Keep Your Distance

It is interesting that when we have discussions with people that are very bad at relationships and people that are very good at relationships, one clear difference stands out.

The Worst Situations

The people in business that have relationships that are stalled out and going nowhere (or getting worse and they do not know it) are the ones that have an event or interaction and then feel a feeling. They quickly respond to the email, the phone call, the voice mail or what was said. In most cases, they are logically brilliant, ….

We have a manager of a division of a large organization who was smart and experienced. He was also exceptionally busy with all the projects he had going on so he had limited time and energy. By his nature, he was also somewhat impatient.

As he had experiences with the head of another division, he reacted hard and fast. Over the course of a year, they quit talking to each other unless they absolutely had to. Instead of preventing problems and using the synergy of two different divisions within the company, they interacted as distant competitors.

What We Believe

Before we share the approach we taught this manager, I want to go on record to make sure you understand the following:

·        Feelings do matter. 

·        Being genuine and truthful is important. 

·        Sharing your truth is absolutely part of important relationships. 

·        However, those truths are no excuse to do damage, accidental or intended, to other people.

·        Feelings can also betray and come from signals deep inside of us that we are not aware of. If we are getting a false message from our feelings, we may cause a minor trivial non-issue to actually become a major full blown war and potential destruction of a relationship. We have all seen this to often.

·        Communication must have logic/intellectual value in its thoughtfulness to get better results; communication must also convey the right tones and emotions to reinforce and grow relationships. 

The Critical Element

The critical element is the distance between a feeling and reacting. The stronger the feeling, usually the longer the amount of time/distance we usually need (although we should not always wait to respond. In some cases we need to quickly and strongly respond, but we will discuss that in a future article.)

The distance, amount of time between the feeling and reacting, allows us to choose what and how to react in the best interest of everyone involved. In the above real life example, the relationship had been destroyed to a point where neither leader wanted to interact with each other. This was bad for the organization since they needed to interact.

After much discussion, we suggested the following:

1.   View the interaction as a game and be clear on the win for both of you and the company.

2.   Whether it is email, text, a phone call or face to face interaction, never respond with anything other than “that is interesting.” Or “give me a few days to think about it” or if per chance it is a good idea “yes”.

3.   To protect yourself, after an interaction, send an email indicating what was agreed to (or not agreed to) and cc: the CEO. Ensure that the message is not just accurate but also kind, supportive and balanced.

4.   At the beginning of each session, ask about his family, one of his hobbies or how his weekend was.

5.   When you feel a conflict approaching, remember that a conflict today does not have to tomorrow’s war.

Over the course of 90 days, as they interacted with the above rules of engagement, they began to build a partnership. They started to get results that were noticed publicly by the other divisions of the organizations. The other division manager also said, “I cannot believe how well we work together. I like working with you!”. While they will never be best buddies, in a relatively short period of time, by slowing down the reactions, the relationship and results achieved levels that neither one of them thought was possible.

Where Does This Eventually Go?: Full Self Awareness and Maturity

I remember my grandfather telling me at a young age, “Donald, if how you feel, think and act are in alignment, you will have a great life!”. That was great wisdom.

However, over the years, much pain has come when these three pieces of my life are not in sync. It can take time to get them in alignment. When I was younger, I would feel horrible stress until I was “aligned”.

Now, I have another perspective. At the end of some days I feel like a failure and what I am doing is not working. However, I go home knowing (thinking) that this is not true. Instead of trying to get it synced up and putting lots of energy into fixing it, I enjoy my evening even though I feel bad since I know it is not real. A good nights sleep allows me the next morning to take the feelings off the shelf and review if what I am doing is not working. Some times it is not, however, most times it is working out. My feelings had simply betrayed me and so by not reacting negatively, I did not ruin my evening and that of those around me.

So next time you want to react. Consider not reacting. Rarely do we need to react as swiftly as we desire to react. Take time to allow the perceptions to get clear.

If you will teach this to your people (leaders, followers, children, family) It is a much better way to live! You will find both relationships and results in your personal and business life are much better!