The Key to a Happier, Healthier Life: Tending To Your Relationships

Sustainable high performance is built on a foundation of strong relationships.

Yet, only 39% of U.S. adults say they feel emotionally close and very connected to others.

This means many of us on the path to excellence are facing a quiet crisis—a fundamental disconnect from the vital, genuine relationships that support us daily and form the bedrock of our mental and physical health.?

What gets in the way of our relationships??

Technology can give us an illusion of connectedness when in fact it’s adding a layer between us.

And precious few of us have good role models to show us what a positive interpersonal relationship looks like in real time.

Most of us are completely unaware of how disconnected we really are, so we don’t prioritize our relationships because we don’t realize we need to.

Nevertheless, maintaining good quality relationships helps keep us happy, well, and living longer. And who among us doesn’t want that?

Let’s take a look at what the science says about the benefits of strong relationships.

Research Points to Relationships for the Good Life

The Harvard Study of Adult Development is the longest-running study of human happiness ever conducted and encompasses more than 80 years of research. The study follows individuals through their lifespan, showing in great detail that a good life is built on quality relationships.?

When I interviewed the current director of the Harvard study, Dr. Robert Waldinger , on the Finding Mastery Podcast, we talked at length about “social fitness”—Dr. Waldinger’s term for our ability to form and maintain positive relationships.

The great news is, social fitness is a lot like physical fitness—you can improve it over time with conscious and consistent effort. And best of all, you get so much more than a mental health boost from leveling up.?

Those same warm and trusting relationships that contribute to your good life emotionally and psychologically? Turns out they help support your healthy physiology and longevity as well.

And achieving social fitness is a practice, like working out at the gym. In other words, relationships require active effort and maintenance over time; they don’t just happen.

For me, all this means people who are proactive about taking care of their relationships have the happiest, healthiest, longest, most fulfilling, and highest-performing lives.?

General Principles for Tending To Relationships

We talked about many of the ways to tend to our primary personal relationships in an inspiring conversation I had with Drs. John and Julie Gottman , pioneering psychologists who have done groundbreaking work on the science and practice of healthy relationships for the last four decades.

Sometimes the actions we can take to improve relationships seem small, but they pay off big. The simple gesture of sending a brief text to say, “I’m thinking of you,” can work wonders to deepen or even repair a relationship.

Over the years, I’ve found the following general principles indispensable for improving relationships at work and at home.

1. Non-Judgmental Awareness: In my personal practice, when I spend 12-20 minutes a day observing my own thoughts and internal dialogue without judgment, my relationships improve. (I still have lots of room to grow, but this is a great place to start.)
2. Show Genuine Interest: Make it a point to engage in substantive conversations that explore personal interests and philosophies beyond work-related or surface-level topics. Something as small as asking, “What inspired you to ____ (pursue your career path, choose your vacation destination, excel at a particular hobby, etc.)?” can lead to a meaningful conversation that reveals values, motivations, and guiding principles.
3. Engage in Active Listening: Validating others' feelings isn’t simply a matter of reflecting their words back to them, you must also work to calibrate the feelings connected to the words they’re expressing.?
4. Support and Challenge: Encourage your colleagues and loved ones to pursue their visions by supporting AND challenging them to bring their best efforts.
5. Communicate Clearly and Respectfully: Be specific and direct when expressing your feelings and needs without criticizing the character of others.
6. Offer Sincere Apologies: When mistakes happen, apologize sincerely. Take responsibility and commit to making amends.
7. Understand Visions and Goals: Go deep to clarify, understand, and support each other’s visions and goals for the future.
8. Continuous Learning: Invest time in learning about relationships through books, workshops, and podcasts to enhance your relational skill set.

Building Professional Relationships That Last??

In the realm of work, it’s worth noting that strong, long-lasting relationships often start with understanding (or being curious about) the other person’s vision of a compelling future, their first principles and personal philosophy, how they liked to be coached, supported and challenged, and their unique trip-wires for trust.

This builds a foundation for a shared sense of meaning and purpose, which energizes relationships. When we align our values and interests with others, we find meaningful work and build long-lasting relationships.

It’s also worth noting we gain a two-way psychological benefit when we tend to our relationships. The ability to manage stress and negative emotions in relationships is crucial. Good relationships help us manage stress and negative emotions. And our ability to manage stress and negative emotions helps us nurture strong relationships.?

It’s a positive reinforcement cycle.

So as we reflect on the people in our lives—whether personal or professional—we must take a moment to pause, look in the mirror, and ask:

How good are your relationships?

The evidence is clear: When we connect with others in a meaningful way, not only do we enhance our own health and happiness, but we contribute positively to the wellbeing of others as well.

As we take action to enhance our own lives and the lives of those around us, let’s focus on what truly matters—our relationships. In fact, I’d go so far as to say tending to our relationships is perhaps the most rewarding work we can do.

Ask yourself:?

• Which relationships need my attention?
• How can I strengthen these connections to enrich both our lives?
• Which of the 8 principles above might be the best place for me to focus now?

Even just commiting to one or two of those principles will start you down a path of tending to your relationships well — and helping to create a better, healthier life.

With Fire,

MG

Related Podcast Links:

• Listen: Finding Mastery 375: How To Live the Good Life – Lessons From The Longest Study On Happiness | Dr. Robert Waldinger
• Listen: Finding Mastery 380: The Art and Science of Building Healthy Relationships | Drs. John and Julie Gottman
• Subscribe: The Finding Mastery Podcast
• Follow: Finding Mastery on Instagram