The key to recognizing people at work

As you probably know by now, our team loves doing work that helps us learn more about ourselves. It’s an extra bonus if it also helps us in our lives outside of work.

I was first introduced to the amazing work of Gary Chapman when we took the Love Languages assessment as a team many years ago. I had a feeling that knowing my Love Language would have an impact on an obvious part of my life—my relationship with my now-husband, Spiros (and it did!)—but I didn’t realize at the time just how helpful it would be for our team.?

The premise behind the Love Languages is that people give and receive love in different ways. It’s human to give love in the way that you would like to receive it, but if your partner has a different Love Language than you, your partner might not be able to receive it like you intend. The more you can understand your primary Love Language and that of your partner, the more you can help each other feel valued and fulfilled in your relationship.

I wrote all about how the Love Languages helped me and Spiros in our marriage in September’s Life Outside of Work newsletter. (If you missed it and want to read it, you can catch it here. And to sign up for future ones, you can do that here!) So today, I want to focus on how this simple assessment helped me in my business and paved the way for our team to take our recognition and appreciation to the next level.?

According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 Love Languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Tangible Gifts, and Physical Touch. When he originally did this work, it was largely aimed at romantic partnerships. But since then, he’s adapted the Love Languages assessment and reframed? for the workplace. He calls it the 5 Languages of Appreciation at Work, and the premise is the same: When you want to show a colleague how much you value them, it’s natural to do that in the way that you want to be appreciated. But that means that if the person has a different Appreciation Language than you, it might not have the impact you want it to have, and it might not resonate with them. The more that you can seek to understand the Appreciation Languages of your coworkers, the more you can value them in the way that means the most to them. And the more you understand your own Appreciation Language, the better you are able to communicate your needs to those you work with so that you can feel more fulfilled.

According to Gary Chapman, here are the primary Appreciation Languages At Work. As you read them, see if you can identity the one that resonates most with you:

• Words of Affirmation: You appreciate praise, compliments, kind words, notes, verbal recognition, affirmation of your contributions and impact??
• Quality Time: You enjoy one-on-one time, meaningful conversation, participating in shared experiences and celebrations, and moments of undivided attention
• Acts of Service: It means a lot to you when others go out of their way to help you, when someone takes something off your plate, when people collaborate with you on a project, or when someone asks you if you need support??
• Tangible Gifts: You appreciate heartfelt gifts that reflect someone’s understanding of what matters to you; you like fact-oriented information that highlights your results; and you like rewards for milestones and accomplishments
• Physical Touch: This one applies more to romantic relationships, so we only focus on the four above when it comes to work

When I took the assessment with our team, I learned that my primary Appreciation Language is Words of Affirmation (which happens to be consistent for me at work and in my relationship with Spiros). It helped me understand so much about myself as a leader and what I need in order to feel like the team values me. For me, I love to learn of the ways that I impact others, and it means a lot to me when my teammates express their gratitude to me.?

But not everyone on the team is the same.

For Amanda, her primary Appreciation Language is Quality Time. For Cheyenne, she appreciates both Quality Time and Acts of Service. And Rachel and Monique are similar to me, with Words of Affirmation being their preferred method of receiving appreciation.

Until we took the Appreciation Languages assessment, I used to show appreciation to everyone on the team the same way: I would verbally recognize them. Whether it be in team meetings, in handwritten notes, or by picking up the phone, expressing my gratitude was the way I showed our team how much they meant to me. When I think back, I did that because it’s the way that I like to be appreciated. I didn’t think there was another way that would mean more to someone because it simply wasn’t on my radar. But now that I’ve learned about the Appreciation Languages, I have adapted the way in which I show appreciation, especially when it comes to Cheyenne and Amanda, who are different from me in this department.?

It really boils down to emotional bank accounts (a concept I learned about in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People). The idea is that we each have an emotional bank account with each person in our lives at work and outside of it. The higher the balance in the account, the more trust we have with that person and the better we can weather the difficult moments that inevitably happen in any relationship.

Just like a regular bank account, there are two components to an emotional bank account: deposits and withdrawals. Deposits add to the balance and withdrawals take from it. The goal is to make sure you are consistently depositing into the account so that when you have withdrawals (tough moments, critical conversations), you still have enough of a balance left in the account.

I think knowing and understanding the Appreciation Languages of those you work with and then giving appreciation in the way that means the most to someone is the key to larger deposits. For example, if I verbally recognize Cheyenne or Amanda, it will probably still be a deposit in their emotional bank accounts, but it might be a small one. On the other hand, if I were to spend one-on-one time with them and have a conversation about something meaningful, that would likely be a much larger deposit.?

You see how this works? Knowing someone’s Appreciation Language is the key to larger deposits, but it requires you to adapt and give appreciation in a way that might not come naturally to you.

What this also means is that it requires you to have conversations with those you work closely with in order to know what makes them feel the most appreciated. One idea is to have your colleagues take the assessment and have a session where you share your results and learn more about one another. Another idea is to ask each person a simple question: “What makes you feel the most valued and appreciated?”

Here’s the thing: You are not a mindreader, and neither are those on your team. When someone isn’t feeling appreciated by someone they work with, it might not even be intentional. In fact, it might be that the person thinks they are doing a great job at appreciating the other. The more we can understand ourselves, speak up for what we need, and seek to learn more about those around us, the more we can help ourselves and those we work alongside feel valued and fulfilled at work.

What do you think? Is this a conversation that you can have with your team? At the very least, it can be something you do to learn more about yourself and help those around you learn more about you, too.

Here’s to appreciating those around us a bit more intentionally and building a better world at work!?

Big hugs,

Kristen