Keeping People Pleasing from Making You Miserable

We all want to make those we care about happy, but Sometimes called co-dependency or insecure attachment, people pleasing means doing things to please other people?at the expense?of taking care of yourself and/or believing it is your responsibility to make other people happy

Signs of People Pleasing

Unresponsive to your own needs

Relationships are unsatisfying

Inauthentic

Identity unclear / low self-esteem

Approval needed

Apologizing for things you don’t need to

Abandonment fears

Unsafe

Feel guilty or scared setting (and maintaining) boundaries

Motivations

Physical: To be safe and keep everyone else calm

Affective: To be happy???

Cognitive: Because I am supposed to make others happy?

Relational:?

External validation and abandonment prevention

To be loved

To have people be grateful/attentive

To manipulate others into doing for me

To make myself indispensable

What are your motivations for people pleasing?

Impacts

Physical

Lack of sleep

Physical stress

Increased pain

Affective/Cognitive

Resentment

Guilt for not being able to please everyone all the time

Loss of personal purpose

Over-Responsible

Relational

Staying in dysfunctional relationships

Reduced self-esteem – Believing other people’s unhappiness are their responsibility

Addressing It

Physical

Sleep

Slow, deep breathing

Pain management

Affective / Cognitive

Develop?distress tolerance skills : TAGS

Address: All or nothing thinking, personalization, catastrophizing, mind reading

Examine how people pleasing protected you in the past

Explore the relationships that taught you to people please

Process traumas

Who taught you that you must people please to be loved and accepted?

Are there any factors, perspectives of things that you might not have considered.

How did the experience shape your beliefs about your ability to be loved? To love and trust others?

What can you do to feel empowered and safe to be authentic and take care of yourself?

How is the need to people please influencing your health? Mood? Attitude? Relationships??

Relational: Develop Security

?Consistency: Regular mindfulness

Responsiveness: Respond to your needs so you can be effective when needed (sharpen the saw)

Authenticity: Enhance your self-esteem and awareness; practice honesty

Validation: Don’t blame or judge yourself

Encouragement: Recognize your strengths, Practice tragic optimism

Safety: Respond don’t react (BETA Test); set and maintain boundaries; develop a support system

Abuse, neglect or unavailability of significant others can be traumatic.??Responding to that trauma often teaches people that people pleasing and inauthenticity are the only ways to stay safe.??People pleasing has a negative impact on everyone’s?health and mental health.??Addressing people pleasing begins with becoming mindful of your needs, exploring whether people pleasing is in your best interest, exploring what a healthy relationship would look like, developing self esteem and learning how to set and maintain boundaries so you can be secure?in your relationships.