Just Another Kid!

Writing this confession was against my thoughts at first as it always happens, na?ve truth always gets suppressed under the dominating false reality.

 I tend out to be a child of fear. Where fear inhibited me for ages and continued to suppress every decision. The dilemma of getting brutally hurt and astonishingly succeeding always dominated my mind. Even my growing up days, I was haunted with such thoughts of being left out which comparing others were dealing it very naturally. I feared more, is it something wrong with me? This thought always chased me throughout life. I still had a memory of the darkest night of childhood, where I suddenly woke up during mid-night witnessing there’s no one around me to make me feel content. I wandered around where are they; made me startle and even I cried to witness that my dream is coming true. This always made me visualized; one day will come when everyone will abandon you and will leave you with your insecurities and isolation. After all, these thoughts seemed real and I started to believe it, I finally found them praying in mandir at home at midnight. It seemed odd to me and I was surprised not knowing what was going on. Although all of it didn’t matter to me after I landed right on my mother’s lap and drained all my fear through tears. This apparently was okay for them, as it seemed a child panicked waking up alone. This is just one night out of hundred’s which I portrayed where I felt it. I didn’t use to speak much when I was a child; everyone thought he’s a shy child. Not realizing the depth of it, it wasn’t the shade of just hesitations and social awkwardness. I craved my existence to revive back inside my mother’s womb because even an attic and an open park with playing kids around were cornering my thoughts towards fear. I didn’t make sense to me ever that, why am I even scared? And what am I scared of? It never came across as a solution to me ever in a better way. Not even the care and attention I received from loved ones after that Life taking injury happened to me changed anything inside! Even that compelled me more towards the edge of life and one decision I take will devastate everything.

I didn’t even remember what really happened to me until my brother teased me with slangs of head injury. I got sure that something is being hidden from me. I confronted till severity and after a few years, finally, my parents succumbed and described in notions of incidents to me. I only could relate to the seizing my eyeballs to the ceramic taunting light and that sensory sound buzzing my ears; I was encapsulated in a round modular containment surrounding and placed on a bed. My head was tied with something obnoxious and I always end up with sticky pieces of cotton on my hair after all that. Later in learning and growing years, I got to know it was a Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). Strange thoughts you see. I still remember that I was given a lot of chocolates after every visit going through that haunting machine. I never realized why am I treated with so much care. Scars of the past always taunt me at midnights and every single night went by like that. The incident which I didn’t even know about scares the shit out of me and when I visualized later after knowing the facts of the incidents. It was madness within my stator mind, peace was forbidden for several nights visualizing a steel rod stuck inside the back of the head and that gave me a lot of free falls of the nightmare. Concurring the illusions of such incidents and draining it out to replenish the inner me, made me realize the significance of every happening of my life.

“Incidents of Life that we experience are meant to signify something; However, I got lucky to restraint and mold my words to phrase it in a way to keep it with me”