JT's Paternity Diaries: The Bright Days are Worth The Dark Nights - Part 2

Excitement, Adapting and Perseverance. These are the words I would use to summarise the half way point of my 30 day Paternity Leave thus far. Just like any new parent, as time goes by, life as we know it slowly changes, what we once knew as normal slowly shifts, and more significantly, our outlook on life slowly evolves. Change is part of the dance, it is something all parents anticipate, however, that dance can be a beautifully constructed Waltz, a raw and flavourful Salsa, or at times, it could be an expressive freestyle Break Dance. We're not the ones orchestrating it, however, it is up to us on how we decide to "Go with the Flow".

This is my dance...

As I approach the end of my 2nd week of Paternity Leave, I cant help but to reflect on how much has changed in such a short period of time, especially when comparing the first week to the second. In week 1, it was a period I like to call the "Honeymoon and Implementation" phase, where we were finally leaving the comforts of the hospital, and the excitement and anticipation of welcoming and accommodating our new born into our daily lives was still at its peak. In this period, my wife and I also established our specific roles and a daily routine which we hoped would result in us being able to adapt quicker to the different responsibilities and expectations of being a parent of 2. As for work, I used this period to set the tone and expectation, I was determining what I wanted realistically achieve throughout the month, what my focus was going to be, how I was going to manage and divide my time, as well as, ways to still deliver the best possible results to my place of work, my team, and also my clients. There was a feeling of fear, unpredictability and uncertainty to whether or not our plan would bear fruit, however, we felt ready, prepared and committed to seeing the process through.

The majority of week 1, surprisingly, went better than initially anticipated, I felt like I had grown a stronger bond with my eldest daughter, my wife could focus on ensuring my newborn was getting enough nutrition, love and care in order for her to accustomize herself with her new surroundings, and I would come to spend time with her every night after I have put her sister down to bed. A routine was set, and we were all starting to get into the rhythm of how our day to day would look like. However, that all swiftly shifted at the beginning of week 2. Although it was expected, the shift occurred almost instantaneously, which caught us a little off guard. Our new born, who is turning out to be quite the drinker, now requires significantly prolonged breast feeding sessions which could last up to 2 hours, she now has trouble burping after feeding which results in her constantly throwing up, and most detrimentally, on a personal level, for some reason, she now consistently cries whenever left alone with me, and this can only be rectified by the presence of her mother. As for our eldest, she now requests to be carried more often, she now wants to be fed as supposed to eating alone as she would always do, and more importantly, on a personal level yet again, she now refuses to sleep alone with me no matter how sleepy she seems to be, this also is only resolved by her mother hugging and carrying her to sleep. These significant changes, coupled with the combination of sleep deprivation and fatigue, has caused us to feel an influx of emotions, frustration started to show, stress levels were increasing, and for me personally, the feeling that both your daughters aren't comforted by you, is disappointing and disheartening.

I would like to think that I'm a relatively upbeat person who has a reasonably positive outlook on life, those who know me well I hope can vouch for me when I say that. Thus, despite everything I was feeling both mentally and physically, I decided that I needed to find an effective solution, a way for me to gain my daughters trust, a way to provide the freedom and time to my wife as I know she purely deserves, so henceforth, I needed to make more of an effort to bond with both my baby girls. Bonding at an early age is not only beneficial to the father, it is also instrumental in the development of the child's physical and mental health. In an article posted by thenationalnews.com, it states that, "Dads who play with their kids from day one not only boost their child's physical and mental development significantly more than those who don't "join in". Babies who have benefited from paternal interactions from an early age get on better with their peers. They're academically more successful, stay in school longer, use drugs and alcohol less frequently and are less likely to get involved with crime. They may also be better equipped socially and psychologically than infants who receive very little attention from their fathers". The article continues to state that, the sense that the father does not play an important role in the initial stages is perfectly normal, however, with a little more effort, attention to the small details, and time, it should provide a positive foundation for the developing relationship as the child grows, making fatherhood more rewarding and enjoyable (thenationalnews.com, 2011).

Throughout the process of building the bond between father and daughters over the past week, I'm surprised that I've actually experienced and learned a lot of new things in just a short space of time. Also, as a result of making a little more effort, I feel much closer to not only both my daughters, but to my wife as well, as she now has more time for herself and is able to to focus on both the children as supposed to being fully engrossed with our newborn. Here's a list of a few interesting things I learned and experienced this week,

• Tying my Daughters Hair: I have never successfully tied hair in my life, however, with my daughter I tried using the brush as not only a tool to shape the hair, but as an anchor to compile and hold her hair into place as I carefully wrap the band around. It takes practice, but it turned out to be relatively simple.
• Burping my Newborn: I had done this prior with my eldest, however, as my newborn had difficulty, I had to learn new techniques on how to get her to release the air from her stomach. With a bit of help from Google, I found that the most effective technique for my daughter was to place her on your shoulder with her back straight for 5 minutes, if she hasn't burped in that time period, place her down on a flat surface for a couple of minutes, then try again. Thats usually does the trick.
• Daddy and Daughter Day Out: Prior to this week, I had never solely taken my eldest daughter out of the vicinity of our home. The furthest we had gone together was to the communal park in our apartment block. This was not by choice as we would usually be together with my wife and/or with family. However, this week, we managed to have several adventures together, we went to the baby shop, the grocery store, and even to the mall. Walking around with my daughter firmly holding my hand was probably one of the best feelings I've ever felt and its something I will never forget.
• Animal Fun Facts: One of the ways I decided to promote the bond between father and daughter is to be more active in terms of teaching her new things. We bought new books, flash cards and toys. From this, there were terms and facts which were new to me. For instance, did you know a baby Horse was called a Foal? Did you know an Octopus had 3 hearts? Did you the scientific name for Swordfish was Xiphias? (This can be used as your "X" when teaching your child the Animal Alphabet. You're welcome!). These maybe simple things that are common knowledge to some, however, these are things I personally wouldn't have known if I didn't have a daughter.

As for work, although it has not been as smooth as I would have liked, nor has my time management been as effective, I actually feel a sense of pride of how much I've been able to maintain the standard set by my company and also the standard I set for myself. I made my clients fully aware of my Paternity Leave, as I felt it was only fair to them and also the process they have entrusted me with. This provided them an option for me to refer them to a colleague while I was away, or if they would still like for me to be responsible for the roles despite my time constraints. For those who have chosen to work with my colleagues, I completely understand, and you are all in good hands. For those who still trust me despite my priorities and responsibilties being split for the time being, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. Up until now, 2 weeks into my Paternity Leave, I am still able to juggle multiple clients on a day to day basis, even though response has been relatively slow on my end, there are processes still on-going with some reaching their penultimate stages, and surprisingly, I am still able to take a few calls everyday, even if I would need to multitask in the process. However, I have to note that this would not at all be possible without the support of my Colleagues, Teammates, my Manager and also my Director. They provided me with a support system, unconditional understanding, as well as, a safety net whenever I required during my Paternity Leave. This is a testament to the culture built and promoted by the management team throughout our organisation, where building relationships and trusting your teammates is crucial for success. In an article posted by brighthr.com, it emphasises this by stating, "when employees work together and succeed as a team, they form bonds that can turn into trust and friendship. It’s human nature. And it’s great for your organisation, since employees who like and trust each other are more likely to, Communicate well with each other, Support and motivate each other, Work cooperatively" (brighthr.com, 2022).

As I enter the 3rd week of my Paternity Leave, here are my key take aways for week 2,

• Bonding is Crucial: This is probably already an unwritten rule, however, creating a bond with your children, your spouse or even your colleagues will mentally support you immensely throughout the journey. It may take time to fully reek the benefits, I certainly haven't as of yet, however, I have started to see improvements in my relationship with my daughters and based on my experiences, when you put in that extra effort, go the extra mile, and manage situations in the best way you possibly can, it goes a long way.
• Work is Important, but it can wait: As I am currently still attempting to manage both my responsibilities at work and at home, and for the most part I feel I have made it relatively conducive, there were times when it became overwhelming. It could be when you check your emails and you have constant enquiries regarding a role, it could be candidates that you have been processing for a significant period of time seeking feedback, or it could be as simple as attempting to arrange calls and you're schedules don't align which causes delays. Frustration and anxiety may start to linger and you may find yourself scrambling to put things together. Burn out is a real thing, and as someone who has seen it occur first hand to friends and colleagues alike, its not something you would want to experience, especially when taking care of your little bundle of joy. Don't bite off more than you can chew, manage work as effectively as you can, and focus on your family, as that is what Paternity Leave is for.
• Just Keep Swimming: In the words of Dory from "Finding Nemo", this is a motto to live by throughout this period. "Hakuna Matata" may mean "no worries" and "Ohana" may mean "Family", however, "Just Keep Swimming" for me at least, means to accept and adapt to the situation and just "Go with the Flow". Sometimes things may not go as you planned or how you wanted it to, sometimes timing and the overall situation may not be in your favour, sometimes the sudden realisation that you may not be able to achieve what you set out to can feel overwhelming. Just remember, its ok, keep calm, manage the situation to the best of your ability and enjoy the process. This may be easier said than done, however, if a forgetful fish like Dory could make it to 52 Wallaby Way, Sydney, you can make it past this as well.

At the halfway mark of Paternity Leave, I have already experienced things which have changed me as a person and as a father, and as I enter the 2nd half, I am just as eager and excited to see what else is in store, if my attempts of bonding with my daughters could prove successful in a short space of time, if efforts at work will bear fruit, and ultimately, if I am able to flow with the rhythm of the dance that is Parenthood.