Key points I want to remember from reading the book, “So You Want to Talk About Race” by Ijeoma Oluo

Simple basic way to determine if something is about race:

1. It's is about race if a person of color thinks it is about race.
2. It's about race if it disproportionately or differently affects people of color.
3. It's about race if it fits into a broader pattern of events that disproportionately affect people of color.

Racism:

Any prejudice against someone because of their race when those views are reinforced by systems of power.

Basic tips that will increase your chance of conversation success, or at least decrease your chance of conversation disaster:

1. State your intentions. Do you know why you are having this conversation? Do you know why this matters to you? Is there something you are trying to communicate or understand? Figure it out before moving forward and then state what your intentions are so that the people you are talking with can determine whether this is a conversation they are willing to join. Very often, these attempts at conversation fail because two people are entering with two very incompatible agendas and proceed to have two very different conversations, and that doesn’t become clear until it blows up in anger and frustration.
2. Remember what your top priority in the conversation is, and don’t let your emotions override that. If your top priority is understanding racism better, or addressing an incident involving race, or righting a wrong caused by racism, don’t let the top priority suddenly hurt your pride if the conversations has you feeling defensive.
3. Do your research. If you're going to be talking about an issue you are not familiar with, so a quick Google search to save everyone involved time and frustration. If terms or subjects come up that you're not familiar with, you can ask for some clarification if you are in-person, but know that if you are a white person talking to a person of color – it's never their job to become your personal Google. If you're online and these topics or terms come up, you can Google faster than it takes to hold up the entire conversation begging people to explain things to you. Even if you are a person of color, making sure you understand more about the topic you're trying to address, beyond your immediate experience with it, will give you more confidence in your conversation and will help you get your point across.
4. Don’t make your anti-racism argument oppressive against other groups. When stressed, when angry, when tired … our worst selves come out. It’s never okay to battle racism with … (other forms of discrimination). We must be willing to fight oppression in all its forms.
5. When you start to feel defensive, stop and ask yourself why. If you're talking about race and you suddenly feel the need to defend yourself vigorously, stop and ask yourself, “What is being threatened here? What am I thinking that this conversation says about me?” and “Has my top priority shifted to preserve my ego?”
6. Do not "tone police." Don't require that people make their discussions on the racial oppression they face comfortable for you.
7. If you're white, watch how many times you say “I” and “me.” Systematic racism is about more than individuals, and it is not about your personal feelings. If you find yourself frequently referring to your feelings and your viewpoint, chances are, you are making this all about you.
8. Ask yourself: Am I trying to be right, or am I trying to do better? Conversations on racism should never be about winning. You're in this to share and to learn. You're in this to do better and be better. You're not trying to score points, and victory will rarely look like your opponent conceding defeat and vowing never to argue with you again. Because your opponent isn’t a person, it’s the system of racism that often showed up in the words and actions of other people.
9. Don't force people of color into discussions of race. People of color live with racism every day and have no say when and how it impacts their lives. It's painful and exhausting. When people of color have the rare luxury to choose to not engage in additional dialogue about race, do not deny them of that break.

Intersectionality: The belief that our social justice movements must consider all the intersections of identity, privilege, and oppression that people face to be just and effective. How do you increase the intersectionality of race? Ask:

• How might race, gender, sexuality, ability, class, or sex impact this subject?
• Could the identity differences between me and the person I’m talking with about race be contributing to our differences of opinion or perspective?
• Are the people in my racial justice conversations and the opinions being considered truly representing the diversity of identities that interact with the subject matter being addressed?

On Affirmative Action...

• Argument 1: We don’t need affirmative action because society isn’t as racist or sexist as it used to be.
• Argument 2: If an employer is racist or sexist, you can just sue them.
• Argument 3: Affirmative action teaches people of color and women that they don’t have to work as hard as white men. Sigh. Here’s the basic truth: most affirmative action goals aim for a representative number of people of color and women. This means that if there are 10% black people in the area, the goal (not quota) would be around 10% black employees or students. The goal is simply equal opportunity for female applicants and applicants of color. Why would a representational number of people of color be so much less competitive than a representational number of white people?
• Argument 4: Affirmative action is unfair to white men because it causes them to lose opportunities to less qualified people of color. Remember, these are representative goals (see above). When you say a representative number of women or people of color cuts out more deserving white men, you are saying that people of color deserve to be less represented in our schools and our companies than white men are deserving of an over-representational majority of these spots.
• Argument 5: Affirmative action doesn’t work. While affirmative action may not have been the racial panacea that some had originally hoped, it has been one of the successful programs for helping combat the ed-effects of racial discrimination in education and employment that we’ve tried.

How to respond to microaggressions:

• State what actually happened (eg, "You just assumed that I ….").
• Ask some uncomfortable questions. Questioning the action can force someone to really examine their motives. “Why did you say that? I don’t get it. Please clarify.”
• Ask some more uncomfortable questions. “Is this something you would have said to a white person? How exactly was I supposed to take what you just said?”
• Reinforce that good intention are not the point. “You may have not meant to offend me, but you did. And this happens to people of color all the time. If you do not mean to offend, you will stop doing this. I can see that this is making you uncomfortable, but this is a real problem that needs to be addressed.”

If you’ve been called out for a racist microaggression, and your want to understand and you don’t want to hurt people of color, here are some tips:

• Pause and catch your breath and remember your goal is to understand and to have a better relationship with the person you are talking to.
• Ask yourself, “Do I really know why I said/did that?”
• Ask yourself, “Would I have said this to somebody of my race? Is it something I say to people of my race?”
• Ask yourself if you were feeling threatened or uncomfortable in the situation, and the ask yourself why.
• Don’t force people to acknowledge your good intentions.
• Remember: It’s not just this one incident. Racial trauma is cumulative.
• Research further on your own time. Take whatever knowledge the person confronting you is willing to give gratefully, but do not then demand that give you a free 101 session on microaggressions. Whatever you’ve done, it’s been done before, and a quick Google search will help you understand further.
• Apologize.

Tone policing: Prioritizes the comfort of the privileged person in the situation over the oppression of the disadvantaged person. [From another source: Tone policing detracts from the validity of a statement by attacking the tone in which it was presented rather than the message itself]

If you are a white person concerned with fighting racial oppression, and you want to avoid tone policing behavior and stay focused on being a true ally in the battle against racism, here are some things to remember:

• Be aware of the limits of your empathy. Your privilege will keep you from fully understanding the pain caused to people of color by systemic racism, but just because you cannot understand it, that doesn’t make it any less real,
• Don’t distract or deflect. The core issue in discussions of racism and systemic oppression will always be racism and systemic oppression.
• Remember your goal. Your main goal should always be to end systemic racism.
• Drop the prerequisites. That goal should not have any preconditions on it. You are fighting systemic racism because it is your moral obligation, and that obligation is yours if systemic racism exists, pure and simple.
•  Walk away if you must, but don’t give up. If you simply cannot abide an oppressed person or group’s language of methods, step aside ad find where you can help elsewhere.