Key Actions to Strengthen Your Relationship with Students. Volume 6.

It’s already Thursday, and it’s time for the weekly tips to rock your relationships in the classroom. This week, I am bringing up the Pygmalion effect and how believing in our students can positively impact them. I'll also talk about how trust and patience are crucial to building these relationships.

Believe in them

One of the most beautiful things I have ever been told as a teacher was, “Because you believe in me, I did this. I believe in myself, and I achieved.” It is incredible how much influence the belief of those we trust can have on our outcomes. This is not just a nice thought, it is a scientifically proven fact.

Our kids are developing their brains, shaping their personalities, and trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in. It is extremely normal for them to feel insecure, full of doubts, and sometimes struggle with self-esteem. We also see the other extreme, those very confident kiddos who might even come off as arrogant at times.

And this is where we intervene, in both scenarios. The overconfident ones are often simpler to handle, and sometimes they can even be even funny.

I always share a story from when I was 20 years old, studying English. I was upset because I had been placed in a middle-level English class instead of a higher level. I was not motivated, and I was underperforming. The director of the academy called me to her office. She found this cocky student who felt unfairly treated and certain he deserved a better level. She looked at me, and in a respectful but honest way, said, “Listen, you come here thinking you know a lot and that you are an advanced student, but the reality is you are not. You are not showing anything, even now in your group, so I believe your placement is correct.”

I was so angry at her. My immediate reaction was, “What? She thinks I am not good enough? Let me prove her wrong!” That week I nailed it, I worked really hard, focused intensely, and became the top student in my class. I was moved to the top level of the academy. At the time, I thought I had won that battle, proving her wrong.

But in reality, she had won. She not only helped me improve my English but also taught me a lifelong lesson. She motivated me, pushed me to the next level, and even taught me not to be cocky, although it took me a few more years to fully understand that part.

When I share this story with my students, they love it. It shows them that I am human, that I have made mistakes, listened, changed, and grown. It also teaches them that the moment you think you know everything is the moment you stop learning. This story works wonders with my "know-it-all" students. In the end, they become grateful and start pushing themselves to new levels.

On the other end, we have the more difficult cases, those kids who lack confidence and do not believe in themselves. And again, that is when our role becomes crucial.

A student who does not believe in themselves needs someone who does. They need to hear it every single day: “You can do it. I believe in you.” But not only words. Yes, they need those words, but they also need to see it in your actions.

Celebrate the little victories, make it a big thing when they do well, and tell them, “You see, I told you, you know more than you think. You are better than you think. I believe in you.” Be with them during the process, stay close, and make sure they feel you are there believing in them. Make sure they know you are convinced they will make it and never stop believing.

Those are the happiest faces you will see, the most grateful kids, the ones who will look at you and tell you “I made it because of you. Without you, I would not be here.” And what is more beautiful than that when you are a teacher? That is what we are here for.

In one of the schools I worked at in the past, students in a certain grade would not take an exam if the teachers did not believe they could achieve the highest grades. They were moved to a different class the following year, where they would decide whether to take the exam or just follow the school program. Writing this feels like a stab in the heart. This is not how I see education at all.

After a week of teaching them, they told me, “Hey Se?or Borja, we love you, you are great, but we are not good at this. We are not gonna make it, do not waste your time with us.” I had never felt that sad in my career before. How could the school fail them that badly?

At that point, I put academics as a secondary priority and focused on rebuilding their confidence. Through the subject, I helped them believe in themselves. I showed them they were capable, and by the end of the year, all of them took the exam and passed it.

All I did was work on their self-confidence. The rest followed naturally. By believing in them, they began to believe in themselves. Most importantly, we built a strong bond because, finally, someone treated them like any other student, believing they could achieve.

I even had one student achieve the highest grade in the country in one of the skills. I still cannot explain how that happened. I did not expect it, even in the weeks leading up to the exam. But this shows how crucial it is that we believe in our kids.

Those students had been left out, and nobody believed they could achieve what they did. Even they had given up. The moment they saw someone believing in them, they began to believe in themselves too.

Isn’t it beautiful?

Trust

This is, together with respect, the most important word in any relationship. If you fail the trust they put in you, the relationship is over. Adiós, see you later, amigo. So, the first thing I am going to tell you, and please remember this for the rest of your teaching career: NEVER, like NEVER EVER, promise them something you cannot deliver.

Do not tell them you will keep something they share with you in confidence and then break that promise. Do not say, "If you do this, I will do that," and then not follow through. That is the worst thing you can do when building a relationship. Be clear with yourself and with them about the school policies. Know what you can keep confidential, what you must share, what you can talk about, and what you should never discuss.

Remember, you are their teacher, hopefully one of their trusted adults, but there are things you should never discuss. Refer to your school policies, your admin, and your counseling team. Policies vary from school to school and country to country, but as a golden rule, you can never keep something confidential if there is a risk of physical or mental harm to anyone. The well-being of the school community is the top priority. Make this clear before they share sensitive information, because you have a duty of care. Disclosing information to avoid harm is not breaking the students' trust; it is complying with the basic rules of duty of care. Set clear boundaries and rules to make sure there are no grey areas where they might feel betrayed or lose trust in you.

With that said, by all means, keep your doors open for anything they may need. Anything they want to discuss, if they feel anxious, angry, sad, be there to listen. Yes, our counselors are the right people to handle many situations, but sometimes students do not see them as their go-to person. You are their homeroom teacher, their subject teacher, the one with whom they build the main bond. You are often their first contact. Be the trusted adult for them, so they feel safe coming to you when they are worried about something, whether it is about themselves or others. Open your doors not just as someone who helps them academically, but as someone who ensures they are okay, healthy, and that their wellbeing is taken care of.

Being this person can save them from many dangers, improve their lives, and even make the school a better place. We need to be approachable so they trust us enough to disclose important information. Then, we do not need to handle everything ourselves, because that is not our job, but we must follow the policies and guide them to the right people who can help. Of course, if there are minor issues where you can give your opinion, your support, or relate to any experience you may have had, go ahead. Most of the time, they just need to be heard and to know they have someone they can rely on. But if it is something major, guide them to the right people or report it yourself.

The most important thing is their wellbeing, and if you have clearly explained what you need to disclose and where the boundaries are, it should not affect the relationship you have with them. Hopefully, you will continue being someone important to them and remain the trusted adult they need when something goes wrong.

How honored we should feel to have the duty to look after the next generations, to help them when they need it, and to watch them grow. We truly have the best job in the world.

Patience

In Spain, we usually say "Patience is the mother of all science," and while I’m not sure if that’s true, one thing is for sure, you can’t be a teacher without it. I thought that with time, I would lose my patience little by little. Surprisingly, it has been the other way around. The longer I work as a teacher, the more I learn to be patient in the classroom. I understand them, and I realize that I will need to explain things and give the instructions over a million times. A conversation with my class might go like this: ‘I emphasize, before you ask me, you need to do this, this, and this. Is it clear?’ They would say yes, and then, two seconds later, someone would put their hand up and ask the question I just answered. It still amazes me how, despite the students having the instructions written down and me reminding them during the exam literally 10 times that they have to answer in Spanish (or English, depending on the exam), there is still one, or FIVE, students who answer in the wrong language. Like, Seriously! We all have a million anecdotes like this.

On a more serious note, patience is key when building relationships with students. They each have their own processes. They learn at their own pace and develop at their own speed, whether it’s organizational skills, social skills, or academic skills. Each student will progress at a different rate in each area. So, rule number one: respect that. Be patient. They will get there (maybe you won’t see it), but you need to be there, helping them by repeating and doing the same things over and over again. Sometimes we need a different perspective if something isn’t working, and that’s okay. Be prepared to find solutions, come up with ideas that may never work, and also seeing students improve massively or dropping when you don′t expect. Patience. We are all on our own path.

Not only should we be patient with their learning process, but also with how they behave. They may disappoint you several times but do not lose it. Give them one more chance until they meet the expectations or until they deliver the best they can. One of the most important ways to use your patience is when students are misbehaving, being disruptive, talking over you, or even being disrespectful. Do not take it personally. Breathe deeply and, again, respond calmly. If you lose your patience, you will react in ways that can damage your relationship with them. Whether you're addressing their behavior or working on something academic where they just don't get it, do not show that you're frustrated. Especially when it comes to academic challenges, the damage to their self-esteem can be considerable. Remember, you are there to help them build confidence, not break it down.

Being a teacher brings challenges but also opportunities. Training yourself to be patient in class and building this capacity over the years will also help you in your personal life, with your family, friends, or even your hobbies. If you have any doubt about how important patience is, you can ask my wife. She’s not a teacher, but she’s definitely mastered her patience because of me.