Just Justice

When Derek Chauvin was found guilty, I was surprised by my reaction. I find him guilty as well, guilty as hell, yet I take no pleasure in the verdict.

Justice was served. The rule of law prevailed. I am satisfied, yet saddened.

I had expected a conviction would give me a fist-pumping sense of victory. I watched Chauvin’s face as the verdict was read, each juror polled one by one, and was surprised that I felt something kind of like pity – kind of.

He seemed so small and pathetic.

How is it that he became a cop who would nonchalantly kneel on a man’s neck until that man was dead?

How is it that George Floyd came to be the one under that indifferent knee?

I was horrified all over again reviewing the murder. Tears were shed. Again.

I’d been outraged and enraged when it happened last spring. Then, as the verdict was read, mostly I felt sadness for everyone involved, even Chauvin, despite his atrocity.

I’d wanted to see Chauvin convicted and punished for his crime. I’d wanted not only justice for George, I’d wanted revenge for George.

As the verdict was read, I felt none of that vengeful sentiment. Instead it was a blend of hard resolve about the need for justice mixed with a feeling of compassion for all involved. There ought to be a word or phrase that better describes this paradoxical, hard-soft feeling.

It may be something like the Aikido principle about loving an opponent to the mat. It may be somewhat like fierce love. It may be somehow like what is meant by “love your enemies.”

No, this verdict is not a happy thing. It is a necessary thing. Chauvin needs to be held accountable for his deeds, pressed to the mat. Still, we need not take pleasure in it.

George Floyd lost his life at the hands of a callous cop. Many lives were damaged, many hearts broken.

Perhaps by holding Chauvin accountable without malice or vengeance we do something to help break the cycle of violence.

Some may gloat and revel in the verdict. While I understand the impulse, I think that only perpetuates the discord. While I believe a harsh crime must be dealt with harshly, I believe it need never be dealt with hatefully or gleefully.

I am very glad Chauvin was found guilty, but I am not angry with him any more.

While I am sorrowful for George Floyd and his loved ones, neither can I revere the man himself. His death was tragic, as was his troubled life.

There is a man who works with troubled youth that had a powerful dream. In the dream the kids were wearing Black Lives Matter t-shirts. He asked them about the meaning. In response, they took the t-shirts off revealing another t-shirt underneath that read: “Please see me.” I am reminded of Ralph Ellison’s groundbreaking book, The Invisible Man.

Please see me.

Take your knee off my neck and see me.

I may be broke. I may be broken. I may be bent. I may be bent bad.  Still I am. Still I am a human being.

Please see me.

The verdict was just. The crime was senseless. Maybe it’s time we wake up to a more sensible way to live. Perhaps it’s time for everyone to see and be seen.