Key to Good Boundaries is Self-Awareness

To build a strong relationship with those you lead, it's crucial to establish clear boundaries between yourself and the other person. The more you understand yourself—your motivations, triggers, and emotions—the easier it becomes to separate your own issues and needs from those of others. The ability to distinguish between what issues or needs belong to you and what issues and needs belong to another person is a foundational skill in any successful relationship.

I just finished reading a short but great read on "Soft skills for Hard people" by Helena Kim and I want to summarize her thoughts (adding my own) to her chapter on Self-awareness.

When you lead a team and are self-aware, you will immediately catch yourself if you start to blur your needs with someone else's business or problem. Self-awareness means recognizing aspects of yourself without harsh judgment and accepting them, even if you don’t fully understand them. This includes traits you might not be fond of. You can identify your reactions, judgments, biases, and motives, and understand how they impact you and those around you. More importantly, you are aware of how they affect others around you. Also, when you are self-aware, you're able to both understand and manage your reactions.

How can you learn to control your feelings and understand how your emotions impact you and those around you?

There are different strategies to achieve this, and Helena Kim shares the following.

1. Neutral observation of how you feel and think, many refer to this as "balcony view" the same way you suspend judgement of other people when you empathize with them, you do the same for yourself.
2. Keeping a mind-dumping journal; in a notebook or on your computer divide your page into two columns, use the left side to pour out all your thoughts, biases, feelings and reactions about things, people, and events. A few weeks later return to your mind-dumping journal and on your right-side jot down any reactions, questions, revelations or thoughts on what you wrote on the left.
3. Elicit other people's views on you, ask for candid feedback from your friends, family, coach or colleagues.

Questions Dr. Helena recommends you use to get accurate feedback.

• What adjectives would you use to describe me?
• When I'm stressed, how do I behave?
• What is it like for you to be around me when I'm stressed like that?
• What annoys you about me?
• How can you tell when I'm trying to hide my annoyance?
• How do I express my negative emotions? Positive emotions?
• How do you know if I'm upset about something?
• If I were to be featured on the cover of a magazine, (use this with creative friends) which magazine would it be? what would be the headlines?
• what would be sample titles of featured articles? what would be the subtitles?
• what would the cover highlight about me?

By becoming self-aware, leaders can better understand their own emotions, reactions, and motivations. This understanding enables them to recognize when they might be projecting their own issues onto others, allowing them to manage their interactions more effectively. Self-awareness helps leaders create a healthier, more productive environment by ensuring they address their needs without confusing them with the needs of their team.