The Keystone Conversation for Your Best Possible Relationship

In the world of business, one of the most crucial aspects of professional development is the ability to cultivate positive and productive relationships with colleagues and managers. After all, most people leave their jobs not because of the tasks they perform, but due to conflicts with coworkers or superiors. If you find it challenging to get along with others in a workplace, you may be familiar with the exhausting cycle of job changes. Instead of constantly moving from one job to another, it's time to develop the vital professional skill of working with others in healthier and more sustainable ways.

In pursuit of the elusive "Best Possible Relationship" (BPR), one must focus on three foundational qualities: psychological safety, vitality, and repairability. These qualities are the cornerstones of building strong connections, containing dysfunction in challenging relationships, and quickly getting back on track when solid relationships waver. A BPR not only enhances individual well-being but also leads to better work performance, higher retention rates, increased engagement, and reduced need for HR interventions.

The Keystone Conversation: A Path to the Best Possible Relationship

At the heart of creating a BPR is the "Keystone Conversation." This transformative dialogue consists of five essential questions that establish shared responsibility for nurturing a healthy and sustainable relationship. The conversation unfolds in two phases: first, you ask yourself these questions and reflect on your responses; next, you engage in the conversation with your coworker. Although it may feel awkward initially, the Keystone Conversation provides a safe space to discuss the relationship, even during challenging times, allowing for adjustments, repairs, and revitalization. Furthermore, this conversation promotes a deeper understanding of the other person, bridging the gap between assumptions and reality.

1- Discovering Your Strengths - "What are your strengths and when have you used them most effectively?"

Prompts self-reflection on moments when you performed at your best. Your strengths are not merely tasks you excel at; they are activities that energize and fulfill you. To identify your strengths, create a matrix chart with "good at" activities on the horizontal axis and "fulfilled by" activities on the vertical axis. This visual representation helps uncover and leverage your existing strengths, talents, and successes, ultimately fostering growth, engagement, and better working relationships. Remember, playing to your strengths leads to long-term fulfillment.

2- Understanding Your Work Style - "What is your style of working and what keeps you steady?"

Encourages introspection into your work habits and preferences. Similar to the moon stabilizing Earth, your practices and preferences keep you on a steady path. By understanding your work style and acknowledging what you like and dislike, you can identify areas of commonality with your coworkers and proactively accommodate their unique work styles. Self-awareness empowers you to establish boundaries, say no to unsuitable tasks, and embrace favorable opportunities.

3- Learning from Past Successes - "What has worked in the past?"

Invites reflection on past working relationships that stood out as exceptional. Identify the factors that contributed to these positive outcomes, including the personalities, words, actions, and work environment. Understanding what made these collaborations successful allows you to apply these insights to future interactions with coworkers.

4- Gaining Wisdom from Past Challenges - "What hasn't worked in the past?"

Encourages you to confront past challenges in working with others. Instead of blaming others, recognize your role in these conflicts and explore the details, behaviors, and contexts that contributed to the issues. By identifying these triggers, you gain valuable insights to avoid or better manage similar situations in the future.

5 - Repairing and Growing from Conflict - "How can you repair and grow from conflict?"

Emphasizes the inevitability of conflict in working relationships. Speaking up when things are not going smoothly is crucial, as it allows for better awareness and the opportunity to repair the relationship. Repairing damaged work relationships requires courage, skill, and a commitment to bridge the gap and reconnect. Use the following steps to navigate conflict:

a- Name and acknowledge unspoken issues and emotions affecting the relationship.

b- Stay open and curious, avoiding defensiveness and self-righteousness.

c- Listen actively and seek understanding by separating facts from opinions.

d- Deescalate tensions with lightness and grace, taking ownership of your statements.

e- Take the initiative to rebuild and reconnect, reframing the situation and offering apologies when necessary.

Maintaining Your BPR (Best Possible Relationship)

Building a BPR is an ongoing process that requires continual attention and effort. To keep your BPR thriving, follow these principles:

1. Approach every conversation with an open and curious mind.
2. Share your emotions and vulnerabilities to maintain transparency.
3. Be kind, understanding, and patient in your interactions.
4. Adapt your behavior when it doesn't benefit the relationship.
5. Heal conflicts when they arise.
6. Take time to reset and recharge the relationship to keep it fresh.

Remember that relationships, like living organisms, need care and nurturing. And don't forget the most important relationship of all—the one you have with yourself. Self-awareness, self-care, and personal growth contribute significantly to your ability to show up as your best self in every Best Possible Relationship you build. Building the Best Possible Relationship is not just about working with others; it's about working on yourself too.