Just be Responsible
Have you ever met someone who always blames others for their misfortune? You might be laughing and thinking to yourself, “Yeah… we call those narcissists!” And though you may be 100% accurate with your thoughts, I have a challenge for you. When do you blame others for your misfortune?
Be honest here, we have all done this at some point in our life. It can be just as simple as, “I couldn’t write the answer because my pencil broke.” Or, perhaps it’s more serious like, “My partner left me because she simply doesn’t like me anymore.”?
Blaming others for your “misfortunes” is exponentially easier than taking responsibility for your actions. Let’s take the first example (because it’s easier). What are three ways you could have continued on the assignment given if your pencil broke. Well, you could have:
If you would have done any of the three things, you’d be able to successfully complete the assignment. Instead, you sit in the blame-game, victim mentality, blaming others for what happened to you and your pencil breaking.
Now onto the tough topic; your partner left because she simply doesn’t like you anymore. This one might hit too close to home for a number of you. Having been in a number of failed relationships, I assure you, I was 100% responsible for my actions in each situation. Ultimately, we can only control our own actions. Along with that, we can only control our own reactions to the actions of others. Simply put, your relationship failed because of the way you didn’t take control of your actions and the way you reacted to the actions of the other person.
You can get all huffy and puffy and maybe even stop reading this blog because you’re upset. That’s perfectly fine by me. But, when you’re ready, come on back and keep reading. I may have learned a thing or two because I’ve been through a thing or two.
If you are unaware of my history, my kids and I escaped from an abusive marriage eleven years ago. It began with emotional and psychological abuse and turned physical after being together for four years. I decided, after the physical abuse, enough was enough. After years of personal development and growth, I realized, I, single handedly, allowed myself (and my kids) to be in the abuse. How did I do that?
After my divorce, my self esteem was in the gutter. I didn’t feel worthy of any kind of love. I felt unwanted, unseen, and unappreciated. Therefore, when someone showed up and gave me attention and allowed me to feel seen, I immediately made it right. I allowed myself to overlook entirely too many red flags out of my own selfish desires.?
It would have been considerably easier for me to get in a depressive state, neglect my children, and be a complete mess who accepted her life in the shambles the abuser created. I could have fallen and never gotten up. I could, to this day, continue blaming him for every little thing that may be challenging in my life. I could blame him for the choices my children make about their lifestyle. I could blame him for driving a 12 year old vehicle. But, I don’t. I don’t blame him for any of it. I take full ownership and responsibility for my part in the abuse. Yep, you read that right.?
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In case you missed it, I’ll repeat myself: I take full ownership and responsibility for my part in the abuse. Did I ask to be abused? NO WAY!!! But did I put myself into the relationship? ABSOLUTELY. Did I have an opportunity to leave the relationship? YES! Did I take that opportunity? Sadly, only after the abuse began. But eventually, YES! Because I’m worth it (I know this now), and the family legacy is worth it!?
When you find yourself in a relationship (whether it’s a partnership, marriage, friendship, colleague, whatever) that ends on sour terms, ask yourself what you did to enable the negativity. What could you have done differently to have a different outcome? Will you learn and grow from the demise of the relationship, or will you continue to be a hostage in your own life?
In the example I shared, I could have done a lot of things differently. But, in the beginning, when I was still all googly-eyed because I was being seen (albeit falsely), I could have done the following three things differently:
Notice, I didn’t say:
The things I didn’t say were nowhere near the tools in my belt. There was no way, at that time, that I could have done those things because I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually inept.?
Being responsible for the decisions you make will guide you to better decisions, and therefore guide you to a healthier and more successful life. Remember, using that part of your brain is challenging at first. It is easier to fall prey and victim to life’s circumstances. If you’ve ever said, “This is just my life,” in a serious tone, you’ve positioned yourself as a victim. I promise you there’s zero judgment here - just a bit of sisterly love and understanding.
Pay attention to the words you speak to yourself when you’re alone, to your spoken words that come out naturally positioning you as the victim, and the ease at which you blame anyone for your mishaps. Do you take ownership and responsibility in every part of your life? If not, start today. If you need guidance or accountability with being responsible for your actions, please feel free to reach out to me. I’d be delighted to proverbially hold your hand during this season of growth.?
It doesn’t matter if your pencil breaks or your heart breaks, as an adult, you’ve made decisions that led you to your current circumstances in life. If you’d desire different outcomes, make different choices. “But it’s not that easy,” you say. Actually, it is. It'll take time and patience on your part. I speak from experience, and I’ve learned first hand. Only you can choose to change your mind, change your outlook, and change your life. Stop waiting for someone else to do it for you.