JUST WORK

DISENTANGLEhttps://www.justworktogether.com/the-book BIAS, PREJUDICE AND BULLYING

Have you ever had a “gobsmacked” moment at work? Someone says or does something that just leaves you speechless. Even the next day it’s hard to process what happened?

I’ve had too many of those moments. One thing that has helped me know what to say when I don’t know what to say is to distinguish between bias, prejudice, and bullying. Each is different, and demands a different response. Bias is “not meaning it.” Prejudice is “meaning it.” And bullying is “being mean.”

What’s the best way to respond to each?

Here's an excerpt from my next book, Just Work: Get Sh*t Done Fast and Fair.

 RESPONDING TO BIAS

USE AN “I” STATEMENT TO INVITE THE PERSON TO SEE THINGS FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE

If it is bias you’re confronting, you may choose to help the person notice the mistake. It’s not your job to educate the person who just harmed you. But you may choose to do the work because saying something may cost you less emotionally than remaining silent. If that’s the case, you’re not calling the person out; you’re inviting the person in to understand your perspective. Easier said than done. Quick rule of thumb: even if you don’t know what to say, start with the word “I.” Starting with the word “I” invites the person to consider things from your point of view—why what they said or did seemed biased to you.

The easiest “I” statement is the simple factual correction. For example, in the safety-pin story above, I could’ve said, “I’m about to go onstage and give a talk; I think one of the staffers in the yellow T-shirts can help you find a safety pin.” Or the executive who was handed the car keys could have said, “I think you’ve confused me with the valet. I am your CEO, not your valet, here to serve, but in a different capacity.”

I spent some time, time you won’t have in the moment, editing those two suggestions. An “I” statement doesn’t need to be perfect; doesn’t have to be clever or witty. It can even be clumsy. The point is to say something if you decide you want to respond. My great-grandmother needlepointed pillows for her four daughters with the words “Say something. You can always take it back.” I find this a useful mantra for such moments when I want to respond but don’t know what to say.

An “I” statement can also let a colleague know you have been harmed without being antagonistic or judgmental. For example, “I don’t think you meant to imply what I heard; I’d like to tell you how it sounded to me . . .” An “I” statement can be clear about the harm done while also inviting your colleague to perceive things the way you do or to realize that an incorrect assumption was made.

An “I” statement is a generous response to someone else’s unconscious bias. It may be more emotionally satisfying to say, “Don’t you realize what a pig you’re being when you say that?” But shaming is an ineffective strategy. When a person feels attacked or labeled (e.g.,

“They’re calling me a sexist/racist/homophobe/other label”), it’s much harder for the person to be open to your feedback.

Another benefit of an “I” statement is that it’s a good way to figure out where the other person is coming from. If people respond politely or apologetically, it will confirm your diagnosis of unconscious bias. If they double down or go on the attack, then you’ll know you’re dealing with prejudice or bullying.

What if you’re not sure it’s bias? It’s OK. You don’t have to be 100 percent sure to speak up. Whether you’re right or wrong, your feedback is a gift. When you speak up, remain open to the possibility that you’re wrong about which attitude is behind the behavior, yet also confident in your own perception—this is how it struck you. If you’re right and it was bias, you’ve given the person an opportunity to learn; if you’re wrong, you’ve given the person an opportunity to explain what was meant. Either way, if a colleague’s comment feels “off,” it’s often worth exploring further. Though I want to acknowledge there are times when the risks clearly outweigh the rewards. I am not saying you “should” speak up. I am offering you a way to think about how to speak up if you want to.

RESPONDING TO PREJUDICE

USE AN “IT” STATEMENT

What do you say when people consciously believe that the stereotypes they are spouting off about are true—when you are confronting active prejudice rather than unconscious bias?

It’s hard to respond to bias, but it’s much harder to respond when people believe that your gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, socioeconomic background, or any other personal attribute makes you incapable or inferior in some way.

One, if you’re like me, prejudice makes you madder than bias. I am way more pissed off when someone asserts that it’s been scientifically proven that women are biologically programmed to be this or that than I am when someone makes a remark that reveals some unconscious bias. Anger can make it harder to respond—especially for people who are not “allowed” to show anger as a result of bias. It’s bias piled on top of prejudice.

Two, you’re probably less optimistic that a confrontation will result in change when it’s prejudice rather than bias that you’re dealing with. People won’t apologize for their prejudiced beliefs just because you point them out; they know what they think. So why bother discussing it? The reason to confront prejudice is to draw a bright line between that person’s right to believe whatever they want and your right not to have that belief imposed upon you. Using an “It” statement is an effective way to demarcate this boundary.

One type of “It” statement appeals to human decency: “It is disrespectful/cruel/et cetera to . . .” For example, “It is disrespectful to call a grown woman a girl.” Another references the policies or a code of conduct at your company: For example, “It is a violation of our company policy to hang a Confederate flag above your desk. It invokes slavery and will harm our team’s ability to collaborate.” The third invokes the law: For example, “It is illegal to refuse to hire women.”

RESPONDING TO BULLYING

USE A “YOU” STATEMENT 

What is the difference between bullying and conflict? Here’s a simple way to think about it, adapted from the work of PACER, a nonprofit that leads a bullying prevention center.

A bully is often emboldened by some sort of illegitimate status. I use the words “in-group status” (e.g., being white when the majority of leaders are white, or having a degree from a university that is particularly respected at the company), not “power,” deliberately here. When I talk about bullying, I’m talking about behavior between people who don’t have positional power over one another. Once positional power enters the equation, bullying becomes harassment. 

When someone is bullying you, the person’s goal is to harm you. Telling the person you are being harmed is just going to result in more bad behavior. Ignoring bullies doesn’t work, either. The only way to stop bullying is to create negative consequences for the person doing the bullying. Only when bullying stops being practical or enjoyable will bullies alter their behavior.

When you’re the victim of bullying, though, you often feel powerless to stop it. One way to push back is to confront the person with a “You” statement, as in “What’s going on for you here?” or “You need to stop talking to me that way.” A “You” statement is a decisive action, and it can be surprisingly effective in changing the dynamic. That’s because the bully is trying to put you in a submissive role, to demand that you answer the questions to shine a scrutinizing spotlight on you. When you reply with a “You” statement, you are now taking a more active role, asking them to answer the questions, shining a scrutinizing spotlight on them.

An “I” statement invites the person to consider your perspective; an “It” statement establishes a clear boundary beyond which the other person should not go. With a “You” statement, you are talking about the bully, not yourself. People can let your statement lie or defend themselves against it, but they are playing defense rather than offense in either case.

I don’t relish conflict, so “You” statements don’t come naturally. My impulse, when someone harms me, is to let that person know how the behavior made me feel. It was my daughter who first pointed out to me that showing that kind of vulnerability when you are being bullied is counterproductive.

She had come home one day from school upset that a kid whom I’ll call Austin was giving her a hard time on the playground. I advised her to give Austin the benefit of the doubt, to say something along the lines of “When you knock my lunch off the table, I get really hungry, and it hurts my feelings.” That got me a big eye roll. Her teacher had made a recommendation along the same lines. “What is wrong with adults?”my daughter wanted to know. “Why don’t you get it? Austin is trying to hurt my feelings! If I say, ‘What you did hurt my feelings,’ it’s like saying, ‘Good job, Austin, mission accomplished, you did what you wanted to do.’ It’s like giving Austin a cookie for being mean to me!”

My daughter was absolutely correct.

Read more at Just Work.