Judgy Behavior: Root Causes & Helpful Insights

Did you see what that girl was wearing? She can’t possibly think that looks good. If I was that kid’s parents, I would take them outside for a “talking to!” If I were the boss, I would have totally fired them already. Sound familiar? Everyone indulges in judgey behavior from time to time. Making quick judgments and assumptions is easy for your brain. Instead of having to consider context, it registers surface level information and comes back with a quick assessment. But what do you do when judging becomes the default way that you show up? When the occasional gossip session is the only way that you engage in conversation? If you have started to notice that you are quick to think, and talk, in absolutes - every, all, none, never - perhaps it’s time to check in with how you are communicating to yourself, and others. While defaulting to judging is typical from time to time, if it becomes habitual, examining your own thoughts and behavior will help you return to a more productive and healthy form of thinking and speaking. Below are three reasons why judging may be entering your brain more often, and how to neutralize it.?

As a Symptom of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a product of childhood trauma or conditioning, both of which create the belief that in order to be loved, one must prove oneself worthy. This creates a mental loop in which the person who is experiencing the need to be perfect becomes hyper critical of themselves, and typically, those around them. Perfectionists tend to see the fault in what they see and hear before they are able to see the beauty. Watching a performance, they can get stuck on the mistakes - the dancer’s wobble in a turn or a singer’s warble. When they are around their friends or family, they focus on what they’re doing wrong in their life instead of looking at the accomplishments or growth they have experienced.?

If you notice this type of behavior, know that it’s a default way of thinking. When you become more stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed by your own life, you become more critical and less accepting of mistakes, whether they are your own, or someone else's. If you catch yourself starting to judge everyone and everything around you, take a time-out to reconnect with your needs. Get back into your body through exercise, meditation, or breathwork and notice what you are feeling. Most likely you’ll notice that your muscles are tight, the word “should” has been popping up in your vocabulary more often, and there’s been a level of anxiety you have been trying to ignore by distracting yourself with work or play.?

As a Symptom of Insecurity

When a person has grown up feeling like they have little agency over their own life and circumstances, they can become unconsciously fixated on control as an adult. Wanting to make sure that things are done the “right way” they may start to judge those around them because it’s their way of feeling a modicum of control over a situation in which they have none. A person who feels insecure with their current circumstances - perhaps they are out of work, or just went through a breakup, or had to move back in with their parents - will attempt to distract from their own circumstances, by judging those around them.?

Suddenly everyone with a job is “obsessed with money” or “focused on the wrong things” or “stupid” because they work long hours instead of engaging in fun activities. The friends who are in relationships are “whipped.” The people who are paying mortgages instead of living back at home and saving money are “dumb.” They start to give everyone their unsolicited advice because they want to feel better about their own lives.?

Instead of putting other people down, or getting fixated on how other people are living, take a moment to look in the mirror. What areas of your own life are you unhappy about? What would you change about your own circumstances if you could? Ask yourself these questions with a lot of compassion. While you may feel that you are stuck, or don’t have choices, the truth is, you actually have quite a bit of power to change your circumstances, if that’s what you desire. If you need some help, get the support of a coach or therapist to help you in building up your sense of inner power and agency.???

As a Symptom of Fear

When we hold a fear for ourselves, it can be easy to project this fear onto others through judgment. If you have experienced child abuse, you may look at parents and how they raise their kids differently. You may refuse to let your kids go to sleep-overs or go anywhere alone and label other parents who let their kids do these things as negligent. If you have been brought up to think that your beauty is your main worth as a woman, you may be afraid of aging and judge those around you who let their grays grow out, or don’t dress in a polished manner. Or perhaps you fear not having enough money in old age, and so you work as much as you can, seeing other people who do the minimum as lazy or stupid.?

Take a moment to really think about what you say day to day, to yourself, and to other people. Who are you shaming? Who are you wishing would change their ways? Now dig a little deeper and see how this relates to you. Most likely, there’s nothing wrong or fearful about what they are doing, it’s just that it’s triggering a fear in you which is coming out as judgment. If the way someone is living isn’t directly affecting the way you live, then there’s no need to judge. The great part is you can use these moments as a way to get deeper into your own needs. Are you wanting to feel more security and safety in your own life? More self-worth? More ease? Focus on ways to bring those into your life instead of judging others, and I guarantee you’ll be a lot happier.

The next time you veer into constant judgment, look at is a symptom of being out of alignment with your own wants and needs. Have you been being extra hard on yourself, again? Have you been ignoring your needs? Is an old fear resurfacing? Once you figure out what you need, you can get yourself back to a neutral and more compassionate space.?