clients and reinforces why I am training/contracting with them in the first place.

I've been a Big Talker before, and I'm sure I will be, again. But today I take the pledge to just show up and pick up that heavy-ass weight, one rep at a time, to make the biggest possible stick. That way, I'll be heard, even when I say nothing.

Kathryn Bennett, CPSM, MPH, is Utah's Strongest Woman 2020. She is a professional services marketer with more than 15 years' professional experience in the field of technical communication. In her free time, Kathryn trains for strongman events, walks her blue-nosed pit bull, and probably posts too often to various forms of social media. You can find her on Instagram at @kaybeelifts and @warmaiden_fitness.