Just Say No…. when they’re asking too much… Emotional worth and boundaries ….. COVID TIMES ARE MORE AGGRESSIVE ….part 156

We loath to disappoint others, and we even go to extreme lengths to avoid uttering this slim but salient word.

Let people down gently

Saying no tends to be more of a struggle for women than for men, women had more difficulty saying no, and that personality  factors such as agreeableness and consciousness could not account for the gender difference.

Women who said yes tended to be more valued in the workplace, while those who turned down requests received worse performance reviews and fewer recommendations for promotions. They were also less well liked. Other research has shown that when women act assertively in pursuit of their interests, which could include saying no, they're punished by both men and women for violating gender stereotypes.

Boundaries can be defined as the limits we set with other people, which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behavior towards us. The ability to know our boundaries generally comes from a healthy sense of self-worth, or valuing yourself in a way that is not contingent on other people or the feelings they have toward you.

Unlike self-esteem (which some research has found to be strongly related to the relatively fixed personality dimensions of high extraversion  and low neuroticism), self-worth is finding intrinsic value

Knowing our boundaries and setting them are two very different hurdles to overcome. Setting boundaries does not always come easily. It's often a skill that needs to be learned.

Know your limits.

Clearly define what your intellectual, emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries are with strangers, work colleagues, friends, family, and intimate partners. Examine past experiences where you felt discomfort, anger, resentment or frustration with an individual. It may have been because your limits had been crossed.

Create a 'Boundary Chart' which outlines each boundary per each relationship category and fill it in with the boundary criteria you feel comfortable and safe with, and vice versa By creating this sort of template you have a benchmark to assess when someone may be overstepping your boundaries.

Your boundary criteria will evolve over time, so be sure to continuously update your chart with your growing experience and resulting needs.

Be assertive.

Creating and stating boundaries is great, but it's the follow-through that counts. The only way to truly alert others that your boundaries have been crossed is to be direct with them. Being assertive, particularly if you are unaccustomed to doing so, can be scary. So start small with something manageable and build up your assertive skill to larger tasks like these:

Voice your boundaries first, then follow with action. As long as you have tied up loose ends and given family members/friends/ex-partners or whoever it may be closure from any promises you may have made, you no longer owe them anything.

If you have asserted yourself and made it clear to another person that he or she is not respecting your boundaries, it is okay to ignore correspondence from that point forward. Remind yourself of your own worth, and that no one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable or take your self-defined space away from you.

Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensure discussion or debate. 

Thank you …A more humane way to turn down a request is to point out the impact a yes could have on others.

Presenting yourself as negotiating on behalf of others instead of yourself can lead to better results, as it stresses how much you value relationships:

 "If I do X for you, I can't do Y for someone else."

Because it's stressful to spit out a quick no, or it goes against our instincts to accommodate, that too many of us say "maybe" to requests when we have no intention of ever complying. If you're leaning toward no, go with no.Otherwise, you're getting the other person's hopes up, and the situation could get sticky.

Consider a friend who replies to your declining a night out by saying, "Well, I know you're not that busy because I saw on Facebook that you just got together with so-and-so."

You have to tell them that you don't feel right accounting for and justifying your time and your life .That's where you throw up a boundary, because they're overstepping. You know when a boundary is being pushed because you can feel it in your stomach. You just have to tell them it makes you uncomfortable.

Denial at the Office

Some people think that the boss just wants you to do what she says. If we're talking about knowledge workers, it would be foolish of that boss not to take into account your perspective. It is important to have a dialogue. If you think your boss is asking for something that's impossible or misguided, it is your duty to tell her that, nicely.

Managing your workload without appearing unambitious is a tricky feat. Saying yes to every opportunity and potential contact is practically a religion for contemporary go-getters. I don't disagree with this mind-set—when you're just starting out:

You never know where a connection will lead you, and you need to be expanding the raw numbers of your network. The problem is that, as you progress in your career, the invitations and requests only increase. If you continue to say yes to everything, you won't get any meaningful work done.

We don't like to alienate others, but if we cede to their wishes, we might grow to resent them.

The default in business culture is let's have lunch or let's have coffee. That can quickly become onerous. Instead, invite someone to an event you're already going to or organize a dinner where you can spend time with 10 people instead of just one.

Want to add word or two?

As challenging as it is to vocalize the word no, you would imagine it would be easier to type it.

But the research into our behavior in the online realm suggests that's not the case.

And that's a problem because social-media platforms are rife with manipulators seeking to take advantage of us. Our reflexive response to innocent-seeming prompts—clicking on links, accepting friend requests, and filling out surveys—can all make us vulnerable to identity theft and other scams.

Social media is designed to push us to say yes and to accept. Even the recent viral Facebook meme

Your comment ….?

Denial at the Office

Some people think that the boss just wants you to do what he says. If we're talking about knowledge workers, it would be foolish of that boss not to take into account your perspective. It is important to have a dialogue. If you think your boss is asking for something that's impossible or misguided, it is your duty to tell him that, nicely.

Managing your workload without appearing unambitious is a tricky feat. Saying yes to every opportunity and potential contact is practically a religion for contemporary go-getters. You never know where a connection will lead you, and you need to be expanding the raw numbers of your network.

The problem is that, as you progress in your career, the invitations and requests only increase. If you continue to say yes to everything, you won't get any meaningful work done.

We don't like to alienate others, but if we cede to their wishes, we might grow to resent them. The default in business culture is let's have lunch or let's have coffee.

That can quickly become onerous. Instead, invite someone to an event you're already going to or organize a dinner where you can spend time with 10 people instead of just one.

Once you start saying no, you might have to update your sense of what it means to fulfill your life's various roles.

Can you be a good community member without going to every city council meeting?

Can you be a good parent without attending every school ent? The answer is usually yes.