Just Jane (A Short Story)

Jane stopped at the door and turned around for one last look. Everything looked ready for the new owners, the carpets were gleaming, the chairs were just as shiny as they were the first day they arrived. Seemed like just yesterday when the furniture movers came to install these she thought. She remembered the excitement she felt to design her new home to her taste, her husband Robert had bought the house before they met so it was very bare and what little furnishings he purchased were so mismatched that the house looked more like an antique store than a home. She chuckled as she glanced at the spot where the old chair had scraped the wooden floor, the carpet covered it now but she could swear it was that spot. She looked back to the couch and sighed it held nothing but sad memories for her. She was sure that at least two of her children were conceived there, the chime from her phone brought her back from her reverie, it was her daughter. She considered letting it go to voicemail but answered the call because knowing Moira, she would just keep calling. Before she even had time to put the phone to her ear she heard Moira bellowing down the line.

“hey momma”

“hey honey how are you doing and how is your assignment going?”

“ugh I’m ready to come home! These Parisians get tiring after a couple of days, plus I need a dose of greasy burgers from IN-and-Out with a huge serving of animal fries.”

“it’s actually been a while since I had some of that. Call me when you return, I can come pick you up at the airport and we can go together.”

“yeah that would be great! Why are you still at the house, aren’t the new owners supposed to be moving in today?”

“How do you where I am?”

“I am an investigative journalist remember? Plus, I hear the Backman’s dog barking”

Jane chuckled, “you never liked that dog. I am here to make sure that everything is the way it should be”

“I am sorry I couldn’t be there with you. I know this is very hard for you, I mean I still can’t believe you and Dad got divorced and the house got sold”.

“It’s okay honey” jane murmured she was used to hearing the surprise in people voice, and the looks on their face when they heard that she got divorced. Hers looked like a picture-perfect marriage from the outside. They had been married for 30 years, lived in the same house for all those years. So, everyone knew them in the community. She was the African bride Robert brought from Ethiopia. In a white neighbourhood, it was easy to stand out as they were the only interracial couple for the first 15 years. She tuned back in to the conversation just in time to hear Moira say “Dad is such a bastard though, what little respect I had for him vanished with the divorce”

“tsk tsk tsk don’t say that dear, no matter what he is still your father”

“there you go again! After all the years of abuse and bullshit you still defend him, even with the divorce you are still defending him”

Jane winced at that, hearing it from her daughter made her feel weak, one of her greatest fears was that she would be seen as weak to her children.

“Language honey, he didn’t know better dear besides there are two sides to a story. Anyway, I have to go now I think I see the new owners pulling in now”

“yeah, whatever, there is always a reason to not have this conversation bye I love you”

The call ended before she had a chance to reply, Jane considered calling her back but didn’t, there was no point. She already knew how the rest of the conversation would go. She turned around again to leave but stopped at the door, this is it she thought, this is the last time I will be here. After today it’s all going to be memories. She couldn’t get herself to walk out the door so she turned around and said to herself “one more time I have to see it all once more… say good bye to it all” she didn’t have to think about where to start. She walked straight to her bedroom and sat on the bed it was still as bouncy as it was the first time she laid on it. It was on this bed that she lost her virginity. God I was such a fool back then, she thought. She met Robert when he came to Ethiopia to volunteer right after college, she worked there as a nurse and as the only English speaking person she acted as his translator, and later tour guide, at the end of the 3 months she had convinced herself he was the love her of life and said yes immediately he asked her to return with him to the USA.

The beginning was great until she started to notice that he always had a glass in his hand when he got home, at first, she thought it was normal, but she realised that he drank more than everyone else when they were with friends. by the time the first baby came around he was almost always gone, drunk, or both. Her phone vibrated she looked at it in irritation, sighed when she realized it was her brother, and answered it.

“Hello Muktar how are you?”

“Hey Jane, I was hoping we could grab lunch so I stopped by your office but your secretary told me you didn’t come in today… are you ok? I am worried about you”

“don’t be I am fine I had a lot of things to take care of, the new owners are moving in today so I wanted to make sure that I did one final walk through of the house…”

“oh shit!”

“Language Mukhtar”

“sorry why didn’t you tell me? I could have been there for you.”

“you make it sound like I’m having a coronary bypass, it’s just a house”

“I know but I also know how much you loved that house, you know sometimes I wondered if you stayed married to Rob just so you could keep living there”

“I did what I had to do Muktar, all the sacrifices I made for our family so we could be safe and you would all get an education and make something of yourselves…”

“I know that too and we are all forever in your debt sis, but even I graduated college fifteen years ago, why didn’t you leave as soon as we came? You say you stayed for immigration purposes but you became a citizen over 20 years ago, so why? Why did you stay in such an abusive relationship for so long? We all saw the signs sis, the double entendre, how he would always put you down and diminish all your achievements no matter how big in a sentence while laughing like it was a joke. I mean you had a good career as a nurse hell you have been the director of nursing for 10 years now so wh...”

“You go too far little brother; my marriage is none of your business and watch your language you sound like we didn’t spend enough money on your education.”

“as always you are so prim and proper always keeping up appearances the marriage is over sis you can drop the pretense now.”

“I have to go”

“of course, you do, there is always something more important than facing the truth”

Why couldn’t they just let her reminisce in peace she said. First her daughter, now her brother. She felt like going away, where she did not know but, as long as she was away from everyone, preferably a place with no phone service where she would legitimately not have to answer any calls it would be the perfect location. Since the news of her divorce broke, it had all been “why did you wait so long” “finally you break free from him” “I’m happy for you”. They probably would have had a divorce party for me given the chance. She went into the bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet, then pulled the false back off, behind it was the list she created. It simply said: I stay because… I love him, because I need him for my green card because I need to help my family escape Ethiopia, because of the kids, because I am used to staying. These words she knew by heart, after every putdown, every insult, she repeated these words like a litany, many nights she repeated these words till she fell asleep. Every time she had to clean up the vomit, every time she had to go pick Robert up at a bar, she repeated them. Even when the hospital let go of Rob after a malpractice case, and she had to work extra shifts to make enough money only to watch him drink her out of it all still she stayed. Jane replaced the false back wondering if the new owners would ever find it and what they would think if they did. She washed her hands gave the bathroom a cursory glance and left.

Jane left the bedroom, it held too many sad memories and she wandered to the kitchen, this was her favorite room, it had the best view in the house. It had floor to ceiling windows so one could enjoy all the sunlight and the mountains. From the breakfast counter, she could see the mountains in the distance. Those mountains were the only constants in her life and she found comfort in them, every opportunity she had she went hiking and when she couldn’t go, she would just sit and stare at them lost in her own world. Her phone chimed breaking the silence, startling her “arrrrghhhh! Can’t they just leave me alone?” it was her mother she silenced the ringer and looked back at the mountains but the spell was broken. The phone rang again she answered.

“Hello mama”

“Jane, I have been calling you why didn’t you answer?”

“sorry I missed the first call, how are you?”

“How do you think I am since you made me and your father the laughingstock of the community? They say look at them they have a daughter who left her husband.”

“I didn’t leave Robert, mama, he left me and I have to say I am happy he did”

“you see! You see! This is what I feared you have lived in the white man’s land and now you want to behave like them. We don’t get divorced no matter what happens you stay in your husband’s house even if he brings in a second wife you stay there. Now you are single after 30 years who will take care of you and your children? Hmm tell me.”

“Mama, my youngest child already graduated college and has a job they don’t need me to take care of them anymore. Besides I have a job I can take care of myself”

“so, because you are the big boss at the hospital you think you don’t need a man anymore? Let me tell you no matter how useless a man is it is still better to be married than to”

“that’s enough mama I have listened to you and your talk about tradition for too long! Because of traditions, I stayed with a man who forced himself on me constantly during his drunken bouts, I stayed in an abusive relationship for years because of your pride. And finally, he- he left me ok, I didn’t leave he left. I was here taking everything he could give playing the silent docile wife, cleaning up all his mess but still, he left! He asked for the divorce mama not me I could have saved myself some pride and walked away but no. I waited until my abuser got tired of abusing me and left!”

“don’t raise your voice to me child, I warned you 30 years ago, before you left with him I told you could never trust a white man but you were in love. You made your bed you must lie in it. there is no perfect marriage you have to take whatever you get. You did something that’s why he left. It is your duty to give your husband anything he wants, there is no such thing as he forced himself on you. He is your husband you belong to him. Because you are in America doesn’t change that.

Jane was frustrated, I can never get it right she said to herself. One minute I stayed too long the next I’m a failure.

“it’s ok mama, you don’t approve of my decision I get that. Did you call me for any particular reason or did you call me to bemoan my life?”

“watch your tongue Jane, that the okra tree is taller than the farmer doesn’t mean the farmer cannot bend it to pluck its fruits. If you were here I would have slapped the sarcasm out of you.”

“Mama I have to go, oh and I will be out of the country for a while if you need anything call my secretary, good bye”

“where are, you go...”

Jane hung up and screamed in the silence her phone started ringing again without checking who it was she turned it off, and walked to the back of the house, then sat on the bench outside. “I just want to be left alone she said out loud. She drew in as much air as she could. She sat there just concentrating on breathing trying to clear out her head and just focus on memorizing the sights, the smell and the sounds one last time. She tasted the tears before she realized she was crying, there was no sound just an endless stream of tears, she cried for all the years she wasted with a man who stopped loving her, she cried for the foolish innocent girl she once was, she cried for her failed marriage and she cried because for the first time she admitted that she stayed not because she loved Robert, not because she needed a green card, not because she wanted to help her family, not because of her children and not because she was used to staying but because she was weak. She was too weak to stand up for herself, so she hid behind her reasons, hid behind her children, hid behind her mother’s traditions. Now there was nothing to hide behind anymore. When she ran out of tears she got up and washed her face from the garden hose. The turned around and looked at her surroundings with fresh eyes, then she realized for the first time she realized she was free, she could do anything, go anywhere, she could dress according to her taste, not Rob’s. as much as she tried the camel’s back got broken she wasn’t going to pick up the pieces, she was letting them fall where they please. I am going to start afresh. First, I will cut my hair, get that chic risqué look I have always admired, then I’m going on a vacation. Where, I don’t care just somewhere I can seat on the beach and not have to worry about propriety, or appearances or traditions. Where I can be Jane the woman not Jane the mother or Jane the sister or Jane the wife/ex-wife or Jane the daughter I will be just Jane. In fact, I will introduce myself as Just jane. Hello my name is Just Jane.

Jane got up and walked back to the kitchen, then walked through the living room to the door for the last time. This time it was easy, she didn’t have to think of what she lost, instead she walked with a bounce on her feet excited about her future. She glanced at the couch again but felt nothing, she was taking with her only the good memories the bad ones she would leave behind. She locked the door, kept the key under the potted plant and walked to her car. she glanced at the house but all the old feelings were gone now it was just a house she used to live. She got into her car and left a message for her secretary canceling all her appointments, and meetings for the next month. When that was done, she called her travel agent.

“Hi I would like to buy a travel package to Tahiti please…”