KEEP CALM AND DON'T SAY NO!

In a multi-dimensional country like India, it’s very difficult to conceive of a typical mind set. Everyone typically complains of other people’s rigid mind sets without realising that usually we are victims of our own mind sets. Our faith and beliefs define our mind sets.

What is a mind set? Typically a mind set is the sum total of our beliefs and attitudes. These help us to navigate through life.

In educational circles today, there is a lot of conversation about growth mind sets and fixed mind sets. Dr.Carol Dweck, the Lewis and Virginia Eaton Professor of Psychology at Stanford University in her book ‘Mind set ‘has discussed this in detail. She talks about a fixed mind set and a growth mind set.

What sense does all this jargon make to a parent who is struggling with another exam; another night out or another sick child?
A lot. If u understand the key concepts of this thought process.
The book Secret by Rhonda Byrne revealed that the biggest motivator is your belief.  If you believe in yourself you will succeed. 
Dweck reinforces this in her book. The theory of growth mind set strongly believes that the success of a person is not so much determined by his DNA as by his will to work and grow. 
Traditionally it is believes that intelligence is defined by the DNA. An intelligent person is born to another one. But these two books reveal that success or intelligence, both are functions that need to be worked upon. They are not independent of hard work and sheer will power.

 One can have two ways to approach an issue.  One is to complain about fate and cry over the fact that that all tragedy happens only in your life. The second is to take charge and do what it takes to get out of the problem. To take the second approach is called the growth mind set.

A recent movie that I watched ‘NIL BATTEY SANNATA’ exemplifies this growth mind set.

The mother works as a maid and wants her daughter to be educated. The daughter’s aim in life is to become a maid as she feels that a doctor begets a doctor and a maid begets a maid. The daughter has a fixed mind set- a traditional one that defines her role in society. This mind set does not permit her to be ambitious. It doesn’t motivate her to study in school. It takes her nowhere.
The mother doesn’t take this lightly. She wants her daughter to change her destiny. She realises she has to change her daughter’s attitude to study and work. She enrolls into the same school to help her daughter learn math .Math is the biggest pain point in her daughter’s life. Coaching classes are expensive and the mother realises she can’t enroll her daughter in such class.   
The daughter takes up the challenge to do well in math under the condition that her mother will leave school if the daughter scores more marks than the mother.
The daughter slowly begins to realise that her intelligence is not limited by her birth but her lack of conviction in   herself. The movie ends with the daughter being selected for the Indian Civil Services.

Fixed mind sets are self-limiting. It tells you what you cannot do; not what you can do. Traditionally we believe that we can do only so much, so we never challenge ourselves.

Growth mind sets give us the freedom to explore to challenge ourselves and to grow. One very important way is to talk to children about their strengths and keep reminding them that they have the capability to do anything.

A child keeps learning till he begins to hear the word ‘NO!’ As the number of ‘NOs’ increase his self-limiting beliefs increase. 

The brain believes what it is constantly told. The more you tell your child s/he can't do things the more the brain reinforces that belief.
This is where growth mind set works in appositive manner. It helps break this vicious cycle of self-limiting ideas.
When you see your child struggling with something- may be math or history don't keep telling the child that s/he cannot do it. Tell your child it’s possible to learn.  The more the idea is reinforced, the more it will help encourage growth. When they are infants we want them to learn but as they grow older we set our beliefs on them and limit their potential.

I do not say we shouldn't warn children about physical dangers. We MUST. It is essential. But the tendency is to not allow children to do things or experiment what they are curious about as we fear failure. We do not want them to face failure. We demand success in everything.

This leads them to believe that one should undertake something if and only if one is sure about success. We expect our kids to have defined outcomes which will lead to definite goals.

A constant statement that most kids hear from adults when they want to learn something new is ...do what u are doing now properly. We do not give them the freedom to explore. This is because adults are often tied down by their fixed mind-sets.  We tend to believe that children have intrinsic traits that don't  need working upon. 
The most amazing thing is that people with growth mind sets soon convert into ones with fixed mind sets. They begin to believe that their way is the right way.
Parents and adults need to realise that kids have a totally different playing field and the rules will be different.  Children need to find their own way. They have to create their own techniques. As they find solutions they will develop their own mind sets which will help them grow.

1. Talk to yourself before you tell your child No.
2. Think why you are saying no for a particular activity?
3. Is it physically dangerous? Can it be done with enough precaution? If yes, how is your NO justified?
4. Is your NO killing your child’s passion?
5. Is your NO because you know nothing about what he talking?
6. What are the consequences of YES? ( mostly you will find your child learning something new)
7. Are you afraid your child will fail? ( compare it to the learning your child will have)
8. Are you telling your child that he is intrinsically intelligent and hence doesn't need to work on it? 
9. Ask your child what his inner voice tells him?
10. Do you praise your child or his effort? 

 For further reading:

https://mindsetonline.com/changeyourmindset/firststeps/