Just How Much Should You Compromise?

DO ANY OF THESE SCENES SOUND FAMILIAR?

You and your significant other are sitting at a table in a restaurant. He orders potatoes and you want brown rice. He wants to stick to the fish he always orders, and you want to try something different—like a beautifully presented vegetarian dish. He doesn't want dessert, but you think you'd like to treat yourself just this once—even though it's going to cost a little more in terms of time and money.

A restaurant menu makes compromise unnecessary. You can order what you want and he can order what he wants as long as the two of you can pay for the meal and the tip. But other situations are not as simple.

Let's say that you want to watch a romantic movie with him. He wants to watch the game. You figure well, it's not too bad to watch an exciting game, so I'll sit down for a minute and see if I like it. After a while, it becomes obvious that you would rather see your romantic comedy.

The thing is, you do have more than one TV in the house—one on each floor. The problem, though, is that you really want to sit with him to watch something. He insists that because you have two TVs, he can watch what he wants on one of them and you can watch what you want on the other. It all makes perfect common sense.

The problem is that you're still not getting what you want. But eventually, you shrug your shoulders and think well, in a marriage you have to compromise.

WHAT TO DO?

Here’s another scenario: There are two different towns you'd like to go visit for a long overdue holiday. You want to go someplace close so that you don't have to spend that much on gas. He wants to be more adventurous and just start driving and see what strikes him as the right place to be. While you like being spontaneous once in a while, right now the budget is a serious consideration. So you want to opt for the nearby location.

Seeing the disappointment on his face, you finally decide okay, I'm going to go ahead and let him lead the way.

You want to know what to wear, so you ask him what kind of a place you're going to and what you should pack. He says it doesn't really matter because the two of you are just going to throw some nightshirts, toothpaste, and a toothbrush in a bag and see where the engine takes you.

Unfortunately, you can't pack for every possibility, and you know that as a woman you always have a lot of items to bring with you, like toiletries and hair care products.

After a while, he even makes it unclear whether you're going to drive the whole way or end up flying to the final destination. FLY? ON OUR BUDGET? Your mind screams.?

Both of these considerations involve different requirements, arrangements, costs, clothing choices, and items you’re permitted to bring with you.

EVEN COMPROMISE HAS ITS LIMITS

So now you start to get annoyed. You can yield on this and you can yield on that,? but you really need him to give you some guidelines so that you know what the heck to do to prepare for the trip.

After a while, because the two of you cannot come to a consensus, he decides to cancel the entire excursion. Both of you end up disappointed.

At another time, you decide to go see a movie. You know that's always a point of contention because men and women generally select different kinds of films. One thing you know is that both of you find movies with science fiction or psychic elements somewhat entertaining. So you start looking in the paper, but nothing quite fits what you're looking for.

Then out of the blue, he decides he wants to see an action film. You roll your eyes because you have seen enough flying cars on fire and Mister Super Duper strolling casually away from yet another explosion. You tell him you’d prefer to see something that's a little more human or family-oriented. Then he reminds you that you had your choice last time, so he needs to have his choice this time.?

Plus he says you can always go to the movies or whatever with a friend or relative instead. But that’s not the point. He still thinks he’s being fair with you; yet neither one of you ends up satisfied. You don't want to go with your sister or friend; you want to have a special date with him.

IT’S NOT ALWAYS EASY

Compromise is an essential part of a relationship, but that doesn't make it easy. I have noticed that women with a strong sense of self-esteem tend to voice their first choice, then negotiate if necessary.

But then, if he refuses to negotiate with you, the situation can become argumentative. The conflict ends up as a distant stretch from the fun and exciting conversation you wanted to have with him originally when the two of you were going to finalize your plans.

So what do you do? Well, the answer is neither simple nor linear. Sometimes you compromise on the things you want, and sometimes he is a little more open and allows you to have your choice.?

It’s just not realistic to think that a perfect compromise is always within reach. Neither one of you is wrong and neither one of you is right, but opposing views can cause friction. And the unrealistic ideal that insists two people can be perfectly matched and come up with the same solution on a regular basis is utterly ridiculous.

RELATIONSHIPS AND WELLNESS

As an older African-American female, you feel fortunate to have found someone to commit to you and value you as the queen of his castle. So the last thing you want to do is mess up your relationship with a pointless argument about what you want to do or where you want to go. At the same time, you have a right to want what you want. There are no pat answers.

At this point, you're probably wondering what this has to do with wellness. As I teach in my course, the heart is one of the four wellness pillars, and that applies to men as well. Remember that the builder of the Taj Mahal was so overcome with grief over his wife’s death that he bankrupted his empire building her mausoleum. It was rumored that his hair turned gray almost overnight.

I think holistically about relationships and the dynamics that drive them. Deciding whether or not to compromise with someone or even give yourself permission to express a dissenting opinion is an issue of self-esteem. You have the right to speak up, to voice your opinion, and to declare your preferences. But things are always more complicated when you have someone else’s feelings to consider.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT JUST PERSONAL

I know this is going to sound trite, but sometimes you do have to agree to disagree. A therapist once told me that in relationships, there are actually three beings: you, him, and the entity that is the union of the two of you. In a healthy relationship, each of you brings a complete person to a union that should meet both your and his affiliation needs.

While I have been referring to personal relationships up to this point, I haven't forgotten that business relationships can get complicated as well when you find yourself disagreeing with a normally friendly coworker on a big project or pivotal decision. Sometimes your manager will tell you to work it out unless he or she decides to intervene by using their managerial authority. You must still give yourself permission to voice dissent even if you end up having to compromise because you were outvoted.

And let's face it: some issues—such as those that compromise your dignity or self-respect—are non-negotiable.

DIFFERENT PEOPLE, DIFFERENT CHOICES

Of course, some women are either not ready to make a commitment or simply dislike the concept. They embrace their freedom to come and go as they wish without having to consult with anyone else. They love the opportunity to decide for themselves what they will do, when they will do it, whom they will do it with and where they will go. The word compromise simply does not apply.

CONCLUSION

However, if you're in a committed relationship, just realize that you're not always going to agree on everything. If you exercise patience, your desire to consider his needs while expressing yours will be evident. I can't promise your discussion will always end up with understanding smiles and kisses, but there's no reason why you should relinquish who you are or expect him to abandon who he is.

LET ME HEAR FROM YOU

This subject probably bears further discussion, so let’s talk about it some more. I want to remind everyone to keep their language family-friendly and to express their opposing opinions in respectful ways. No slurs or insults are ever necessary, but I would like to know what you do when you and your significant other disagree on either a big issue or something as small as where to go for your next night out.?

Just leave your comments below. And if you want to book a FREE one-on-one 15-minute wellness consultation with me, just click on this link: https://calendly.com/teriselang/15min.

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