The key to lasting relationships

Have you ever been in a conflict with someone...?

and secretly realized that maybe, just maybe, you were in the wrong?

Well, I sure have. I'll share a story from earlier this year.

Claire installed hooks in our guest bathroom. After she finished, she asked for me to come check it out.?

I entered the bathroom and immediately felt impressed. But then, I noticed something... The towel hooks were not evenly centered.?

Look, I am FAR from a perfectionist, but for some reason I could not take my eyes off these hooks. I looked from various angles. Were my eyes deceiving me?

Once I confirmed my suspicions,? I uttered some bold words: "It seems a little off... don't you think?"

Foolish. I know.

Sweet Claire spent time out of her weekend installing these crooked hooks. She just wanted a compliment. Some affirmation. Instead, I obnoxiously critiqued her.?

As you may expect, my response hurt her. Naturally, she responded in a hurt way.? Clearly, this one was on me.?And yet, for some reason, I pounced on the attack.?

"What? Did you want me to just ignore it?"

Yup. Strike 2.

At this point, I am ferociously digging my own grave.

Yet, here's the problem: In the moment,?I actually felt convinced Claire was in the wrong. And because of my conviction and pride in the moment, the odds were incredibly slim for me to humbly apologize and acknowledge my wrong doing to Claire (especially after I tried to deflect and push the blame back on her).??

I'd imagine (or at least hope) this feels relatable.

Relationships are hard. In your relationships with your significant other, friends, and family, you will wrong them.

But unfortunately, after wronging someone I care about, my ego can make me defensive in the moment. My emotions take over. I become "triggered." In response, I withdraw (+ play the victim) or I go on the attack (+ deflect).??

Then, eventually, I calm down.

This makes sense. Research shows the average individual needs between 20-40 minutes to calm down after being triggered emotionally.

After taking a break, the logical part of my brain gets involved. Suddenly, I recognize my wrongdoing. Then, the dam breaks and the guilt comes rushing in.? That moment of guilt offers you an invitation. You can either:

1. Continue to withdraw from the person
2. Continue to attack and convince yourself you were somehow wronged, OR
3. Repair the relationship

Hopefully, you did not need #3 to be in bold to recognize it as the correct choice.

Claire and I experience conflict regularly. The key to our relationship is we repair. When one of us falls short, we acknowledge it and make a bid to reconnect.

As couples and family therapy expert Sue Johnson says:

"Love is a constant process of tuning in, connecting, missing and misreading cues,disconnecting, repairing and finding deeper connection. It's a dance of meeting and parting and finding each other again."

Here are the 3 skills Claire and I utilize to repair after emotional disconnection:

1. Take a Break:?

As I mentioned earlier, your brain has two parts: a logical part and an emotional part. Your rational part needs 20-40 minutes to get back into the picture.

So, take a break and get your mind off the conflict.?

The Gottman Institute suggests your heart rate should be below 100 bpm before reengaging (or 80 for those that are more athletic). ? ?

2. Repair with an Anchor Phrase:

After you take a break and get your logical brain engaged, you can then try to repair. This can be a bit nerve wracking. It requires courage.?

To make that easier, Claire and I use an Anchor Phrase.

One of us says "I want to be close to you."

It's our quick way of saying, "Ok fine, I know I screwed up but I really am sorry and I hope you can somehow find a way in your heart to forgive me and be my friend again because I'm the worst and IDK why I responded that way."?

In moments where nerves are at their highest, great athletes rely on their fundamentals. Practice makes perfect. Steph Curry experiences fear and nerves, too. But, he also knows his fundamentals enable him to make over 90% of his free throws.

So when the game is on the line, he simply relies on his fundamentals, or habits We must take the same approach with relationships.

After conflict, nerves are at an all time high. So, rely on your relational fundamentals of an Anchor Phrase.?

3. Avoid "You" statements:

This is more of a warning.

Do not go on the attack after you initiate a repair with an Anchor Phrase. Focus on "I" statements. State what you can own from the conflict.

For example:

"I should not have [thing you did]. Instead, I should have [thing you wish you did]."

"I felt [emotion] and responded defensively. I am sorry."

TLDR:

• Takeaway: You will fall short. That's okay, so long as you acknowledge it and repair the relationship
• How do you repair?: (1) Take a 20-40 minute break to calm down; (2) Create a phrase to let your significant other know you want to reconnect (ex: "I want to be close to you"); (3) Once you calm down, use that phrase to initiate the repair

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