JUDGMENTAL! Are you?

Understanding people is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. There are too many confounding pieces which get misaligned easily, and distort the picture. It takes time, and a deep understanding of humans to align all the pieces correctly, so that a clear and complete picture emerges.

In trying to understand people, we are constantly judging them as well. We judge them by our own standards and benchmarks. If physical beauty is important to us, we will think less of the not so attractive people. If money is important to us, then people who lack money are put into a lower category. If education is important, then less educated people gain less favour with us. Plus, there are the endless prejudices of race, country, language, region, religion, etc. Using these various criteria we pass judgments on people in our own minds - good / bad, right / wrong. And obviously, we then interact and engage with people based on these judgments.

The foremost thing to understand is why we judge, and is it healthy or unhealthy to judge others?

Judging others is part of our evolved social behavior where we want to know if the other person is a friend or a foe? Can he cause us harm or is he harmless and well-intentioned? This arises from the fundamental survival instinct, and is necessary for self-protection. After all, you don’t want to be gullible and get swindled by a conman or murdered by a criminal. These maybe extreme cases, but in in our regular day to day life too, we are faced with manipulation, deceit, disrespect or toxicity. Hence, the ability to read people, and understand them accurately is healthy as well as important, to safeguard ourselves by establishing appropriate boundaries.

When does the act of judging cross the line from healthy to unhealthy? Are some of us just more predisposed to forming negative judgments of others? What are the triggers for it and is it harmful for us?

Fundamentally, there are 3 mistakes we make while judging people which lead us to unhealthy negative judging:

1 – Passing a judgment too soon

2 – Passing a negative judgment due to fear of the unknown

3 – Passing a negative judgment in order to feel superior

Passing a judgment too soon - One angry outburst, or one good deed does not characterize the whole person. We humans hate uncertainty, so there is a tendency to rush to a conclusion, a judgment – yes or no. I like this person, I don’t like this person. Just like the jigsaw, there are too many pieces that make up a personality, and it takes time to put each piece in the right place. We need to look for patterns of similar behavior that repeat over time. People are made up of patterns. Patterns that are vicious, or virtuous or a mix of both.

In the early phases of interaction with a person, empathy (seeing things from the other person’s perspective), and giving the benefit of doubt go a long way in keeping us in the “information gathering / observational” phase. This is an important phase that must be allowed its time while trying to understand people. Staying in this phase feels like being in a limbo, plus we need to do a lot of sharp thinking, which is hard work.

So we often fast forward, or skip this phase in a rush to our comfort zone of certainty. As a rule of thumb, about 6 months of frequent and close interaction will reveal most facets of a person to us.

But, also remember that even after 6 months you may suddenly come across a jigsaw piece which doesn’t seem to fit anywhere. People can always surprise us, and what it tells you is that you simply missed out a piece of the entire jigsaw. This new piece is not to be thrown away. It is an integral part of the complete picture, and you need to adjust your interactions with this person accordingly.

Passing a negative judgment due to fear of the unknown – At times, when we are unfamiliar with the other’s belief’s or preferences, we tend to fear them. For example, someone from a different culture or different food habits or clothing style. The unfamiliar tends to strike fear within us. Most of the times this fear is unfounded. Its merely a different way of life, and is completely harmless. The ability to appreciate and accept differences in people can really enrich our lives, if we can subtract the fear factor.

Passing a negative judgment in order to feel superior – This is the most insidious one, and is directly related to our self – esteem.

A fragile and weak self-esteem is always looking to put others down in order to boost itself.

This is often seen in the fights between religions. A turns to the West and prays, B turns to the East and each thinks he is superior to the other. The other is rejected and put down simply because he doesn’t conform to my way of life. “My way” is believed to be the only right way to do things, not because of any sound reasoning and logic, but because it strokes my petty ego, and makes me feel superior.

We see it at work too – A prefers phone calls, and B prefers face to face meetings. Instead of simply accepting that these are different preferences of working, and finding an amicable solution, you might see them at loggerheads trying to browbeat the other into accepting their own preference. If someone is better than us and makes us feel threatened, then we have the fierce urge to put him down in order to feel better about ourselves.

Our insecurities are at play here. The more insecure we feel, the more we indulge in unhealthy negative judgments.

An insecurity keeps nagging at us – “I am not enough” or “I don’t have enough”. I am somehow lesser, inferior. Every attack to decimate and put down the other is actually an attempt to get rid of this excruciating insecurity.

The antidote to this is self-acceptance. The more we are able to accept ourselves, the more we can accept others.

Self – acceptance is an ease and contentment in being who we are, including our flaws and imperfections, and an acceptance of the cards life has dealt us.

This is not contradictory to healthy ambition and a desire to constantly better ourselves. The pursuit of excellence is also a necessary ingredient for life. It keeps us striving gainfully, and gives meaning to life. The difference between nagging insecurities and the pursuit of excellence lies in the focus of our attention. In the former, the attention is on others – how good is someone else, how much does he have, what has he achieved? In the latter, the focus is on ourselves. Our attention and energy is focused on becoming the best version of ourselves. We are attempting to actualize all our potential. The comparison is with oneself – am I better today, than I was yesterday? When we change the focus of our attention towards ourselves, the desire to put others down just wears off.

Unfortunately, this nagging insecurity keeps us trapped in a miserable place. We don’t exert any effort to improve ourselves, and we ruin our relationships due to our caustic attitude towards others. Also, the more “judgmental” we are of others, the more is our fear of being judged by others.

How do you know whether you are indulging in healthy or unhealthy judging? Shine a light on your own intention, it will reveal itself clearly. Is your intention to push someone down, merely to lift yourself up? Or is there a genuine reason to believe that the person may harm you?

Remember, your attention and energy are amongst the most precious resources you have. Instead of investing them in putting others down, it’s better to use them in pursuing excellence for yourself, and becoming a better version of yourself every day.

Gulshan Walia - I am a Human Capital consultant and coach, and my main areas of work are leadership development, coaching, behavioural skill workshops, performance management and HR processes. Here is an overview of my coaching practice. Drop me a note at [email protected] if you are interested.

View my website at www.infinitzusconsulting.com to learn more about my areas of work