No Judgement

Have you ever met someone who captivates you with every word they say? Some people will call this charisma, but I call it “inner presence”.....speaking with truth. 

Remember, we all stumble every one of us. 

That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.

~ Emily Kimbrough

It is also hard to deal with the people who feel their honesty allows them a “truth badge”. They feel they can say whatever they want no matter how hurtful or how unwanted their advice is. When called on it, they hide behind their badge with their answer "it is the truth!”. It is as if this excuses them from all the hurt and pain they have inflicted.

I realised how important it is to always speak from the truth and to choose my words carefully. Speaking from the truth never gives me the right to be rude, condescending or hurtful. To listen openly and fully is more important than to speak. You will learn so much more. Have no regrets because even if you take a wrong turn or make a mistake, the important thing is you will learn from it.  

The truth and open-mindedness go hand-in-hand. Most of us believe we are open-minded, but in reality, we’re not. We are all, each and every one of us, not completely open-minded because we are open only to the ideas that fit in with our own belief systems and perceptions. This is why it’s so easy to be self-righteous. To one person, “this way” is obvious and right, and “that way” is wrong and stupid!

It’s interesting that we live in an incredibly diverse world; and yet, we see the world through the filters of our beliefs. Certain beliefs actually close us off to understanding and accepting alternative perspectives. This leaves us struggling to accept any truth that goes against our own. And we aren’t even aware of this. It’s really just a function of the mind trying to process new ideas through the filters of what it already know. If new ideas don’t fit, they are rejected. Every adult is partially closed-minded, not by choice but by conditioning.

Children are not born this way.

Children are born with a completely open mind - you can tell a child absolutely anything, and it is accepted as the truth. But adults have so many pre-programmed beliefs that we get upset if somebody insists something is the truth when clearly, in our perspective, it’s not! Children are more open to what they don’t see and understand, because everything is new. Adults love to point at the ‘obvious’ and say, “this is the way it is” without questioning anything. This is their believe.

In other words, your truth is not necessarily my truth, and my truth is not necessarily my husband’s truth. Coming from different backgrounds and having different conditioned beliefs, we can’t help but see the world just a little differently from one another. Each of us has our own version of reality. Our own truth. Each one is 100% right and valid to each individual. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Ugliness is, too. The wrong way and the right way may be the exact same course of action as seen by two different people.

Mastering open-mindedness is a process. Every time you agree that another point of view is possible, even if you don’t agree with it, you become more open-minded. Whenever you do that, it becomes easier to accept other new ideas that clash with your beliefs.

You can’t wake up one day and say, “Okay, I’m going to be open-minded now.” If you just agree that to some extent you are closed-minded, you’ve made a huge leap forward already. Be more childlike and curious. Pretend! It’s fun imagining what the world would be like from a completely opposite point of view.

Adults are naturally inclined to judge, criticise and interpret everything we come across. You can learn to overcome this and be more open-minded, like a child. This will change your life.

Tell yourself, “My way is ONE way of looking at this. I wonder what it looks like from this person’s perspective? What can I learn from seeing the world another way? Why do I believe (x) when this person believes (y)?

Don’t judge. Learn to see what they see, and why. You will see that where one person sees opportunity, another sees an obstacle they can’t overcome. You will see that when you feel excitement, another person feels fear. Or that when you feel that you are being held back from living your dreams, another person may think, “Life is good, you are comfortable and safe. Why would you want to do that?”

Do you notice how your version of the truth can shift almost immediately? Ultimately, what is true for you can be changed, if you change your beliefs. If “I am going to be overweight for the rest of my life” is true to you... why do you accept that truth? Can you imagine yourself in a different way - perhaps as someone with incredible self-control, high self-esteem, lots of self-love... it would make you rethink that “truth” that you’re so used to!

It’s important to be aware that whenever you imagine something from a different point of view, your mind will start arguing. “That’s wrong!” your mind will say, only because that idea doesn’t fit into your beliefs! Anytime that happens, anytime you catch yourself saying, “this person is doing it wrong” or “that’s a stupid way to do that”... ask yourself why it’s wrong for you, and why it’s right for the other person (assuming “their way” works for them in getting them the results they want).

Keep asking “why” to get in the habit of challenging your beliefs.

Children know when we are speaking the truth. In fact, so do animals, which is something I notice in my beloved dog all the time.

I have found with my boys that honesty and truth works better than yelling and treats. It also takes a lot more strength and effort on my part to be this present all the time. Do not think for one moment that there is no yelling or fighting in our house. In fact, my boys will be the first to tell you that I yell and I can be scary. I also think the second thing they would say is that I am a good mother and that I love them.

When angry, count to ten before you speak. 

If very angry, a hundred.

~ Thomas Jefferson

Always speak the truth. Easier said than done, now that you know that “the truth” is a matter of perception and emotion. However, you can speak your truth in a kind, compassionate and respectful way. Never give your opinion unless it is asked, for otherwise it is not wanted. Speaking the truth is not a license for being mean. Think about what you want to say and how to say it without causing pain. If you start your sentences with, “I feel” or “I have found for me” rather than, “you need to” or “you should”, you will not come across as bossy, but rather as someone who understands their predicament. Use your own experience to show others what you have learnt.

If someone is treading water, give them a few minutes to express their thoughts and if no opinion is given, tell them you understand and move on to the next subject. You will not help someone resolve their problems by treading water. They will resolve their problem when they are ready to.