"Just listen to me … I just wanna unload"

Sometimes, what some people want is to be heard. They may already know the solution or they might really only want to rant and unload.

In fast-paced times, while being solution-oriented might be effective for work and productivity, it may not be the same with emotions especially when in high stress. In fact, it could create the opposite effect.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to conduct an e-Workshop on mastering stress with a group executives and managers from a reputable logistic company. And it was fun! We shared jokes and personal moments.

One of our discussions that caught my attention was the personal preference when in stress. Whether it's work, family, social or romantic relationship, it applies similarly.

Here are 5 common mistakes to avoid:

1. Jumping to offer solutions or advice.

Don't offer suggestions like "You should have done …" or "Here's what you can do" as soon as you see the opportunity to do so. This might add up into their frustration or agitate them further.

Instead, check in with them on how they are coping and if they are open to hearing suggestions (if you have any). You may want to be prepared for a rejection to your kind gesture as it is more likely that they may say no. Be gentle and present with them so that they feel cared for.

2. Interrupting them.

Stopping them in between, saying "See, I told you so" or constantly asking "Why did this happened?" or "Why did you do that?" are recipes to disastrous conversations. You want them to feel lightened and not to create opposite effect. Don't do that if you don't want them to turn away from you.

Two words - listen attentively. You can even encourage them to share more. They feel more appreciated being heard and you build trust with them as they share their pains or vulnerable moments with you. Unloading the weight off their chests is very and surely relieving.

3. Dismissing or correcting their feelings

 When they share with you how they feel about something, telling them that they're over-reacting, why they shouldn't feel that way or it's a small problem, might trigger an unwanted reaction from them. Also, sarcasm is taboo when it comes to emotional state.

If you were in their shoes, how would you feel?

It is better to acknowledge their feelings. You don't have to agree with them. Give them verbal responses "Okay", "Yes", or "I see", respond to match their energy level and assure them that it is alright to feel what they are feeling. This way they feel assured, understood and may start opening up more to you.

4. Saying "I understand"

Many have misunderstood this as a phrase to show empathy. There are many cases where this phrase has instead created a backlash and a storm in the room.

Truthfully, no one can fully understand someone else's feelings because they are not in the exact same shoes. Everyone feels differently, even if it's labelled the same –happiness, sadness, anger, etc.

You can recall and share a similar experience if you have any, to show some understanding and relation to their feelings. Otherwise, listen more to find out why they feel that way. When you understand better, you can then say, "Now I can understand better why you feel that way". It helps them feel validated and assures them that they are not alone.

 Everyone feels differently, even if it's labelled the same –happiness, sadness, anger, etc.

5. Giving motivational words

Don't get me wrong. They are helpful when someone is in need of them or ready to receive them. In some cases, saying "You are strong", "You can do it" or sing the "Hakuna Matata" song gives an unpleasant feeling and it does not make them feel understood.

What could be better for them is your sincere offering of compassionate support or help to show that you care and you're there for them.

Let me know what are your thoughts on these.

As part of my initiative to create more awareness on emotional and stress management, I'm offering a complimentary e-Workshop to 5 businesses or teams who would like to learn how to be more in control of themselves.

If you or you know someone who is keen to explore this, comment "STRESS" below, and we can connect further on this.

#WithJeffroOng

#EmotionalManagement

#MasteringStress