Just say no: Why something that should be easy is so difficult to do

So much of the advice you see on LinkedIn falls into the “easy to say, but hard to do” variety. In fact, I often question how much of the advice actually gets followed at all by the people giving it – even when it’s excellent.

Case in point?

Saying "no."

It’s just one word.

How difficult can saying no be? Well, it depends.

For some people, it's a major challenge.

?? Why we struggle with 'no'

Saying no comes easily to a few people, but for the majority of us, it's hard work. I've struggled with saying no in the past and still do at times. However, I've gotten much better at dealing with conflict over the years and now often push back on things that don't make sense or are a waste of resources.

But that's just me. What about others? How much of a struggle is this really for most people?

I recently ran a poll on how hard it is to say “no” at work. Here is how it broke down:

• Only 14% said it was easy to say no
• 30% said it was difficult to say no
• The majority – 57% – said it depends on the situation

Why is saying no difficult, or at least challenging, for 87% of the people who took my poll?

This article from the Harvard Business Review offers some insights,

“For most of us, saying no doesn’t come naturally. You feel lousy disappointing a colleague, guilty about turning down your boss, and anxious denying a client’s request.”

We have to build our ability to say no over time.

In my poll, some of the people who struggle with saying no are highly accomplished, executive-level professionals. This is not something that only young people deal with.

Here is another reason for that.

Saying no can feel like it carries a risk of harming important relationships. This observation from a second HBR article offers helpful context on why saying no is challenging:

"Saying no is hard because we are a species that (sadly) treats agreement as affection and denial as rejection. When people disagree with us or turn us down, we routinely (and typically incorrectly) interpret it as evidence of enmity. Those who decline our invitations, disagree with our ideas, or oppose our plans feel like threats. So, we safely assume others will feel the same when we turn them down."

Getting past those fundamental issues with saying no is difficult enough, but I've often found an additional factor to be at play.

Many situations fall into a gray area at work where requests aren't flat out wrong or inappropriate, but still require saying no. For example,

• A request makes sense to do for your company or department, but somebody else should really do it.
• It's a worthwhile effort, but the timeline is unrealistic.
• Somebody you respect asks you to do something, but you feel uncomfortable about some aspect of it.

Those are all instances when it's tough to say no.

However, if you say yes in those situations, the consequences can be negative. Not having enough time to do quality work is one. Missed deadlines. Burnout. The list is long.

Establishing that you will say no also sets up expectations for how people will treat you. It helps create effective boundaries.

"You define the contours of your character and the shape of your life by what you say 'no' to. For example, saying no to invitations is the way you safeguard the attention you need to say yes to what matters most. Saying no to demands that compromise your values is how you secure your hold on those values. Articulating your reservations about a proposal is the work of acquainting yourself with your own thoughts." - Joseph Grenny

?? Making it easier to say 'no'

At this point, I think most of you still reading this article agree that saying no doesn’t come easily. It can be a struggle. Most likely, you will want to come up with a plan to be successful.

You're in luck.

Here is some great advice from HBR:

Do

• Evaluate whether you have the desire and the bandwidth to help with the request and ask if priorities can be shifted or trade-offs made
• Show a willingness to pitch in by inquiring if there are small ways you can be helpful to the project
• Practice saying no out loud — eventually it will become easier

Don’t

• Use a harsh or hesitant tone, and don’t be overly polite either. Instead, strive for a steady and clear no
• Hold back the real reason you’re saying no. To limit frustration, give reasons with good weight up front
• Distort your message or act tentatively because you’re trying to keep your colleague happy. Be honest and make sure your no is understood

Following that simple, direct framework is a great way to set yourself up for success.

?? Back to where we started

I just offered about 700 words of advice on saying no, but I’m not going to lie to you. I don’t nail the art of saying no every time. Although it happens far less now than it did at the beginning of my career, I sometimes say yes when my gut - or brain - is saying no.

This is going to be something I struggle with my whole life. I’ve come a long way, but the journey isn’t over. Far from it.

If you’re in the same boat, I don’t think you should feel bad. It’s good to be self-aware and work on the skill.

Don't beat yourself up.

In fact, getting better at saying no would make a great development goal for 2023.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey!

#leadership #growth #personaldevelopment #management