Keeping the Faith: The Journey Through Spiritual Growth

One of the aspects of growing older is that things that once confused or frustrated me often become clear. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but it usually does.

One of the most frustrating times in my life, without exception, was the 14 years I spent starting a church in Orlando. I was 32 and had:

• An engineering degree and experience with General Motors,
• Worked on my MBA and understood leadership,
• A seminary degree and experience on a good church staff in a large church, and
• Successfully grown a medium-sized church while also daughtering a successful new church from it.

With these credentials, I felt like the best spiritual gift God could give the Northeast suburbs of Orlando. Little did I know, God had much more in mind than simply planting another mega-church.

Hundreds of lives were changed for eternity during those fourteen years, and God did some amazing things. However, the church never grew beyond 200 people, and I felt like a failure.

No matter how much prayer, Bible study, spiritual discipline, strategic planning, disciple-making, emotional processing, goal setting, leadership development, or systems analysis I practiced—people came, and people went.

Struggling to Find Success

I have never worked harder for anything in my life. We struggled financially, and emotionally, and eventually, I had no energy left.

No matter how much I poured into the church or pleaded with God, we never gained momentum.

So, I resorted to what I knew—going back to school—because I had learned that the more effort you put in, the better grades you get.

I earned my Ph.D. in Psychometrics, became a faculty member at the University of Central Florida, and loved it. My students and fellow faculty appreciated me, and I thought I had finally found my niche.

Then, new leadership came into the college, and all the non-tenured faculty were let go.

Once again, I found myself feeling like a failure.

A Well-Worn Path of Spiritual Growth

Looking back, I can now see what I couldn’t at the time—I was going through a well-worn path of spiritual growth.

God’s caring hand, which had built me up in the disciplines of my early faith, was now tearing down all that I valued.

I had read about the stages of spiritual growth and leadership before, but until you experience them, it’s only head knowledge.

God wanted to do something much deeper in my life.

• Early on, He taught me disciplines, boundaries, and principles to live by—He was building the container of my life.
• But as I entered the second half of life, God wanted to fill that container with an inner life rooted in Him.

I never “lost” my faith, but during this time, God didn’t seem to respond in a way I appreciated.

I remember telling a friend:

"I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall, and the brick wall is God. I can’t get over it or go around it. All I can do is sit and be faithful in the little things."

Learning to Trust in the Unknown

Slowly, I learned to trust God when things didn’t go as I wanted.

I noticed attitudes and behaviors inside me that surprised me.

• I read Scripture differently.
• I prayed differently.
• I learned to be faithful in the little things instead of worrying about the big things.
• I finally became content in a life of obscurity.

Eventually, I experienced what Dallas Willard describes as the four stages of brokenness:

1?? Surrender – Giving the situation to God. 2?? Abandonment – Offering my whole life to God. 3?? Contentment – Experiencing the peace of God. 4?? Participation – Becoming involved in the work of God, often in a much different way than before.

Looking Back with Gratitude

This was over 20 years ago, and today I am amazed at God’s grace through this process.

Spiritual growth has been studied and defined in many ways, but each generation—and each person—must experience it to truly understand it.

In fact, those in earlier stages of faith often struggle to understand those in later stages.

• The earlier stages can judge those further along as na?ve, simple, or "checked out."
• But the later stages can look back with grace and understanding, knowing the journey that led them there.

Ironically, I used to judge those further along in their faith, and now I experience the same judgment from those still caged in earlier stages.

Moving Beyond Performance-Based Faith

In the first half of life, we spend a lot of effort securing spiritual stability, personal significance, and productivity.

But then, through brokenness, we discover that this isn’t enough.

Only through total exasperation and surrender do we enter the second half—where we experience God’s grace at the deepest levels.

Unfortunately, far too many people get stuck in the first half, where performance and production reign.

As a result, they never experience the grace and freedom that come through brokenness and restoration.

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