The Keys to a Happier Life
Resolving Your Conflicts
Do you ever get into arguments? Perhaps you sometimes feel exasperated by the people around you or you feel frustrated by the views expressed by relatives or colleagues. It can certainly be hard to maintain silence in the face of opinions that conflict directly with our personal, precious views. These potential flashpoints show up all the time. You can probably relate to the temptation to shout at the television screen when a politician delivers a message that contradicts your beliefs and values. How often have you raised your voice in the car when someone’s done something stupid? Yet, perhaps surprisingly, these flashpoints usually remain under control and we manage to hold our tongue.
Perhaps it’s for the good that most of the time we don’t react. But that doesn’t mean that the emotional response was successfully neutralised. Instead, we hold onto the resentment or the feelings of righteous anger and injustice and they become part of our memory, a constant background reminder of something that should’ve been dealt with but remains unresolved. Eventually, these feelings accumulate and the resentment grows until a seemingly trivial incident can trigger an unexpected outburst of anger - and that’s when the emotional eruption flows freely and aims to annihilate everything in its path!
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
― Buddha
We could describe this behaviour as a habit because we tend to react according to set patterns of emotional responses, many of which were laid down during our formative, childhood years. We may have been taught, for example, to suppress our anger because it was seen as an antisocial and undesirable trait that needed to be avoided at all costs. So, we learned to suppress our feelings rather than discovering how to deal with them effectively and without losing control. In an angry and possibly violent family environment, children quickly learn to adopt the same behaviours as a survival mechanism. A quick and sometimes violent temper is the obvious product of this kind of environment. When we witness our parents behaving in ways that clearly show that they are out of control, their example is easily imprinted into our highly-receptive subconscious minds and can form a template for our future attitudes and behaviour.
Never respond to an angry person with a fiery comeback, even if he deserves it. Don't allow his anger to become your anger.
― Bohdi Sanders
We’re all deeply conditioned by our early environmental and social pressures. The question that arises from this very important understanding is to ask ourselves how we can grow beyond these limitations and function as emotionally-balanced and fully developed human beings. It’s a question that deserves our fullest attention. It’s a question that could change our lives in more ways than you might imagine.
There are many clues in the way we express our emotional responses that can reveal the underlying source of our reactions.
Let’s start by determining whether you feel uncomfortable expressing how you feel. Is it something that’s easy for you? Are you able to articulate your feelings and share your emotions in a way that feels comfortable and controlled? Or do you sometimes over-react and unleash a torrent of emotionally-charged negative energy that leaves you feeling exhausted? Learning to control these outbursts can be extremely helpful in assisting you to develop a powerful sense of personal empowerment. Mastering our emotions is a wonderful gift that we can give to ourselves whilst providing a positive example for others to consider.
Angry people want you to see how powerful they are. Loving people want you to see how powerful you are.
― Chief Red Eagle
A good starting point is to identify any areas that are likely to trigger your anger. When you notice that your temper is rising, it’s possible to learn to pause for a moment, to take a deeper breath and ask yourself what exactly could be making you feel upset.
One of the great insights into the nature of anger is the knowledge that all anger is the result of fear.
Asking yourself what you might be afraid of can help you to understand the underlying catalysts that are truly responsible for provoking your anger response. When you follow the threads of your emotional questioning and discover what you’re really afraid of, your anger evaporates in the presence of this rational scrutiny. The other benefit to this remarkable revelation is that, from now on, you’re far more likely to understand why you’re feeling angry before the emotional response takes hold.
Fear is based on ignorance. Lack of understanding is also a primary cause of anger.
― Thich Nhat Hanh
The more you can learn about your underlying fears and your early conditioned behaviours, the more empowered you will feel in mastering these negative emotional forces that can so easily dominate the quality of your life.
Whether or not you choose to express how you feel, with practice you will understand the mechanics of how to neutralise your tumultuous emotional energy and discover a much calmer, happier and more balanced way to appreciate your life. As you acquire the skills to master your emotions, you will be able to choose the kind of positive and life-affirming feelings that will enhance your journey and the connections you share with everyone else.
There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help –
and what they cannot.
- Plato
Are you ready for a completely fresh approach to life’s great adventure? Get in touch with us today for a free session to discover how the growing global movement for personal growth, success, change and empowerment can enhance your life. It’s fun and it’s surprisingly effective. Perhaps it’s time for you to discover how you can enjoy your life on a whole new level of happiness and wellbeing.
Greg Parry created The Wellness Foundation and the Cognitive Empowerment Programs specifically to help people master their stress, overcome their limitations and explore the power of their true potential.
If you enjoy these blogs, you can imagine how much fun it is to have Greg in the room as an inspirational and highly perceptive speaker. If you’d like to invite Greg to talk to your company or organisation or event, feel free to get in touch.
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