Kermit the Fraud

I will forever be baffled by the apparent inability of the general public to see through transparently dishonest hucksters.

To be clear, I’m not talking about people like Bill Cosby, who have dark personal lives which contrast starkly with a truly believable veneer of goodness. I’m specifically referring to people who are obviously disingenuous, and who obviously have no integrity. The ones who don’t even appear to be trying to conceal their depraved narcissism, yet they amass a huge following of sycophants and believers. But perhaps the answer lies in the alignment of self-interests.

Take Benito Mussolini, Il Duce, the father of Italian Fascism. He is credited with being a charismatic speaker. But when he gave speeches, he would stick out his bottom lip so far during applause breaks, in some sort of defiant poutiness, that today it is impossible to believe that anyone ever took him seriously. It was such tacky ham acting that it made Vince McMahon look like Laurence Olivier. It was honestly that bad.

Or take Jon “Bones” Jones, who somehow remained emaciated while taking steroids, due to all of the cocaine. During a split-screen TV interview opposite nemesis Daniel Cormier, Jones tried to look like an innocent choir boy while the cameras were on, but reverted to pure gutter trash when they were off. As I recently said on Twitter, If they had a division for juiced-up serial cheaters with sub-75 IQs who have injured pregnant women, he'd be the champ for sure. Undisputed.

What about other people who are so blatantly fake it makes me want to yell at my TV? One glance at these people should tell you everything you need to know about them. I don’t care what anyone says, you can judge a book by its cover, at least when it comes to these rotten individuals. People are surprised that disgraced baseball player Rafael Palmeiro, who had to refer to his notes to remember when to point his finger for effect, lied to the US government about taking steroids? That the smooth-talking John Edwards used campaign donations to cover up cheating on his cancer-stricken wife? That Anthony Weiner, a visceral slimeball right out of central casting, became a sex offender by trying to seduce a 15-year-old girl under the pseudonym Carlos Danger?

Really? Seriously, really?

All of these people had legions of followers, people who apparently possess zero ability to read other humans. No wonder there are so many scams, schemes, and suckers.

You don’t need many followers to be a terrible person. But it certainly helps to have some, or at least a bit of notoriety from even a sliver of celebrity. Kermit Washington is a person who attempted to parlay such a status into a permanent life of luxury, long after his playing days in the NBA had ended.

Washington is most famous for an incident on December 9, 1977, when a commotion was developing during a game between the LA Lakers and the Houston Rockets. Rudy Tomjanovich, running over to offer assistance to his teammates, was arbitrarily sucker-punched so hard by Washington that he nearly died. Tomjanovich suffered a broken nose, a broken jaw, and a cerebral concussion. Oh, and that liquid he could taste leaking into his mouth, besides the blood, turned out to be spinal fluid.

Kermit Washington is a meathead. He was also born in Washington, DC, the capital city of both America and of fake people who will do anything to get your money. Kermit the Fraud faced up to 40 years in prison for identity theft and filing false tax returns. Specifically, he ran a charity called Project Contact, which claimed that it had “touched the lives of over one million Africans in need.” In reality, Washington used the charity to launder kickback money, and then spend it on lavish vacations, shopping sprees, plastic surgery for his girlfriend, and payments to a former prostitute. It’s been called one of the largest software piracy schemes in history.

Washington has now been sentenced to six years in prison, and has been fined just under a million dollars.

For his part, Rudy Tomjanovich appears to be a man of stark contrast with his assailant. Although his playing career would end early, Rudy T would go on to coach his old team, the Houston Rockets, to back-to-back NBA Championships in 1994 and 1995. He was beloved by his players for his hands-off approach, with superstars such as Scottie Pippen, Charles Barkley, and Clyde Drexler being granted wishes to play for him. He also works with an actual charity, the Texas Children’s Cancer Center. And to top it all off, he forgave, and feels sorry for, Washington.

I don’t believe any penalty is too severe for someone who robs honest people, or who uses the guise of altruism to line their own pockets. Kermit Washington should be rounded up with anyone who has ever stolen from a poppy fund in November, and they should all be sent on a one-way trip to outer space. No more sending monkeys and dogs. Send beings who are actually lower life forms.

It’s up to all of us to hone and refine our people-reading skills. Whether you learn poker, read up on body language, or simply challenge others to demonstrate transparency in exchange for your time or money, we must stand up to these soulless ninnies. There are no Nigerian princes coming to your aid. Most of us will only gain success if we shut up and work hard, and it’s a shame if we allow the lazy and unscrupulous to chip away at our modest savings or unjustly earn our support.

Beware of fame whores who have rarely, or never, had to rely on a 9-5 job. They will view it as an indignity and do anything to avoid it. Know who you’re dealing with and where your money is going. Stop being fooled by people just because they belong to your political party or play for your team. Stop letting them use collectivism and hero worship against you. Teach the bad guys this lesson:

It’s not easy stealin’ green.