Key to Integrity: Selfishness

It is not possible to be a #peoplepleaser and pursue #integrity. But hopefully by the end of this article, I will not only have convinced you as such, but I will argue that #selfishness is the key to regaining integrity.

I was once a proficient people pleaser. I sought to understand the interests and perceived expectations of many around me and fulfill them. In such a way did I not only gain the momentary high of pleasing others, but I also felt that my worth was sustained for a wee bit longer. People pleasing doesn't have a formal diagnosis. Instead it is understood more to be a label that describes one who feels the strong urge to please others, even at great expense to themselves. They feel that their wants, needs, and values don't matter when compared to those of others around them.

Often times people pleasers feel that they are driven by beautiful characteristics such as kindness, generosity, and altruism. But there is one key difference in those that imbibe these great qualities: they know how to say "no". These individuals who operate out of kindness, generosity, and altruism can make balanced and intentional choices by exercising their "yes" and "no". People pleasers have great difficulty when it comes to say no. It is absolutely normal and healthy to want to feel loved, valued, and have a sense of belonging in community. After all, we are social creatures. We seek ways to interact where there is an exchange of care.

But one of the biggest challenges of people pleasers is that it is tremendously difficult to #sayno. Over time, they lose reference to their own needs, wants and desires as they keep saying yes to the needs others present them. They keep seeking the temporary high of pleasing others that doesn't last. They are desperately averse to displeasing others.

Here are some signs that you may relate with if you too are a people pleaser like I once was. As has been established, we find the simplest, two letter, one syllable word, "no" difficult to say. we take on extra work commitments at our own expense. We tend to over commit to plans, responsibilities and projects. We find that we often feel taken advantage of. We definitely struggle with stress after feeling overwhelmed with workloads we have committed to. We experience frustration because of lack of downtime for ourselves. There often seems to be undue pressure to be friendly, nice, and cheerful. We proceed in certain settings even when we're unhappy because we don't want to cause friction or tension. And we often avoid sharing our real perspectives for fear of disagreeing with others.

There are some serious causes people pleasers suffer as a result of these signs. One of them is low self esteem. They often feel that the worth of others surpasses their own. Furthermore, they feel like their needs are unimportant. They advocate less for themselves and often don't even know what they want. They feel purposeless if there isn't anyone around for them to help. The feelings of anxiety are driven deeper with fears of rejections, challenges fitting in, and possibly causing offense to others. People pleasers avoid conflict by side stepping disagreements. There are some interesting cultural norms and socializations whereby many of us learn that selflessness is a virtue at all costs. Another expression some of us may relate to is that the needs of the collective matter more than the individual. There is oftentimes an expressed inequity where the idea is reinforced that some people are meant to look after others, even at their own expense. In addition to the fight, flight, and fear responses to trauma, many people pleasers utilize fawning as a way to gain affection and admiration of those traumatizing them. There is an actual disorder called Dependent Personality Disorder where one feels overly dependent for help and approval from those around them.

Some of the risks that people pleasers endure include stress of high workloads and feeling overbooked. They often feel they lack the resources to cope with the settings they find themselves in. Additionally, they are regularly exhausted after taking on too much, which adversely affects their mental and physical health. Through neglect their care for hygiene and appearance take a hit. Resentment, feelings of anger, and frustration are expressed passive aggressively. Due to avoiding tension and conflict, they lack the skills to deal with conflict in personal relationships. They progressively lose reference with their sense of identity as they grow decreasingly aware of their own interests.

But I am so happy to announce it doesn't have to be so! As a former people pleaser, I can still relate to many of these experiences. However, I am looking back on them with tremendous gratitude after having lived spent some years pursuing what living with integrity feels like. And I am excited to share with you how you too can begin a new journey towards experiencing this #freedom and #liberation!

And it all starts with acknowledging you have a problem. This is such a powerful and integral first step that cannot be skipped. Within it there are evidences of surrender and honesty that pave the path of healthy progression. This is the place most 12 step programs begin. In pursuing integrity within oneself, honesty with one's self is a necessary prerequisite.

The second most powerful step is to begin practicing selfishness!! Most of us have been taught that being selfish is a bad character trait. I do agree there are forms of selfishness that are unhelpful and worth avoiding. But the kind of selfishness I am describing is one where you can start to regain balance from always serving others at your expense to serving yourself before you serve others. On the airplane, as part of the safety talk that flight attendants lead, is this same principle. Always put your own air mask on first before helping others. In like manner, selfishly attend to yourself before extending aid to others around you. In so doing, you start to begin to discover what it means to be you and not someone else. Furthermore, you start having opportunities to be honest about what you seek and desire in life. This follows the trajectory of one who is pursuing integrity in their life. Integrity comes from the Latin word integer which signifies "wholeness". In essence, as you pursue your integrity, you are learning to align with what you find true and good in your life!

Thirdly, start practicing expressing your wants, needs, and values in small, incremental amounts with people you trust. Perhaps consider asking for some time to reflect on requests by others to help them. Moreover, consider the benefits of giving time limits when you make commitments to helping others and practice keeping them. Block some time off for yourself so you can begin your journey of self exploration as you discover what matters to you.

Fourthly, find a good group of friends to spend time with. As you spend time with them, be intentional about sharing things that you are discovering are your interests. Amongst them, consider asking those you find strong resonance with to help you in your path away from people pleasing. Ask these same individuals to help you practice how to say no so it's easier when you really need to say "no".

Fifthly, look for mentors whom you admire and want to emulate. See if they would be willing to guide or encourage you in your path to practicing selfishness as you seek to build integrity in your life.

Sixthly, consider working with a therapist or psychologist. These individuals are skilled in helping you identify your behavior patterns and how to recognize their impact. They will also enable you to feel empowered to learn about your values and to change. They will further help you learn about #healthyboundaries and how to more importantly implement them. Especially consider working with these professionals if people pleasing is affecting your personal relationships or work, if you're feeling that you are unable to care for yourself, worry a lot about what others think, or have a history of experienced trauma.

Finally, give serious consideration to joining a 12 step group. The one I have been actively participating for some years now is called Coda, or Codependents Anonymous. See if there is one in your area by doing a simple Google search. If there isn't one, go to their website and choose from a plethora across the country of online meetings. Here you will meet like minded individuals who are also pursuing their integrity as they practice engaging in healthy relationships.

I would love to hear feedback from you on these ideas I have shared. Let me know which ones resonated with you, where you disagree, or what epiphanies may have occurred. Thanks for taking the time to engage with me on this theme.